Hello Vicky and welcome to Writefix.
Sorry for the delay in replying - please feel free to comment on other people's writing!
Use simple language
The first thing that jumps at me is vocabulary. I would really try to write simpler sentences with fewer long words. Your introduction suffers because of too many long words, or words used in the wrong way:
Over the past few decades, non-academic subjects have become increasingly significant in the fast-change which based on the culture. There are wildly varieties of non-academic subjects. The sport is a significant place for children. While others argue that non-academic subjects are less pronounced in the near future, I highly believe that it is inevitable and can benefit us more than we can imagine. There are several reasons, why I believe these opinions.
Here is the same introduction, shortened and simplified:
In the past few decades, non-academic subjects such as sport, music, art, public speaking, ethics and citizenship have become more important in schools. While some argue that these subjects are not necessary, I believe they are essential. In this essay I will explain why these subjects can benefit us more than we can imagine.
Note that the rewrite uses more examples, and changes the thesis sentence.
- First of all, other subjects are an inevitable proportion of children's education development
- First of all, other subjects are a major part of children's development.
In paragraph 3, change cookers ==> cooks, wildly ==> a wide, and entertainments ==> functions
Finally, your conclusion should summarize both paragraphs from the body. Perhaps you could say:
In conclusion, I strongly recommend that schools should consider that non-academic subjects are also beneficial because they allow students have a chance to learn valuable social skills, develop hobbies, and obtain a much wider range of jobs after graduating.
Thanks for your essay! I hope you can help some other people out!