Hi Madinarafi5 and welcome to Writefix!
You have some good ideas here and some good phrases, but there are a lot of errors with punctuation and with half-memorized phrases. Try to simplify and keep your vocabulary as simple as possible.
Articles
- Growth of a country → the growth of a country
- government has to look out for → governments have to look out OR the government has to look out
- I would like to discuss few points → I would like to discuss a few points
- it should also pay some attention towards artistic world → It should also pay attention to the artistic world.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- each and every sector → every sector
- reather that spending money →rather than spending money on
- Furthermore, by cprioritising these basic needs would also create them a good reputation among people, this encourages them to do it more. → Furthermore, prioritizing these basic needs creates a good impression among voters.
- Its quite unethical → It’s quite unethical
- Deviate → allocate/divert
Use verbs instead of nouns: keep sentences short. Remove unnecessary words:
- government has to lay emphasis on health,education,food, shelter,and other miscellaneous basic needs of the people →
The government has to emphasize health, education, food, shelter, and other basic needs.
Punctuation: Commas
Madina, be careful with your punctuation. Watch out for commas - if you are not sure, leave them out. Don’t use them to join or split sentences.
Put ONE space after each punctuation mark - commas, full stop, etc. Don’t leave a space before a punctuation mark.
- it is also argued that, governments → it is also argues that governments
- Its quite unethical to deviate the money spent on these basic sectors, to improve the artistic works → It’s unethical to divert money from these basic sectors towards art.
Punctuation: Comma Splice
- Furthermore, by cprioritising these basic needs would also create them a good reputation among people, this encourages them to do it more..
A comma splice is a pair or a group of sentences which should be separate, but which are joined by a comma. They are easy to fix - just use a full stop. Generally, with commas, I recommend that if you are not sure, just leave them out! Learn more about comma splices here.
Thesis sentence
You wrote:
In this essay ,I would like to discuss few points for and against regarding the expenditure for the department of arts.
Why not specify? Find out more about Thesis sentences here.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
In this essay, I would like to stress that the government’s first priority is to take care of essential services, but it also has a responsibility to encourage the arts.
Develop your ideas
You wrote:
There are people who mainly rely upon their artistic skills to lead their life.
What does this mean? Can you give an example? Every idea should be supported by examples. Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Task Response, and look for the word ‘ideas.’
Thanks for our ancestors,its because of their efforts, we have lots of beautiful places to visit ,relax, enjoy our life,.→
Why are our ancestors mentioned? How is this related to art? The idea needs to be fully developed.
Cohesion
You wrote:
There are people who mainly rely upon their artistic skills to lead their life. This lays an emphasis the government to take care of the necessities of those people.
How do these sentences join together? What does the word ‘this’ refer to? And shouldn’t the second sentence be in the previous paragraph? It’s a little confusing.
Standard phrases: Leave them out or use them properly!
All the phrases below are wrong, or are used incorrectly.
- It is vivid that,
- it is unambiguous
- it is also argued that,
- In this essay ,I would like to discuss few points for and against regarding
- In contrary,
My advice is not to use them. They don’t contribute anything to your essay. Leave them out. If you want to use them, you will need to sit down and spend time to remember them perfectly. You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Please try to avoid using these phrases.
Overall, Madina, you need to be more careful with punctuation, articles, and you need to make sure ideas are fully developed. I would recommend using a simpler layout with fewer paragraphs. You can find more about 3773 layout here.
Run your essays through Microsoft Word before posting. Fix all the red and green underlines. If you don't know how to turn on the error checking in Word, have a look under "Useful Links" above.
Looking forward to seeing some more careful essays soon!
Log In
Home
Topic RSS
Related Topics
Offline
Usage Policy