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Does music have a positive or negative impact on individuals and society?
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July 4, 2012
9:55 am
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Some people think that music brings only benefits to individuals and societies.Others, however, think taht music can have a negative influence on both. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

 

Music can be one essential branch of entertainment in human life. However some people think that music leads to negative impact to societies. In contrast, musicians and music lovers do not agree with this opinion. In my point of view, music can give both negative and positive impact to individuals and societies.

         Nowadays, music can be divided into many genres. Anyone can choose what kind of music they preferred and love. However, existence of new genre of music such as hip hop, techno and R&B, frequently give a bad impact to us. Those genre usually encouraging people to have a social life which is in a wrong ways. for example, a lot of musicians and singers in those genres usually get involved with negative activities such as drugs, gangsterism and triads. Thus, many of their followers tend to follow their identities and lifestyles. In addition, those types of music will allow and contribute to sound pollutions in society. Having said that, evolution of music instruments and sound system make it become worse. It can make our day in a noisy mode. More and more place will played their music in a high volume without thinking of other people.

         However, music can also give positive impacts to individuals and societies. Music is always used as a medium to human expression which we cannot express in a wording form. Most peoples assumed music as a subjective thing. Apart from that, music also can be a mirror to somebody's image and attitudes. From music that people hear, we can give some pictorial assumptions to their attitudes. In culture, music can be an identity of a religion, region ans places. So that, music will be a useful medium for unity of people in this world. Many activities based on musics such as music festivals, concerts and orchestra can be used as a platform for human unity.

        In conclusion, music can give humans both impacts, either bad or good, either positives or negatives but it depends on individuals how they use it and appreciate it as what they want because music is part of human art and a subjective thing to us.

July 4, 2012
2:10 pm
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THE INTRO.

 

1. Simplify: Remove unnecessary words and be concise. I know you want to impress the examiner so you used some different words, such as "essential branch", " in my point of view", but they seem to me kind of tedious and gabble. So I suggest you cut down a little bit.

Music can be one essential branch of entertainment in human life→Music is essential in human life or Music can be really entertaining. 

In contrast, musicians and music lovers do not agree with this opinion→But music lovers do not agree.

In my point of view→ In my view

2. Mix long sentences with short sentences: You have four sentences in this part, but every sentences you wrote has the similar words. You should try to write some complex sentences and simple sentences.

 

3. Enrich the content: I think your intro. is not impressive enough, because it is empty, and just repeats the words the topic gives. In my view, only the first sentences was wrote by yourself, but the others, actually, were cut down from the topic and reassembled.

Here is my revise, just for your reference.

Music is important in human life. It can be entertaining, relaxing as well as inspirational. Advantages being presented though, many people insist that music can lead to negative effects which endanger both the individuals and societies. In my view, music is neither all positive nor all negative. 

July 4, 2012
2:35 pm
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THE SECOND PARAGRAPH

 

Your first sentence

Nowadays, music can be divided into many genres.

Usually, in the first sentence, you need to put forward your opinion—the thesis, so that the examiner can clearly know what you are talking about. But you said "music can be divided into many genres" here, it seems like you are going to talk about the music types but not the advantages. 

 

You wrote

However, existence of new genre of music such as hip hop, techno and R&B, frequently give a bad impact to us.

Really? Sounds a little extreme and unconvinced, because some of them could really be inspirational. The problem is not the genre of music, but the lyrics and the singers of those songs. Don't you think so?

Could "some music in which the lyrics are full of sex and violence……” be better?

July 4, 2012
3:31 pm
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Music can be one(an) essential branch of entertainment in human life. However, some people think that music leads to negative impact to (on) societies. In contrast, musicians and music lovers do not agree with this opinion. In my point of view, music can give both negative and positive impact to(on/effect…to) individuals and societies.

         Nowadays, music can be divided into many genres. Anyone can choose what (the) kind of music they preferred and love. However, (the) existence of new genre of music such as hip hop, techno and R&B, frequently give(gives. The subject is "existence") a bad impact(effect) to us. Those genres usually encouraging(encourage) people to have a social life which is in a wrong ways. for(For) example, a lot of musicians and singers in(of) those genres usually get involved with negative activities such as drugs, gangsterism and triads (what are you meaning). Thus, many of their followers tend to follow(copy) their identities(characters) and lifestyles. In addition, those types of music will allow and contribute to(lead to/cause/result in) sound pollutions in society. Having said that (What is more),evolution of music instruments and sound system make it become worse(I don't know what you are meaning). It can make our day in a noisy mode(It makes noise in our daily lives).More and more place will played their music in a high volume without thinking of other people( Do you mean "In some place, music is playd loudly without thinking of others"? ).

         However, music can also give positive impacts to individuals and societies. Music is always used as a medium to (of) human expression which we cannot express in a wording form (Music can be used as a medium to express something which is beyond words/cannot be conveyed in words).Most peoples assumed music as a subjective thing(do not help). Apart from that, music also can be a mirror to somebody's image and attitudes(music is also a mirror reflecting people's imagination, creation and attitude).From music that people hear, we can give some pictorial assumptions to their attitudes(We can get to know a person from the music he/she likes). In culture(In terms of culture), music can be an identity of a religion, region ans places. So that, music will be a useful medium for unity of people (uniting people) in this world. Many activities based(basing) on musics such as music festivals, concerts and orchestra can be used as a platform for human unity.

