HI Ammat and welcome to Writefix
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Music has a negative impact to societies → a negative impact on societies
- give a bad impact to us → has a bad impact on us.
You’ve used the word ‘impact’ five times. Try to vary your vocabulary.
- Music can be one essential branch of entertainment in human life. (11 words)
‘Can be’ is a little weak. Let’s make your opening sentence stronger. Here’s one possible rewrite:
For many people, music is an essential part of life. (10 words)
- Music is always used as a medium to human expression which we cannot express in a wording form (18 words) → Music can allow us to express which we cannot say in words (12 words) OR Music lets us express ourselves
Articles and Plurals
- music leads to negative impact → music has a negative impact
- music can give both negative and positive impact → music can have both negative and positive impacts on societies and individuals
- Most peoples → Most people
- Many activities based on musics → Many activities based on music
- either positives or negatives → either positive or negative
- Anyone can choose what kind of music they preferred → Anyone can choose what kind of music they prefer
- Those genre usually encouraging people → Those genres usually encourage people
- More and more place will played their music → More and more places play their music
- Most people assumed music as a subjective thing → Most people assume music is a subjective thing OR Most people react very subjectively to music OR Attitudes to music are very subjective.
Those genre usually encouraging people to have a social life which is in a wrong ways, for example a lot of musicians and singers in those genres get involved with negative activities such as drugs, gangsterism and triads. Thus, many of their followers tend to follow their identities and lifestyles. (50 words)
We can shorten these sentences. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Those genres often encourage people to get involved with negative activities such as drugs and gangs and criminal behavior. (19 words) OR
Many musicians and singers in those genres get involved with negative activities such as drugs and gangs and criminal behavior, and this encourages many of their followers to do the same. (32 words) OR
Many musicians and singers in those genres glamorize drugs and gangs and criminal behavior, and this can encourage many of their followers to get involved with these activities. (28 words)
Try to avoid using the vague phrase ‘bad things’ or 'wrong things.' Specify!
Generalization: Support your ideas
- In addition, those types of music will allow and contribute to sound pollution in society.
‘Sound pollution’ here is very subjective: a sound one person loves can be sound pollution to another person. Make sure you support your ideas. To different people, Beethoven, Norah Jones, Kenny G (definitely), Justin Bieber, Tibetan Singing Bowls or Tupac might mean sound pollution.
You have a 45-word monster sentence in the conclusion
In conclusion, music can give humans both impacts, either bad or good, either positives or negatives but it depends on individuals how they use it and appreciate it as what they want because music is part of human art and a subjective thing to us. (45 words)
That’s too long, and has too many ideas. Avoid sentences longer than about 25 words, and try to keep the average about 12-15. Let’s break it up Here’s one possible rewrite:
In conclusion, music can have both positive and negative impacts, depending on how individuals and societies use it and appreciate it. Music is a vital part of our art and our nature: we should try to use it for good.
Cohesion and Coherence
Having said that, evolution of music instruments and sound system make it become worse
‘Having said that’ is not a correct link here. It should be something like ‘To make this problem worse’ or ‘With modern sound systems’ or ‘This problem is exacerbated by…’
So that, music will be a useful medium for unity of people in this world. → Because of this, music….
In culture, music can be an identity of a religion, region ans places. So that, music will be a useful medium for unity of people in this world.
The link ‘so that’ is not correct here. Your first sentence states that music expresses individual cultural identities: you need to explain more about how it can be a unifying force rather than a divisive one.
Overall Ammat, you have tackled some difficult ideas successfully and your essay is clearly organized. I’d prefer to have seen some of your own examples and opinions: it seems you don’t like hip-hop or techno, so what do you like, and how does it contribute to your life. It is an opinion essay so don't be afraid to give your opinion!
Check tenses and be consistent: here the present tense throughout would be fine.
Watch for agreement.
Vary your vocab - don't overuse one word. 'Impact' goes with 'have' only ('has an impact').