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How can visitors to a country learn its cultures and traditions?
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July 1, 2012
9:55 pm
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Some visitors are interested in other countries' cultures and traditions. How can they learn other cultures and traditions? Why is this interesting to some visitors but not to others?

Appreciating another country’s cultures and traditions is one of experiences during an international travelling. Some travelers have become followers of a completely new alien culture, while others think nothing of a foreign country’s culture. This essay will analyze how these enthusiasts learn a new foreign culture and reasons for this diametrical attitude towards an alien culture.

Learners will grasp every opportunity to learn an exotic culture. First, they have keen interests in a certain foreign cultures and traditions. Most of these interests arise from foreign language learning experiences and consequent confidence and passion. In another world, this interesting is a result of certain achievements after a long term linguistic learning and initial pure interests with a foreign language. This spiritual devotion forms main power to learn a foreign language and its culture, tradition. They may read variety of books; visit this country to touch its culture and customs by themselves. Such learners can make their all efforts study an exotic culture. This is a transformation from learning a language to studying a new kind of culture and tradition.

Undeniable, some one indeed dislike other country’s cultures and traditions. These people might not get a satisfied mark in their foreign language courses. So, they could not further study and understand that country’s culture. Language has become a barrier which frustrates people’s confidence. This results in superficial or incorrect impressions on other country’s cultures or traditions. With time passed they may not appreciate another country’s culture and tradition.

In conclusion, foreign language ability is an important element influencing people’s attitude towards exotic cultures and traditions. Language acts as a bridge affecting a culture’s popularity. It is impossible for people to love an exotic culture without appropriate linguistic experience.    

July 2, 2012
10:17 pm
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welcome comments here, this is a ielts task2 topic. it is on the mainland paper on 30 june 2012.

July 3, 2012
1:32 am
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Hi Ma-Frank and thanks for this essay.

Your essay in 286 words long and has an interesting result on read-able.com (one of the two readability links at the top of this page- read-able.com, and online-utility.org) -  a very high score on the Coleman Liau index (that’s not good -  it means difficult to read!).  I think it is because of the long average length of the words in your essay.  The average number of words per sentence is not high, at 14.3, but it seems that the sheer quantity of nouns in your essay makes it harder to read..

To make it more readable I would consider using shorter, simpler words, and I would try to have fewer nouns or nominalizations per sentence. Nouns or nominalizations slow down your sentences: Try to replace them with adjectives or verbs.   

Let’s look at an example. You wrote:

In another world, this interesting is a result of certain achievements after a long term linguistic learning and initial pure interests with a foreign language.

I am not sure what this means, but I can see it has a LOT of nouns.  Do you mean ‘in other words’ at the start? Here are two possible rewrites:

As people become more familiar with a new language, they begin to enjoy the culture of that country.

OR

As learners improve their knowledge of a language, their interest in the culture also increases.

Lists

If you have two items in a list, they need to be joined with ‘and’ or ‘or’. 

  • This spiritual devotion forms main power to learn a foreign language and its culture, tradition.  → This attachment motivates them to learn the foreign language and its culture and traditions.
  • They may read variety of books; visit this country to touch its culture and customs by themselves. → They may read many books and visit this country to appreciate its culture and customs.

Articles and Plurals

  • First, they have keen interests in a certain foreign cultures and traditions. → First, they have a keen interest in certain foreign cultures and traditions.
     
  • Appreciating another country’s cultures and traditions is one of experiences during an international travelling. → Appreciating another country’s cultures and traditions is an important part of international travelling.  OR Learning about other countries’ cultures and traditions is one of the joys of travel.

Topic Sentences

In your second paragraph, you wrote

Learners will grasp every opportunity to learn an exotic culture.

Do you mean all learners? It seems from reading the rest of the second paragraph and the third paragraph that you mean ‘many learners’ or ‘some learners.’

Here’s my suggestion for a topic sentence for Paragraph 2

Some learners will grasp every opportunity to learn about an exotic culture.

Here’s my suggestion for a topic sentence for Paragraph 3

However, some other travelers do not really appreciate the cultures and traditions of the countries they visit.

