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Which is better - studying at home or away from your family?
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July 19, 2012
4:24 pm
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Please help know my mistakes in following essay. Is it coherent and has cohesion?

Many university students live with their families while others need to live away from home because their universities are in different cities. What are the advantages and disadvantages of each? Which would you prefer?


Lack of universities with diverse range of studying fields in many cities causes some students to leave their family and move to other areas. However there are lots of students who continue their education in institutes and colleges in their town while living with their family. Being in each of these categories has its own porns and corns which will be discussed briefly here.

Students who live apart from their families face more challenges and difficulties than those in other category. They have to stay on their foot and solve all the problems they may encounter. These difficulties evolve a wide range, from managing their living place such as fixing the plumbs to even emotional and mental problems. In contrast those who live with their families do not suffer from many of these problems and even in case of having these troubles they have their family members beside who will help them a lot and they highly benefit from living with their relatives.

However experiencing to live alone and away from families brings several advantages and gains which whom live with their family may not earn. Experiencing complete independence and facing with life’s challenges increases self esteem and makes the student to believe in his abilities more. In addition he will find many of close friends which will be like his family’s member. It is obvious that those who will stay with their family rarely acquire these valuable gains in their study period and so are a step back of the other group.

To sum up, facing with lots of the life’s difficulties besides the experiencing of independence are the results of living apart from family, while those who have their family beside will have fewer problem but fewer valuable life’s gains either.

July 21, 2012
12:17 am
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Hello samanehkh61 and welcome to writefix!!

 

As probably you know writing has 4 criteria to scoring . Task response -coherence and cohision- Lexical resource- grammatical range and acuracy . They all are scored from 0 to 9 and then the average of all will be your mark.

Here are some comments on your essay.

Lack of universities with diverse range of studying fields in many cities causes some students to leave their family and move to other areas. However there are lots of students who continue their education in institutes and colleges in their town while living with their family. Being in each of these categories has its own porns and corns which will be discussed briefly here.

 

In many cities, lack of universities with a wide range of studying fields  forces students to leave their families and move to other places. However, there are many students who continue their education in institues and colleges in their own town while living with their families. Both of these catogories have their own pros and cons which will be brifely discussed below.

Students who live apart from their families face more challenges and difficulties than those in other category. They have to stay on their foot and solve all the problems they may encounter. These difficulties evolve a wide range, from managing their living place such as fixing the plumbs to even emotional and mental problems. In contrast those who live with their families do not suffer from many of these problems and even in case of having these troubles they have their family members beside who will help them a lot and they highly benefit from living with their relatives.

Students who live apart from their families face more challenges than those who live with their families. They have to stand on their feet and solve problems , ranging from fixing such as plumbing to even emotional problems like loneliness. In contrast, those who stay at their home town, may do not  suffer from many of those problems, or even if they do,  have already hands to help. In fact, they can rely on their family members help.

However experiencing to live alone and away from families brings several advantages and gains which whom live with their family may not earn. Experiencing complete independence and facing with life’s challenges increases self esteem and makes the student to believe in his abilities more. In addition he will find many of close friends which will be like his family’s member. It is obvious that those who will stay with their family rarely acquire these valuable gains in their study period and so are a step back of the other group.

However, living alone during studying has its own advanatages. Experiencing complete independence and facing life's challenges increase one's self-esteem . This also may cause students become more confident about their abilities. In addition to this, students can make many friendswho parobaly some of them will become  as close friend as their family members. Not surprisingly, those who still live with their families hardly can gain such valuable experience at the time of studying.

To sum up, facing with lots of the life’s difficulties besides the experiencing of independence are the results of living apart from family, while those who have their family beside will have fewer problem but fewer valuable life’s gains either.

To sum up, students studying in a city different from their families city experience much more diffculties but benefit from being independnt. By contrast,  although those who live and study with their parents would face less problems , they probably cannot  gain living experience as much as the first group during their study.

 

*** I think  your essay is good and you could do it much more better if you considered some points. Your ideas roughly well-organised and you already know about well-structured essay . But I think you were careless with punctuation and plural,As in some parts such as " however" and " By contast" which are very clear that you had to put "comma", you did not. The examiner may not igonre them and you will be penelized with ease. Then do not make such clear mistakes. This  goes same when it comes to plural names.

One of the mistakes that I saw some parts of your essay is that you tried to translate from your own language to English. BE carefull of using too much of them. I think to solve such drawbacks make your sentences short as you are able to control the subject and object easier than long sentences. Although using short sentences throughtout the essay may not let you to achieve BAND 8  or higher, it still enough to get band 6-7 .

I hope you will find my comments useful, although Mr.Enda has more and better feedback.

Cheers,

July 22, 2012
6:04 pm
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Hi samanehkh61 and welcome to Writefix

Brian has done a great job of finding both large and small problems. I really like his rewrites of your paragraphs: they are  very faithful to your ideas.

More ideas?

The one extra comment I would make is that you could add one or two more ideas in each of the two body paragraphs. For example in Paragraph Two, you have 

  • students have to deal with practical and emotional problems
  • students who live at home don't have to deal with these

In Paragraph Three you have

  • students learn self-esteem and independence
  • students make new friends
  • students who live at home don't have this

Ideas and Structure

You don't need to give the other side each time -  that can become a little repetitive. It would be better to have more ideas in favour of each side than just to have a comparison sentence.

For example, this would be a very repetitive comparison of Paris and London

  • London is in England
  • However Paris is not in England
  • People in England speak English
  • However, people in France do not speak English 

It would be better to have more ideas about Paris and more ideas about London instead of just pointing out the obvious. 

Generic or Standard sentences

Avoid sentences which could be used in a million essays:

Being in each of these categories has its own porns and corns which will be discussed briefly here.

Instead, make every sentence relevant to the topic

In this essay, I will show that students who manage to overcome the difficulties of studying away from home can really benefit a lot. 

Sentence Length

Your average number of words per sentence is 24.4. This is too long. You need to get this down to between 12 and 15 words. (You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page-  this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.)

Opinion

Don't be afraid to give your opinion. It's an opinion essay. I've edited the question in your essay to reflect this. You will NOT  get a simple advantage/disadvantage essay in IELTS. Instead, IELTS Task 2 Writing question expects you to give an opinion.  Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response: 

  • Band 6:  presents a relevant position
  • Band 5:  expresses a position but the development is not always clear
  • Band 4: ƒ presents a position but this is unclear
  • Band 3: ƒ does not express a clear position

Looking forward to seeing more essays from you, and thanks again to Brian for his hard work. If you get time, Samanekh61, perhaps you can also have a look at one or two essays by other writers. You don't have to do as much as Brian did -  just a few words is fine!

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