Here are a few comments on your essay. I hope they are helpful.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- During Centuries → For centuries
Verb Tense, Simplify
During Centuries, people in each society tend to use their skills to do their own life necessities like building a house to live in or grow vegetables to eat. (29 words)
Here’s one possible rewrite with the past tense only
For centuries, people built their own houses or grew their own vegetables. (12)
But, as time passes such activities become less popular among people. → But, as time passed, such skills became less common.
Thesis Sentence and Word Choice:
Having a hectic lifestyle and economic problems like intending to have a higher salary lead these skills disappearing.
Is having a higher salary a problem? Let’s rewrite this as a thesis sentence which tells the reader what you are going to do in this essay.
In this essay, I will suggest that many traditional skills have almost disappeared because of economic development and our busy lifestyles.
Here’s one possible rewrite of the introduction. It compares past and present. It also gives some examples of skills and ties your fourth paragraph into the essay. Have a look at more types of introductions here.
For centuries, people built their own houses or grew their own vegetables. But, as time has passed, such skills, along with handcrafts such as weaving, glassmaking, and pottery have become less common. In this essay, I will suggest that these traditional skills have almost disappeared because of economic development and our busy lifestyles.
What is the main idea of Paragraph 3? It’s not very clear. It starts by saying that some people in the past earned money through skills. Then it says that people today have good salaries. The two ideas are not linked smoothly.
Paragraph 4, about glassmaking in Iran, is by far the most interesting paragraph - you have an example of a skill. Why so late in the essay? And why is it not fully developed? Why did this skill almost disappear? Why has it been forgotten? If you had based your entire essay around this example, it would have been more interesting - and more fully developed.
There also would not have been new material in the conclusion. Don’t introduce new ideas in the conclusion, no matter how interesting.
Overall, you need to get to the point of your essay more quickly. The essay rambles on without clear linking between some of the ideas. Say what you want to say: avoid ‘tends’ and ‘were likely to.’ Keep sentences short, with only one idea in each.
Keep your verb tenses consistent. You change from past to present to present perfect to present, and it’s very confusing.
Some good ideas here, but it needs to be organized more strictly and to be shorter. Above all, plan for a simple 3773 essay with two sides, rather than a 5 or 6 paragraph essay.