Shorten/Simplify

  • learn a new foreign culture → learn a new culture

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • Such learners can make their all efforts study an exotic culture. → Such learners work tirelessly to study an exotic culture.
  • this diametrical attitude → these diametrically-opposed attitudes   OR  these varying attitudes
  • These people might not get a satisfied mark in their foreign language courses. → These people might not have enjoyed their language courses.
  • Language acts as a bridge affecting a culture’s popularity  → Language acts as a bridge to a culture.

Generalizations

Try to soften some of the stronger generalizations or sweeping statements. You wrote:

Some travelers have become followers of a completely new alien culture, while others think nothing of a foreign country’s culture.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Some travelers become keen admirers of new cultures, while others are unimpressed by or even critical of countries they visit.

Cohesion 1: So/And/For/Because

Don’t start sentences with ‘So,’ ‘And,’ For,’ or ‘Because.’  We can join your sentence below to the previous one:

So, they could not further study and understand that country’s culture.

Here it is joined to the previous one using ‘and as a result’:

These people might not have done well in their language classes, and as a result find it difficult to understand that country’s culture.

Cohesion 2

You need to link this sentence to the previous one to show that language is not an obstacle for all learners.

  • Language has become a barrier which frustrates people’s confidence. → For students like these, language has become a frustrating barrier.

Shorten/Simplify

Here’s your third paragraph.  

Undeniable, some one indeed dislike other country’s cultures and traditions. These people might not get a satisfied mark in their foreign language courses. So, they could not further study and understand that country’s culture. Language has become a barrier which frustrates people’s confidence. This results in superficial or incorrect impressions on other country’s cultures or traditions. With time passed they may not appreciate another country’s culture and tradition. (68 words)

Here’s a possible rewrite:

However, not everyone enjoys new cultures or adapts to them easily. For some people, the new language is a frustrating barrier. If you cannot speak the language, many of your impressions of a culture may be superficial or incorrect.  (39 words).    A second point is that…..  For example…. In addition….

(There is only one idea in your third paragraph. You need more! Don’t start writing until you have at least three ideas for each body paragraph)

Conclusion

You have three nice sentences in the conclusion, but there is no clear progression. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Cohesion and Coherence, and compare Band 6 (“arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression”) with Band 5 (“presents information with some organisation but there may be a lack of overall progression”). The three sentences in the conclusion say more or less the same thing.

You could add a summary of the other side, or you could look to the future.

Another problem is that in Paragraph 2 and 3 you focus almost entirely on language. It is certainly a very important point, but there are factors other than language that influence how people react to other cultures and countries. And realistically, how many people have time to learn Italian for a quick 10-day trip to Italy, or Arabic for a short visit to the Pyramids and the Nile?

Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under the heading Task Response: in Band 5 it says: "addresses the task only partially" and in Band 6 it mentions "the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive."

You have some very good structures and vocab, but as I said above I would try to use simpler vocabulary, shorter sentences, shorter words, and fewer nouns.  Aim to get a few green bars on read-able.com!

July 4, 2012
11:52 pm
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thanks ur comments and revisions

you said:

In another world, this interesting is a result of certain achievements after a long term linguistic learning and initial pure interests with a foreign language.

I am not sure what this means, but I can see it has a LOT of nouns.  Do you mean ‘in other words’ at the startanks? Here are two possible rewrites:

As people become more familiar with a new language, they begin to enjoy the culture of that country.

OR

As learners improve their knowledge of a language, their interest in the culture also increases.

 

i want to express that:

 years of foreign language learning and interesting with it initially facilitate keener interests in cultural studying.

July 5, 2012
1:34 pm
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HELLO ma-frank. I found some errors in your sentence and have modified them. Hope you find them useful.

i want to express that:

 years of foreign language learning and interesting with it initially facilitate keener interests in cultural studying

interesting with it→the interest in it

initially facilitate→greatly develop

"keener" means " those females whose work is wailing at funerals".

 

I think you might mean "those people who have strong desire of learning language". You could use "longing man", "longing people", but I suggest you should use "people" or something that's short directly.

