Welcome to Writefix, and thanks for this essay on an interesting topic. I hope other people try this topic or add their comments.
Alice, are you taking the IELTS exam or just practicing your essay writing? Your essay has many ideas, but it would be almost impossible to write 522 words by hand in just 40 minutes, the time that is allowed for Task 2 in IELTS.
Let us know! Everyone is welcome to write essays here, but most people are aiming at the 250 word requirement for IELTS task 2.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- It's true that getting pregnancy over 40 can be endangered for the mother and baby→ It's true that getting pregnant over 40 can be dangerous for the mother and baby
- Halle Berry born the first baby at age of 41, and cheered the second baby at 43 years old → Halle Berry gave birth to her first baby at 41, and had a second baby at 43.
- Julianne Moore and Celine Dion also had the extra baby at 41 and 42 years old. → Julianne Moore and Celine Dion also had babies at 41 and 42 years old. (I don’t think babies can be extra! It’s not a promotion in a supermarket!)
- Being pregnant could motivate couples to marriage and warm up a family → being pregnant could motivate couples to marry.
- And what are natural ways to get pregnancy? → And what are the natural ways to get pregnant/become pregnant?
- First, to get pregnancy, women have to be in a good condition of metal and body. → First, to become pregnant, women should be in good mental and physical condition.
- The jeopardy comes from high blood pressure → The danger/risk comes from high blood pressure
This sentence is 23 words long and has several problems
Nevertheless, if any women who want to be pregnant with 40, they should do everything to guarantee safety of the baby and them.
Let’s simplify it (although we need to use a complicated structure):
Nevertheless, women who want to be pregnant at 40 should do everything for their own safety and that of the baby. OR
In this essay, I will suggest some ways for women over 40 to have a safe delivery.
Here’s a long sentence (25 words) with many clauses and phrases and some problems:
Hence, especially for women who are 40 and over, should have an everyday nourishing meal, do exercise moderately, breathe as much fresh air as possible.
Try to keep sentences below 20 words. This could be rewritten more simply as
Women over 40 should have nourishing food, exercise moderately and get as much fresh air as possible. (17 words)
- However, the modern life madeso many women become too busy to be pregnant. →
However, modern life has made many women too busy to be pregnant. OR
Today, many women have become too busy to be pregnant.
It seems as if Hollywood has made pregnancy over 40 become a trend for women.
- Some research has proven that, women will be prettier → Some research has proved that women will be prettier
- Moreover, being pregnant could motivate couples to marriage and warm up a family, bring joyfulness to family members
If you are doing IELTS writing, you need to avoid generalizations or unsupported ideas. Have a look at the descriptors for Task 2 Writing in IELTS, under Task Response.
I am not a medical expert, so I will have to ask my sisters about this (it could explain a lot!):
For example, if she drinking too much beer, smoke a least two cigarette a day, she also has a brittle temper
Here’s another generalization
First, to get pregnancy, women have to be in a good condition of metal and body.
I’m not a doctor, but as far as I know, many women can become pregnant even if sick or very unhappy. We can change the sentence to make it less of a generalization
First, to become pregnant, women should be in good physical and mental condition.
Here’s a more serious generalization
...diabetes can lead to catastrophe, which means you future child could get Down syndrome.
I looked at the Mayo Clinic website and that the UK’s National Health Service website for causes of Down’s Syndrome but found no reference to diabetes in the mother being a cause. The IELTS exam is not a medical test, but we do have to avoid generalizations or unsupported ideas.
If you are doing IELTS, you need to reduce, reduce, reduce. Omit all unnecessary details.
Pregnancy is one of the most marvelous things in the world because not every woman can be pregnant, and what would happen to the humanity if women can’t be pregnant?
I really don't think that many women get pregnant to improve their skin:
There is a lot of wonderful things make reasons to be pregnant. Some research has proven that, women will be prettier when they’re carrying offspring. Their hair is glossier; skin is smoother and ruddier because of the hormones which secrete from the body during the process of pregnancy. When women are pregnant, they receive several maternity benefits of government and community as well.
This is all fine and dandy, but we need to keep to the essay topic.
You don’t have a conclusion to your essay. Whether you are writing for IELTS or for another purpose, a conclusion helps your reader. It’s where you summarize the main ideas and give your opinion, and perhaps some advice or recommendation.
Again, tell us what you are writing for and we will tailor the suggestions for you. Thanks again!