Hello samanehkh61 and welcome to writefix!!
As probably you know writing has 4 criteria to scoring . Task response -coherence and cohision- Lexical resource- grammatical range and acuracy . They all are scored from 0 to 9 and then the average of all will be your mark.
Here are some comments on your essay.
Lack of universities with diverse range of studying fields in many cities causes some students to leave their family and move to other areas. However there are lots of students who continue their education in institutes and colleges in their town while living with their family. Being in each of these categories has its own porns and corns which will be discussed briefly here.
In many cities, lack of universities with a wide range of studying fields forces students to leave their families and move to other places. However, there are many students who continue their education in institues and colleges in their own town while living with their families. Both of these catogories have their own pros and cons which will be brifely discussed below.
Students who live apart from their families face more challenges and difficulties than those in other category. They have to stay on their foot and solve all the problems they may encounter. These difficulties evolve a wide range, from managing their living place such as fixing the plumbs to even emotional and mental problems. In contrast those who live with their families do not suffer from many of these problems and even in case of having these troubles they have their family members beside who will help them a lot and they highly benefit from living with their relatives.
Students who live apart from their families face more challenges than those who live with their families. They have to stand on their feet and solve problems , ranging from fixing such as plumbing to even emotional problems like loneliness. In contrast, those who stay at their home town, may do not suffer from many of those problems, or even if they do, have already hands to help. In fact, they can rely on their family members help.
However experiencing to live alone and away from families brings several advantages and gains which whom live with their family may not earn. Experiencing complete independence and facing with life’s challenges increases self esteem and makes the student to believe in his abilities more. In addition he will find many of close friends which will be like his family’s member. It is obvious that those who will stay with their family rarely acquire these valuable gains in their study period and so are a step back of the other group.
However, living alone during studying has its own advanatages. Experiencing complete independence and facing life's challenges increase one's self-esteem . This also may cause students become more confident about their abilities. In addition to this, students can make many friendswho parobaly some of them will become as close friend as their family members. Not surprisingly, those who still live with their families hardly can gain such valuable experience at the time of studying.
To sum up, facing with lots of the life’s difficulties besides the experiencing of independence are the results of living apart from family, while those who have their family beside will have fewer problem but fewer valuable life’s gains either.
To sum up, students studying in a city different from their families city experience much more diffculties but benefit from being independnt. By contrast, although those who live and study with their parents would face less problems , they probably cannot gain living experience as much as the first group during their study.
*** I think your essay is good and you could do it much more better if you considered some points. Your ideas roughly well-organised and you already know about well-structured essay . But I think you were careless with punctuation and plural,As in some parts such as " however" and " By contast" which are very clear that you had to put "comma", you did not. The examiner may not igonre them and you will be penelized with ease. Then do not make such clear mistakes. This goes same when it comes to plural names.
One of the mistakes that I saw some parts of your essay is that you tried to translate from your own language to English. BE carefull of using too much of them. I think to solve such drawbacks make your sentences short as you are able to control the subject and object easier than long sentences. Although using short sentences throughtout the essay may not let you to achieve BAND 8 or higher, it still enough to get band 6-7 .
I hope you will find my comments useful, although Mr.Enda has more and better feedback.