Let me start by some figures http://www.online-utility.org/english/readability_test_and_improve.jsp.. Words count 318
Average number of words per sentence is 21 . I think it's a bit high.
Actually, your essay is well-organized and I cannot see considerable error in grammar.But I think it would be better we focus on the content whether it meets task response or not. I think if you sent the question completely we could better assess this, because you in some parts compared joining club with studying in school and in some part you are supposed that club and practical skills is same.
In the first paragraph you started with this sentence:
First of all, joining student clubs is one of the happiest periods of students’ life
Then I guess you should develop your idea that why this period is one of the happiest periods.But you are going to say that members of club are likely to be more closer than classmates. One of alternative would be like this:
First of all, it is more likely to find more close friends in a club student .
In the second paragraph you could add more ideas to support your opinion. But it might be argued that in terms of practical skills some vocational classes already give these skills to students and no need to take part in clubs. I think it would be better you focus on social activities that probably clubs give students.
A club with members from different classes and faculties forms a network that will still exist even after graduation
I think as Mr.Enda says avoid from generalizations.
A club which its members coming from different classes forms a network which probably would still even after graduation.
And the end of paragraph needs to add more details to support or at least put this sentence after you have mentioned that joining clubs give students experience.
In conclusion, students can receive many benefits while working in clubs and organizations. However, there are still a high proportion of students which are very inactive and always concentrate on theoretical studying. As a result, each university and the students themselves should notice the importance of taking part in social activities and take action immediately.
Id like to change this conclusion a bit to get easier to follow:
In conclusion, while students can receive many benefits from joining clubs, there are still a high proportion of students reluctant to take part in these activities. As a result, universities should notice students the importance of taking part in social activities like becoming a member of a club.
Overall, I think your essay is very good and you benefit from accuracy. But I think you can improve your essay by clarity. Put more details after any sentences and use more relevant sentences. Thank you for this essay and sorry if I forgot some points and hope Mr.ENda helps us in this case