July 5, 2012
11:49 pm
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i feel i have gained a lot, but i need practices to learn accurate expressions. i re-write it according to admin's suggestions:

 

Appreciating another country’s cultures and traditions is an important part of international traveling. Some travelers become admirers of a new culture, while others are unimpressed by or even critical of a foreign country’s culture. This essay will analyze how these enthusiasts learn a new culture and reasons for varying attitudes towards an alien culture.

 

First, some learners can grasp every opportunity to study an exotic culture and tradition. Those people have a natural interest with exotic cultures. This primitive interest triggers them to work tirelessly to study a foreign language and this country’s culture and customs. Secondly, most of visitors must burst out curiosity about the splendid attractions of a foreign country when they are travelling in a foreign country. Most of travelers would like to buy some souvenirs, such as books or CDs or local crafts, to meet that curiosity. These souvenirs are the best materials which help influenced travelers study this country’s culture later.

 

However, some visitors do not appreciate the cultures and traditions of a country they visit. First, travelers can’t deeply experience strange cultures and traditions when they shortly stay in a complete strange nation. Consequently they can’t nurture an interest to love new cultures and traditions. Secondly, if travelers can not speak related foreign language, their impressions on a culture may be superficial or incorrect. Therefore, the language becomes a barrier deterring travelers’ understanding about the new culture. For example, even though you buy many souvenirs from a foreign country, you will not be able to understand them and further study new cultures with keen interests.

 

In conclusion, language capability is basic a factor influencing people’s devotion towards new cultures and traditions. No matter visitors study at home or take a field research on a foreign culture, they need a certain level of foreign language to assist them in studying foreign cultures and traditions.

July 6, 2012
6:46 am
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ma-frankWell done and i also tweak your essay a bit.

Appreciating another country’s cultures and traditions is an important part of international traveling. Some travelers become admirers of a new culture, while others are unimpressed by or even critical of a foreign country’s culture. This essay will analyze how these enthusiasts learn a new culture and reasons for varying attitudes towards an alien culture.

 

First, some learners can grasp every opportunity to study an exotic culture and tradition. Those people have a natural interest with (in)exotic cultures. This primitive interest triggers(i do not think "trigger" is appropriate here. More often than not, trigger + something instead of somebody, otherwise people are gunned down ..) them to work tirelessly to study a foreign language and this the country’s culture and customs. Secondly, most of visitors must burst out curiosity about the splendid attractions of a foreign country when they are travelling in a foreign country. Most of travelers would like to buy some souvenirs, such as books or CDs or local crafts, to meet that curiosity. These souvenirs are the best materials which help influenced(influence or delete "influence") travelers study this country’s culture later.

 

However, some visitors do not appreciate the cultures and traditions of a country they visit. First, travelers can’t deeply experience strange cultures and traditions when they shortly stay in a completely strange nation. Consequently ,they can’t nurture an interest to love new cultures and traditions. Secondly, if travelers can not speak a? related foreign language, their impressions on a culture may be superficial or incorrect. Therefore, the language becomes a barrier deterring travelers’ understanding about the new culture. For example, even though you buy many souvenirs from a foreign country, you will not be able to understand them and further study new cultures with keen interests.

 

In conclusion, language capability is basic(dont get why you put it here?  basically?) a factor influencing people’s devotion towards new cultures and traditions. No matter visitors study at home or take a field research on a foreign culture(it seems you make no mention of them in your essay?), they need a certain level of foreign language to assist them in studying foreign cultures and traditions.

July 6, 2012
5:24 pm
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writefix
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Hi Ma-Frank, Alison and ChrisLuke

Thanks very much for doing the rewrite -  I know it takes a lot of time and is a little frustrating, but it's a worthwhile exercise.

I think the essay is much better now.

ChrisLuke has found a couple of things that could be changed ('basically' instead of 'basic') and some article and preposition errors. But I think your use of 'triggers' is OK! Other words could be 'sparks' or 'motivates.'

Sometimes, an essay dies when it is analysed too much or when you are completely fed up with it. So, even though there are a few things we could still change, let's move on and write a new one!

I think the main theme of what ChrisLuke, Alison and I said was to simplify. Don't be afraid to write it so simply that your 16-year old brother or cousin would understand it. Being able to write simply is not easy, and examiners will be impressed if you convey your ideas in a seemingly effortless style.

Hope to see a new topic from you soon!

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