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International sport matches and international tensions (2)
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
April 17, 2012
8:44 am
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This is the first time i send my essay to this forum. Please help me fix my problems and can you give me a score for my essay as well as for other essays of other writers, i thinks it will be very useful.  Thank you so much

Globalisation is one of the cause that make countries all over the world find comon say, like international events , such as football worl cup. Many people belive in a serine picture in which almost conflicts among nations are reduced and the way to express patriotic love is appropriate while other argue that it is football worlcup events that can put countries in a tense stage. My essay will shed light on both sides of this issue.

Firstly, it is probably true that hooligan fans, abusing the favourable conditon with millions people within the stadium, can generate rebellions out of the control of the police. No sooner do they excite fighting between fans of opposite teems than the prospect become a mass and the match thus is likely to be ceaced.  Not only do this actually damage the fairplay spirit in sport but this also leads to a fregile relationship among related contries. However, the advantage which this event bring on can be denied is the mutual understanding about each other of different cultures. Indeed, such a popular international event like football worl cup, of course, is a cultural bridge that help residents from all walks of life come to the host nation for not only witnessing beautiful matches but also have chace to enjoy delicous dishes and discover the quintesence of people and life there. For example, the audiences , after watching soccer, are able to take part in inner-city tours, revealing other activities such as art, history.

Secondy, the skeptics claim that a huge budget will be wasted due to flow of cash are poured into an international event like football worl cup. The reason is because the host country has to use a big amount of money for constructing and services for travellers while there are many industries that need to have more grants, say, education, defence. Nevertheless, taking a closer look, such event-related activities bestow upon the host country and many of its industries significant benefits. Facts have shown that thanks to football worl cup, a number of host countries gained much more prospective profit in tourism and service as well, which is conducive to the strengh of the economy in such countries.

All things considered, both dark and bright sides of the picture are noticed. Popular events can become a facility for interaction but is also likely to be involved in evils.The key to find the peace in the world is subsidary to many factors but mainly lies in the policy and people’s awearness.

no. words : 420

April 17, 2012
8:13 pm
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Is there anyone who can help me ?  plz.....

April 18, 2012
9:17 am
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Hello emkoxinh,

I think Mr. Writefix is probably busy at the moment, so i'd like to add some of my comments first about your essay.

Overall, I think your essay is quite good with clear introduction and conclusion. Also, all your ideas are relevant to the topic.

However, I want to mention a few things:

1) Your essay is too long for an Ielts task 2. Normally, about 250 to 300 words is enough because you'll run out of time in the exams.

2) You still have quite a lot of spelling mistakes. This can influence your score a lot.

For example:  "Worl" should be "world";  "awearness" should be "awareness"; "belive" should be "believe"; "delicous" should be "delicious", etc.

3) Avoid general sentences because you can use it in any essay. Try to make it more specific to the topic.

For example: "My essay will shed light on both sides of this issue" ; "All things considered, both dark and bright sides of the picture are noticed"

4) Try to simplify the sentence because too many complex sentences can make it hard for the reader to read and increase your mistakes.

Hope this helps!

It is hard for me to predict your band score because I am only an ielts learner. But if I could, I guess it might be 6.5 or 7 !

April 18, 2012
10:48 am
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Tommy Bui : thanks so much for your advice. Such a shame when i make a lot of wrong words :D. 

I've found more problems ^^!

 

chace ------> chance

 

can be denied ------> cannot be denied. :((

April 18, 2012
3:04 pm
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Hi emkoxinh

Thanks for this essay, and thanks to Tommy for his comments!

Spelling is important, but I really like Tommy’s three points

  • Your essay is too long for an Ielts task 2.
  • Avoid general sentences because you can use them in any essay.
  • Try to simplify the sentences because too many complex sentences can make it hard for the reader to read and increase your mistakes.

They are exactly spot on. Excellent advice, Tommy!

I would add two things: write topic sentences, and be careful with word choice

Topic Sentences

Is all of Paragraph Two about hooligans? If not, what is it about? Your first sentence describes hooligans and rebellions, but then the paragraph discusses are, history, bridges, and lots of other things

We need a topic sentence like this:

International games can lead to increased tension or even conflict. 

The rest of paragraph two will have three or more examples.

Paragraph Three

We need a short topic sentence like this:

Spending on international events has many benefits.

Word Choice

Don’t say ‘serene,’ say ‘peaceful.’ Don’t use ‘evils’ use problems. Simplify, simplify, simplify. The writing test is NOT a vocabulary test. That’s the reading test, and you’ve already done it by the time you do the writing test. Just relax, use simple clear vocab and short sentences.

Long Sentences

This monster is 41 words long

Many people belive in a serine picture in which almost conflicts among nations are reduced and the way to express patriotic love is appropriate while other argue that it is football worlcup events that can put countries in a tense stage.

  1. Let’s improve it by breaking it into two or more sentences.
  2. Let’s also remove complicated words, and
  3. Let’s remove unnecessary words like “in a tense stage”

International games allow people to show their love for their country. However, they can also increase tension between countries.

19 words, instead of 41! Here’s another example:

Firstly, it is probably true that hooligan fans, abusing the favourable conditon with millions people within the stadium, can generate rebellions out of the control of the police.

This could be rewritten as:

Riots can spread outside the stadium. 

OR

Fighting between rival fans can escalate into wide-spread violence.

Here's a 52-word monster:

Indeed, such a popular international event like football worl cup, of course, is a cultural bridge that help residents from all walks of life come to the host nation for not only witnessing beautiful matches but also have chace to enjoy delicous dishes and discover the quintesence of people and life there.

Here's a 16-word rewrite

Major sports events give visiting fans a wonderful opportunity to learn more about the host country.

Yes I've left some ideas out.It's not about cramming as many ideas as you can into a sentence. Be selective. If you want to add more ideas, write a new sentence.

Challenge!

Emkoxinh, it would be really great if you could rewrite this in less than 300 words, with topic sentences, with simpler vocab, and with an average sentence length of about 12-15 words (it’s an astonishing 26.5 average now). Are you ready for the challenge?!

Tip: don't look at your old essay. Start over from scratch! You can spend more time editing and re-editing than just writing simply from the beginning.

April 18, 2012
3:17 pm
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Just wanted to say again - thanks Tommy! Great comments!

April 18, 2012
9:36 pm
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so, thank you all guys !. from now on, i will start from the simplicity, right. ^^. Hope that all of us will achieve the ielts test.

April 20, 2012
7:21 am
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wrong tread, sorry

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