Hi Ma-Frank and thanks for this essay.
Your essay in 286 words long and has an interesting result on read-able.com (one of the two readability links at the top of this page- read-able.com, and online-utility.org) - a very high score on the Coleman Liau index (that’s not good - it means difficult to read!). I think it is because of the long average length of the words in your essay. The average number of words per sentence is not high, at 14.3, but it seems that the sheer quantity of nouns in your essay makes it harder to read..
To make it more readable I would consider using shorter, simpler words, and I would try to have fewer nouns or nominalizations per sentence. Nouns or nominalizations slow down your sentences: Try to replace them with adjectives or verbs.
Let’s look at an example. You wrote:
In another world, this interesting is a result of certain achievements after a long term linguistic learning and initial pure interests with a foreign language.
I am not sure what this means, but I can see it has a LOT of nouns. Do you mean ‘in other words’ at the start? Here are two possible rewrites:
As people become more familiar with a new language, they begin to enjoy the culture of that country.
As learners improve their knowledge of a language, their interest in the culture also increases.
If you have two items in a list, they need to be joined with ‘and’ or ‘or’.
- This spiritual devotion forms main power to learn a foreign language and its culture, tradition. → This attachment motivates them to learn the foreign language and its culture and traditions.
- They may read variety of books; visit this country to touch its culture and customs by themselves. → They may read many books and visit this country to appreciate its culture and customs.
Articles and Plurals
- First, they have keen interests in a certain foreign cultures and traditions. → First, they have a keen interest in certain foreign cultures and traditions.
- Appreciating another country’s cultures and traditions is one of experiences during an international travelling. → Appreciating another country’s cultures and traditions is an important part of international travelling. OR Learning about other countries’ cultures and traditions is one of the joys of travel.
In your second paragraph, you wrote
Learners will grasp every opportunity to learn an exotic culture.
Do you mean all learners? It seems from reading the rest of the second paragraph and the third paragraph that you mean ‘many learners’ or ‘some learners.’
Here’s my suggestion for a topic sentence for Paragraph 2
Some learners will grasp every opportunity to learn about an exotic culture.
Here’s my suggestion for a topic sentence for Paragraph 3
However, some other travelers do not really appreciate the cultures and traditions of the countries they visit.
- learn a new foreign culture → learn a new culture
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Such learners can make their all efforts study an exotic culture. → Such learners work tirelessly to study an exotic culture.
- this diametrical attitude → these diametrically-opposed attitudes OR these varying attitudes
- These people might not get a satisfied mark in their foreign language courses. → These people might not have enjoyed their language courses.
- Language acts as a bridge affecting a culture’s popularity → Language acts as a bridge to a culture.
Try to soften some of the stronger generalizations or sweeping statements. You wrote:
Some travelers have become followers of a completely new alien culture, while others think nothing of a foreign country’s culture.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Some travelers become keen admirers of new cultures, while others are unimpressed by or even critical of countries they visit.
Cohesion 1: So/And/For/Because
Don’t start sentences with ‘So,’ ‘And,’ For,’ or ‘Because.’ We can join your sentence below to the previous one:
So, they could not further study and understand that country’s culture.
Here it is joined to the previous one using ‘and as a result’:
These people might not have done well in their language classes, and as a result find it difficult to understand that country’s culture.
You need to link this sentence to the previous one to show that language is not an obstacle for all learners.
- Language has become a barrier which frustrates people’s confidence. → For students like these, language has become a frustrating barrier.
Here’s your third paragraph.
Undeniable, some one indeed dislike other country’s cultures and traditions. These people might not get a satisfied mark in their foreign language courses. So, they could not further study and understand that country’s culture. Language has become a barrier which frustrates people’s confidence. This results in superficial or incorrect impressions on other country’s cultures or traditions. With time passed they may not appreciate another country’s culture and tradition. (68 words)
Here’s a possible rewrite:
However, not everyone enjoys new cultures or adapts to them easily. For some people, the new language is a frustrating barrier. If you cannot speak the language, many of your impressions of a culture may be superficial or incorrect. (39 words). A second point is that….. For example…. In addition….
(There is only one idea in your third paragraph. You need more! Don’t start writing until you have at least three ideas for each body paragraph)
You have three nice sentences in the conclusion, but there is no clear progression. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Cohesion and Coherence, and compare Band 6 (“arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression”) with Band 5 (“presents information with some organisation but there may be a lack of overall progression”). The three sentences in the conclusion say more or less the same thing.
You could add a summary of the other side, or you could look to the future.
Another problem is that in Paragraph 2 and 3 you focus almost entirely on language. It is certainly a very important point, but there are factors other than language that influence how people react to other cultures and countries. And realistically, how many people have time to learn Italian for a quick 10-day trip to Italy, or Arabic for a short visit to the Pyramids and the Nile?
Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under the heading Task Response: in Band 5 it says: "addresses the task only partially" and in Band 6 it mentions "the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive."
You have some very good structures and vocab, but as I said above I would try to use simpler vocabulary, shorter sentences, shorter words, and fewer nouns. Aim to get a few green bars on read-able.com!