        In conclusion, music can give humans both impacts, either bad or good, either positives or negatives(impact people both positively and negatively),but it depends on individuals how they use it(how the individuals use it) and appreciate it as what they want because music is part of human art and a subjective thing to us.

This is the comment basing on your original essay.

July 5, 2012
11:46 am
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Thanks, Alison.....Really appreciate it.I'm quite weak in this part....Will upload more and more essays and topics afterwards. Hope you guys can put some comments and advise.So, i can improve my essay writing.Thanks a lot.

July 6, 2012
2:04 pm
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HI Ammat and welcome to Writefix

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • Music has a negative impact to societies → a negative impact on societies
  • give a bad impact to us → has a bad impact on us.

You’ve used the word ‘impact’ five times. Try to vary your vocabulary.

You wrote:

  • Music can be one essential branch of entertainment in human life. (11 words)

‘Can be’ is a little weak. Let’s make your opening sentence stronger. Here’s one possible rewrite:

For many people, music is an essential part of life. (10 words)

  • Music is always used as a medium to human expression which we cannot express in a wording form (18 words) → Music can allow us to express which we cannot say in words (12 words) OR Music lets us express ourselves

Articles and Plurals

  • music leads to negative impact → music has a negative impact
  • music can give both negative and positive impact → music can have both negative and positive impacts on societies and individuals
  • Most peoples  → Most people
  • Many activities based on musics → Many activities based on music
  • either positives or negatives → either positive or negative

Tense

  • Anyone can choose what kind of music they preferred → Anyone can choose what kind of music they prefer
  • Those genre usually encouraging people  → Those genres usually encourage people
  • More and more place will played their music → More and more places play their music
  • Most people assumed music as a subjective thing → Most people assume music is a subjective thing  OR Most people react very subjectively to music   OR  Attitudes to music are very subjective.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

Those genre usually encouraging people to have a social life which is in a wrong ways, for example a lot of musicians and singers in those genres get involved with negative activities such as drugs, gangsterism and triads. Thus, many of their followers tend to follow their identities and lifestyles.  (50 words)

We can shorten these sentences. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Those genres often encourage people to get involved with negative activities such as drugs and gangs and criminal behavior. (19 words)  OR

Many musicians and singers in those genres get involved with negative activities such as drugs and gangs and criminal behavior, and this encourages many of their followers to do the same.  (32 words) OR

Many musicians and singers in those genres glamorize drugs and gangs and criminal behavior, and this can encourage many of their followers to get involved with these activities.  (28 words)

Try to avoid using the vague phrase ‘bad things’ or 'wrong things.' Specify!

Generalization: Support your ideas

  • In addition, those types of music will allow and contribute to sound pollution in society.

‘Sound pollution’ here is very subjective: a sound one person loves can be sound pollution to another person.  Make sure you support your ideas. To different people, Beethoven, Norah Jones, Kenny G (definitely), Justin Bieber, Tibetan Singing Bowls or Tupac might mean sound pollution.

Shorten/Simplify 2

You have a  45-word monster sentence in the conclusion

In conclusion, music can give humans both impacts, either bad or good, either positives or negatives but it depends on individuals how they use it and appreciate it as what they want because music is part of human art and a subjective thing to us. (45 words)

That’s too long, and has too many ideas.  Avoid sentences longer than about 25 words, and try to keep the average about 12-15. Let’s break it up Here’s one possible rewrite:

In conclusion, music can have both positive and negative impacts, depending on how individuals and societies use it and appreciate it. Music is a vital part of our art and our nature: we should try to use it for good.

Cohesion and Coherence

You wrote:

Having said that, evolution of music instruments and sound system make it become worse

‘Having said that’ is not a correct link here. It should be something like ‘To make this problem worse’ or ‘With modern sound systems’ or  ‘This problem is exacerbated by…’

So that, music will be a useful medium for unity of people in this world. → Because of this, music….

In culture, music can be an identity of a religion, region ans places. So that, music will be a useful medium for unity of people in this world.

The link ‘so that’ is not correct here. Your first sentence states that music expresses individual cultural identities: you need to explain more about how it can be a unifying force rather than a divisive one.

Overall

Overall Ammat, you have tackled some difficult ideas successfully and your essay is clearly organized. I’d prefer to have seen some of your own examples and opinions: it seems you don’t like hip-hop or techno, so what do you like, and how does it contribute to your life.  It is an opinion essay so don't be afraid to give your opinion!

Check tenses and be consistent: here the present tense throughout would be fine.

Watch for agreement.

Vary your vocab -  don't overuse one word. 'Impact' goes with 'have' only ('has an impact').

July 6, 2012
2:08 pm
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writefix
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Hi Ammat and Alison

I've just read Alison's comments, and now I'm sorry I spent  -  or wasted - 45 minutes writing my comment!

I agree with pretty much everything Alison said -  about cutting down on some formal phrases, about some of your links, and about the central idea in paragraph two about R&B and hip-hop (some of it really is OK!) and with almost all of her grammar suggestions.

Great work!

July 9, 2012
8:30 am
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Thanks,Mr. Writefix & alison32559905....Really appreciate it.  I'm really weak on grammar and my vocab not so good.Will work on it.

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