Here are some comment on Essays' essay.
You have a run-on sentence here:
- I do not completely agree that tourism only brings conflict instead there are various advantages and disadvantages as well. → I do not agree that tourism only brings conflict. Instead there are various advantages and disadvantages as well.
It’s easy to fix - just use a full stop. Read more about Fragments, run-on sentences and Comma Splices here.
Here’s a comma splice. The length of the sentence should warn you that there is a problem:
- Firstly, as we can see millions and billions of people going annually for sightseeing or sunbathing in the beaches in various country, this would open the door of employment opportunities in various aspects like transportation, accommodation and entertainment. (1 sentence, 38 words)
Again it’s easy to fix. Replace the comma with a full stop.
Every year, millions of people travel for sightseeing or for sun holidays. This opens the door for employment opportunities in tourist industries such as transportation, accommodation and entertainment. (2 sentences, 28 word, 14 words per sentence.)
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Billions of people move → millions of people travel [move implies a permanent move, e.g., for immigration.
- like the way they talk → for example, in the way they talk for
- the more influx of tourists means more production of wastes → the greater the influx of tourists, the greater the production of waste OR the more tourists, the more waste
- create misunderstanding between the nations → create misunderstanding between nations
- the culture of different country → the culture of different countries
- in the beaches in various country → on the beaches of various countries
- the state is building the pubs, resorts and entertainment complexes at the rapid rate → companies and developers build pubs, resorts and entertainment complexes rapidly
- For example, foreigner may expand their knowledge → For example, foreigners may expand their knowledge
- As the international tourism is being massively commercialized → As international tourism is being massively commercialized
I do not completely agree that tourism only brings conflict
This means that you agree about 90%. Let’s rewrite it, based on your statement in the conclusion that you believe tourism is good.
I disagree that tourism only brings conflict
These had leaded the life of wild animals and rare plant species vulnerable for extinction.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Wild animals and rare plants may be threatened with extinction.
Wild animals and rare plants may face extinction.
- Millions and billions of people → Millions of people
- As we can see millions and billions of people going annually for sightseeing or sunbathing → Every year, millions of people travel for sightseeing or for the sun
- Overall, these all stimulate the economic development of that particular country where the people travel to.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Overall, these all stimulate the economic development of the host countries/destination countries/tourist destinations.
Here’s a 31-word sentence:
As the international tourism is being massively commercialized the state is building the pubs, resorts and entertainment complexes at the rapid rate which actually is impossible without deforestation and spoiling beaches.
Let shorten it drastically.
As tourism develops, hotels, resorts, entertainment complexes and bars shoot up, often damaging forests or spoiling beaches. (16 words)
Coherence and Cohesion
Furthermore, some country may completely rely on this industry for their livelihood. This, in fact may be the attraction of the huge multinational investment.
The connection between these two sentences is not clear. What is the link? What does ‘this’ in the second sentence refer to? For example, tourism is very important in Egypt, but does this lead to huge multinational investment, and if so how? What about Mauritius or Thailand? We need an example because the link is not clear.
- In addition, they may bring ill social practices such as alcoholism, prostitution and lack of respect to their elders.
Who does the pronoun ‘they’ refer to? Tourists or young people? It needs to be clearer. Let’s rewrite it
- As a result, young people may turn to alcohol or prostitution and lose respect for their elders. OR
- The alcohol or prostitution associated with tourism may offend locals.
Do you need ‘people think’ in this sentence?
On the other hand, there are some points why people think that the movement of people from one country to another may develop negative relationship between the two countries.
It’s 29 words. That’s too long. What does “develop” a negative relationship mean?
On the other hand, tourism can also result in/lead to/cause friction/tension/disagreement/ antagonism/hostility between countries.
Specify! Generic Phrases/Sentences
- …instead there are various advantages and disadvantages as well.
Specify! Make every sentence relevant to the question. Here’s a possible rewrite:
Tourism can bring jobs, investment and pride in a country’s history and identity. However, it can also damage the environment and risk cultural conflicts.
- On the other hand, there are some points why people think the movement of people from one country to another may develop negative relationship between the two countries. (28 words)
A lot of unnecessary words here and three phrases introducing the sentence. Let’s shorten it:
However, tourism can also damage relations between countries. (8 words)
You have 60 words in one sentence in your conclusion. Do not have any sentence over 25 words, and alarm bells should start to ring at 20 words. Your average sentence length should be between 12 and 15 words.
A conclusion needs to summarize both sides, give your opinion and perhaps suggest something for the future (a recommendation, some advice or a warning). This needs at least two and possibly three sentences. You can read more about conclusions here.