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Does having different cultures and ethnic groups affect a country's development?
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November 28, 2011
2:34 pm
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Ha Noi, Vietnam
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Many countries of the world are made up of different cultures and ethnic groups Does it have a negative or a positive effect on development of the country.

 

There is a dominant trend that contemporary societies are getting in swing of multi-ethnic or multi-racism nation. It assumes great significant with cultural and economic development, however, the damage to political climate may be colossal.

 To begin with, the coexistence of different minority communities in a country offers a source of plus points. To be specific, since the convergence of dissonant cultures is likely to create a unique, charming culture with strong ethnicities, the country will become a favorable destination for tourist, which facilitates tourism sector as well as service industries. Moreover, thanks to cultural diversity, citizens enjoy a chance of adoring with many different customs, cultural heritages. This, thus, not enlightens their mind but stimulates innovativeness in creative fields like fashion, art also. In addition, in a multi-racism society, American creative, Japanese diligence, and Chinese experience are all in the best interest of a skilled labor market, promoting work productivity.

However, differences in social background, cultural value and religious belief are bound to widen the discrepancy among ethnics. That is to say, in some case, minority groups are treated as if they are not worth the name of citizens as a fortunate consequence of profound prejudice against immigrant, especially those of third world originality. Furthermore, the enforcement of new policy based on interest of majority exclusively may violate benefits of minorities, which leads to vocal protest of the latter. To make matter worse, with negotiation failing to set right the dispute, people could invariably execute armed conflicts, race shooting, terrorist acts to claim their own rights, putting social security into jeopardy.

As shown above, positive effects seem to outstrip negative impacts on development of race mixed country. Equality and justice are dispensable if a society wants to move to prosperity instead of being stuck in quagmire of social problems.

December 4, 2011
2:48 pm
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writefix
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Hi Linh -  welcome back!

Thanks for this essay. I'm afraid I did a lot of work on it…

 

Cohesive Devices

Did you notice that many of the sentences start with a short phrase?

  • To begin with,
  • That is to say
  • To be specific,
  • Moreover,
  • Furthermore,
  • To make matters worse,
  • As shown above,

 

I think you have too many of these cohesive devices or markers. This might move you down to a Band 5 (see the IELTS Public Descriptors for Task 2 – the first under Links): it mentions “over-use of cohesive devices.” Just say what you want to say -  you are quite capable! Your sentences should flow from one to the other without these bitty little phrases -  use them sparingly.

 

Introduction

I would edit your introduction severely.

There is a dominant trend that contemporary societies are getting in swing of multi-ethnic or multi-racism nation. It assumes great significant with cultural and economic development, however, the damage to political climate may be colossal.

Minimize use of “There is” or “There are.”  Check that you use the right form of related words (e.g. "racial" instead of “racism,” "significance" instead of “significant”). Don’t over-exaggerate (“colossal”). Here's a possible rewrite:  

Many societies are becoming more multi-ethnic. This can help the economic and cultural development of a country, but it can also cause political sectarian or racial problems.

 I would also shorten and simplify this sentence: 

To be specific, since the convergence of dissonant cultures is likely to create a unique, charming culture with strong ethnicities, the country will become a favorable destination for tourist, which facilitates tourism sector as well as service industries. (38 words, 10 nouns, only three real verbs)

to:

The convergence of different cultures can create a fascinating mix, attracting tourists and developing the economy.

Another sentence has vocab and organization issues

Moreover, thanks to cultural diversity, citizens enjoy a chance of adoring with many different customs, cultural heritages. This, thus, not enlightens their mind but stimulates innovativeness in creative fields like fashion, art also. (33 words, 11 nouns, only three verbs)

  • The word ‘adoring’ needs a change.
  • Try to aim for three, rather than two, examples in a sentence.  If you use two, join them with “and”

Thanks to cultural diversity, citizens can learn from many different customs and cultural heritages. This enlightens their minds and stimulates innovation and creativity in fashion, art, design and literature.

"in a multi-racism society" -> change to "multiracial"  The word “ethnics” is usually an adjective, not a noun.  You could use ‘ethnicities’ or the simpler word ‘groups.’ I think you mean ‘unfortunate’ rather than ‘fortunate’

 

Sentence Length

Try to have a mix of short (less than 10) and long sentences (up to 20 or so), but an average sentence length of 12 words. Long sentences are likely to have more errors. You can check sentence length in Microsoft Word, and the website http://www.Online-Utility.org lets you copy-and-paste text for readability analysis.

Furthermore, the enforcement of new policy based on interest of majority exclusively may violate benefits of minorities, which leads to vocal protest of the latter. (25 words, 8 nouns)

  • There are EIGHT nouns in this sentence. Try to have more verbs and fewer nouns so that your sentences move.
  • The word ‘latter’ forces the reader to go back. This is hard to do, particularly with long sentences, and annoying for readers, who lose their place . Try to keep your writing going forward, never backward. The same goes for the words ‘former’ and ‘respectively’: avoid them.
  • There are four or five missing articles.

Your idea here is very good.  Would this be clearer and more dynamic?

Policies favoring the majority can alienate minorities and lead to protests or conflict. (13 words, only 5 nouns)

You wrote:

To make matter worse, with negotiation failing to set right the dispute, people could invariably execute armed conflicts, race shooting, terrorist acts to claim their own rights, putting social security into jeopardy. (32 words,10 nouns, some fragments, generalizations (‘invariably’). 

Let’s simplify and shorten.

If negotiations fail, sectarian conflict can result.  (8 words, 2 nouns, 2 verbs)

 

Essay Organization: Order of paragraphs

 

In Para 2, you discussed the positives.

In Para 3, you discussed the negatives

In the conclusion, you state: 

As shown above, positive effects seem to outstrip negative impacts on development of race mixed country

  • Check for articles. This sentence is missing FOUR articles (a, an, the, etc)
  • It’s generally better to have the argument closest to the conclusion as your opinion.

 Here are two possible essay layouts, for two writers with different opinions

 

Introduction Introduction
Yes No
No Yes
Conclusion: I disagree! Conclusion: I agree!

 

In the final sentences, I think you mean ‘indispensable’, not dispensable

 

Again some great ideas, but try to express them as simply as possible. Keep sentences short, check for articles, and use more verbs and fewer nouns.

December 4, 2011
3:12 pm
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Ha Noi, Vietnam
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Hi Enda,

 

Firstly, I must say :" Thank you so much" ^_^

 

Actually, I wrote this essay about 10 months ago, but there had been no one to help me check it. It's so nice of you when do it :D. I'm so sorry because I forgot check it again before posting it :(.

 

Anyway, I've always tried and tried to write my essays in a simpler way, but it's really hard for me to explain my idea :(. Hopefully, with your help, my writing skill can improve ^_^

 

Again, thank you so much!!!

December 4, 2011
3:15 pm
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writefix
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Thanks Linh

 

You are very organized, keeping all your work from months ago!

 

I hope at least some of the comments help.  Don't get discouraged -  just work on one small thing at a time. (Good advice -  I wish I could keep it myself... 🙂  

 

Please feel free to comment and help others on the site!

 

Enda

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