This is a tough topic! I hope you get easier ones in the IELTS test!
This essay is 335 words long, which is dangerous - try not to go much over 300. The average number of words per sentence is also high, at 18.3. Aim for an average number of between 12-15 words per sentence.
Your into is clear, gives both sides, and all sentences are related to the topic.
Usage/Word Choice/Word Form
- There are some reasons for thinking that moral values are tailing off due to the existence of females at work. → declining/being affected/suffering/being challenged
- Their children can persue higher education → pursue higher education
- Men attacked their wives without receiving charge from the judge. → with impunity/without worrying about the law
- People should think about tendencies such as abusing internet or competing unfairly in business for the sake of profit. →
People should think about problems such as internet or unfair competition.
You need to use ‘and’ between two nouns in a list. Also, the verb is missing.
Moreover, today’s women prone to be masculine, aggressive.
I’m also going to change the wording so that 50% of readers don’t get heart attacks:
Moreover today’s women are more assertive and articulate.
Roles of men and women are an important part contributing to moral values in the society.
This could be rewritten:
Men’s and women’s roles contribute to moral values in the society. OR
Most societies have clear roles for men and women, and these roles are important for maintaining the society’s values.
Specify - don’t be vague!
Avoid vague phrases like ‘evils’ or ‘the unwanted side’
Their children easily involve in evils.
This sentence could be made much more specific:
Their children may become become lazy, drop out of school, develop social problems, or even turn to crime.
Women may change their behavior towards the unwanted side →
What is this unwanted side? Where can I find it? What happens there? It sounds like fun!
Specify! Specify! Don’t be vague! Don’t make the reader think!
Shorten and simplify
As a result, the relationship between members in a family can be turn to be fragile, eroding the social value in the long term
As a result, the relationship between family members family can become fragile.
You have some very good structures and a nice mix. Here are two, slightly edited:
- I believe the main reason for the decline in moral values doesn’t lie in whether women work or not.
- In my opinion, people should consider other factors affecting moral values, rather than blaming employed women.
One point is that your third paragraph is much better than the second one. It's clear and specific and there are more examples, and fewer vague references to 'evils' and 'unwanted sides.'