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Are non-academic subjects such as music and sports important?
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February 10, 2012
2:35 am
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School should teach children some academic subjects which will be beneficial to their future career. Therefore, other subjects such as music and sports are not necessary. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Over the past few decades, non-academic subjects have become increasingly significant in the fast-change which based on the culture. There are wildly varieties of non-academic subjects. The sport is a significant place for children. While others argue that non-academic subjects are less pronounced in the near future, I highly believe that it is inevitable and can benefit us more than we can imagine. There are several reasons, why I believe these opinions.

First of all, other subjects are an inevitable proportion of children's education development. By studying other subjects, pupils would be able to achieve different experience. There is a single outstanding example of this is, sports are a respectful way to build character and develop personality. It is necessary for learning about competition, cooperation and outstanding sportsmanship. In addition, due to computer Internet games have been popular, a majority of children find it hard to leave computers. Consequently, a growing number of children are becoming overweight or obese because lack of exercise.

Further and even more importantly, the needs of society are not only people who have studied academic subjects, there are several occupations required. For instance musicians, artistes and cookers, these provide wildly variety of entertainments to society. Although academic subjects have played a significant role of children' future career, school should not ignore other subjects, which students are able to gain an opportunity for learning other skills.

In conclusion, I strongly recommend that schools should consider that non-academic subjects are also beneficial because it allows students have a chance to build other skills and hobbies.

February 25, 2012
4:42 am
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Hello Vicky and welcome to Writefix.  

Sorry for the delay in replying - please feel free to comment on other people's writing!

Use simple language 

The first thing that jumps at me is vocabulary. I would really try to write simpler sentences with fewer long words. Your introduction suffers because of too many long words, or words used in the wrong way:

Over the past few decades, non-academic subjects have become increasingly significant in the fast-change which based on the culture. There are wildly varieties of non-academic subjects. The sport is a significant place for children. While others argue that non-academic subjects are less pronounced in the near future, I highly believe that it is inevitable and can benefit us more than we can imagine. There are several reasons, why I believe these opinions. 

Here is the same introduction, shortened and simplified:

In the past few decades, non-academic subjects such as sport, music, art, public speaking, ethics and citizenship have become more important in schools. While some argue that these subjects are not necessary, I believe they are essential. In this essay I will explain why these subjects can benefit us more than we can imagine.

Note that the rewrite uses more examples, and changes the thesis sentence.  

Another example:

  1. First of all, other subjects are an inevitable proportion of children's education development 
  2. First of all, other subjects are a major part of children's development. 

In paragraph 3, change cookers ==> cooks, wildly ==> a wide, and entertainments ==> functions

Conclusion 

Finally, your conclusion should summarize both paragraphs from the body. Perhaps you could say:

In conclusion, I strongly recommend that schools should consider that non-academic subjects are also beneficial because they allow students have a chance to learn valuable social skills, develop hobbies, and obtain a much wider range of jobs after graduating. 

Thanks for your essay! I hope you can help some other people out!

 

 

 

 

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