Hello jLim and thanks for this essay.
Introduction: The reader is a goldfish
I absolutely agree with the statement.
Never start by saying “I agree with this statement.”
Imagine if you were walking in the street and someone came up to you and said “I disagree.” What would you think? You would probably think he or she was crazy!
Always start at the beginning of an essay by giving the background subject and the situation, and don’t use pronouns (‘it,’ ‘he,’ ‘this’). It’s not like speaking to a real person. You have to imagine that the reader does not know or remember what you are talking about and explain EVERYTHING: no pronouns (“this statement”) or unclear references. In a new essay and in a new paragraph, start right at the beginning again, even if you have just written the title. Remove any reference to any paragraph or title or question before.
Nowadays, many cities are noisier than ever before because of the advanced technology. In this essay I will say that noisy cities have impacted our life so much.
These two sentences are very similar to the question, and very repetitive. You have to show the examiner that you understand the question and show off your vocabulary. Describe the background or the situation or give examples. Try something like this:
Cities are full of noise. The drilling and hammering of constant construction, the roar of cars, trucks, and buses, the music from shops and advertisements, and the wail of sirens are all familiar to people who work in the city. In this essay, I will suggest ways to make cities more peaceful and pleasant. (54 words, 18 average per sentence (a bit high)
Word Choice/ Word Form/Usage
In the amazing development in technology science, ==> With the amazing developments in technology and science…
It brings a lot of weaknesses to the people ==> This constant noise affects people’s mental and physical health (Replacing the pronoun ‘it’ gives you a chance to use more vocab).
In the same time, factories... ==> At the same time/meanwhile
Factories noised when manufacturing products. ==>Some older factories produce a incredible amount of noise
Motor-racing make a lot of noise to the cities ==> The sound of people racing cars and motorbikes in the streets is deafening.
People hard to fall asleep ==> People find it hard to fall asleep OR It is hard to sleep. OR Sleep is almost impossible.
Especially in the night, stray dogs fight each other for food. ==> At night, stray dogs fight each other for food
Its bark loudly and get injuries when fighting. ==> At night, stray dogs bark loudly, fighting each other for food.
Government represents a pivotal role ==> jLIm – I never want to see ‘pivotal role’ again! OR if you do use it, use it properly nd make it specific to the essay topic.) The city government can play a pivotal role in reducing urban noise OR The city authorities can do several things to solve this problem.
Therefore, we need to co-operation to the government to solve the problems because we know one swallow does not make a summer.
This phrase is very nice, grammatically correct, but completely irrelevant. Don’t use it. It doesn’t belong here. Please don’t feel you have to add idioms or proverbs to your essays. It’s like adding onions to ice-cream. They don’t belong.
Your organization and word count are fine. You need to spend more time thinking of synonyms and related words before you start writing. It's a chance to show the examiner how much you know - take this chance!
Good luck on the 14th. Please get some sleep on the night of the 13th. The exam is very long and tiring. Bring some food.