Hi Chenyulue and welcome to Writefix.
I hope you can add a few comments on other essays to help other writers here - you certainly should have no problem in writing!
Chenyulue, your opening sentence sounds nice but doesn’t really say a lot. What are traditional skills? What are traditional ways of life? It’s sometimes good to define the keyword in the question in your introduction. What is the ‘revolution of industry’? Do you mean the historical era of the Industrial Revolution?
Another point about the intro is that you haven’t mentioned the problem. Is there a threat to traditional skills? What is it? You mentioned that they are changing.
Your final sentence in the introduction is OK and gives your opinion, but it doesn’t really help the reader. A good thesis sentence can also indicate how your essay will be laid out.
You have TWO ideas here (three would be much better):
- Some traditional skills and ‘ways of life’, such as letter writing, are being replaced by emails
- However, other skills, such as acupuncture, can be kept alive through technology
You don’t really have a topic sentence for the paragraph: your first sentence only reflects the first idea
You have a long opening or topic sentence saying we should hold on to traditional skills.
- Then you suggest that skills such as acupuncture (again), language and painting can be recorded by technology
- The second idea in Paragraph Three is that we should using technology in some cases, for example to preserve remote ethnic areas
There are two problems with these two body paragraphs. Firstly, although they are well written, they do not have a ‘clear central topic’ (Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion) so they cannot be Band 7. Secondly, they repeat (see ‘repetitive’ under Task Response).
Again your conclusion sounds very nice but calls for the use of technology and ‘modern technique’ to save traditional ways of life.
You have very few errors in word choice or grammar. However, content is king. You need more ideas, shorter sentences and a clearer organization of ideas.
Your writing ability is not in doubt (although I would like to see much tighter sentences: phrases such as ‘in the era of continuous development of technology’ are just fluffy). What is needed is more ideas, more examples, more definitions, and less vagueness.
Your average sentence length is an astonishing 28.1 words. This needs to go right down to about 15 words on average. The descriptors look for a 'range of structures,' not all long sentences. Break up long sentences, add a handful of short sentences (perhaps for topic sentences), keep punctuation simple (no joining with semicolons), and reduce the overall sentence length. Your total word count is 281 which is fine.
I am looking forward to some meatier essays. Spend less time on accuracy and more on content: don't start to write until you have SIX ideas. I know you can do it!