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Should more money be spent on health education than on treatment? (3)
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April 12, 2012
10:41 am
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I now try to stick to writing for 40 min only

"Prevention is better than cure."Out of our country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spend on health education and preventative measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Being healthy is critical for all human’s wellbeing. Some people advocate devoting more of a nation’s health budget to prevention while others think that it is well spent on treatment and research into curing diseases. In my opinion there are limitations to what prevention can achieve to keep people healthy and i would therefore argue that treatment should not be neglected.

To begin, humans do not always act rational, even if they are well informed and educated about the consequences of their actions. Maybe they can not find the time to exercise even if they know it would be beneficial for their health. Another example is people continue to smoke despite being aware of the adverse effect on their health.

Another point is that not every illness can be prevented. People get hurt in  accidents or infected by others. There are also diseases that are inherited in some families. In these cases prevention is irrelevant or can only help with early diagnostics.

Lastly, in the last two centuries major advancements in medical research were made. Cures were developed for the majority of severe diseases. If the budget for treatment and medical research was cut back to allow for more prevention, we can not keep the same pace of progress.

All things considered, health is too important to neglect any measure to stay and become healthy. We can only overcome diseases with a bundle of measures: prevention, testing, immunization, treatment and research. Prevention is a useful weapon in this battle but not the only one.

April 14, 2012
7:47 pm
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Hi katisss,

I'm also an IELTS taker, I'd like to offer some observation here, hope you wounldn't mind. And please correct me if I was wrong. For this topic, since both prevention and treatment are important, I'd mention merits for both views and say which one I'd prefer.

 

Being healthy is critical for all human’shumans' wellbeing. Some people advocate devoting more of a nation’s health budget to prevention while others think that it the money is wellbetter spent on treatment and research intofor curing diseases. In my opinionthere are limitations to what prevention can achieveprevention cannot be used as a complete solution to keep people healthy and i would therefore argue that treatment should not be neglected.

 

To begin, humans do not always act rationally, even if they are well informed and educated about the consequences of their actions. Maybe they can not find thedo not have enough time to exercise even if they know it would be beneficial for their health. AnotherFor example, is people continue to smoke despite being aware of the adverse effect on their health(I think you have to write more about this).

 

Another point is that not every illness can be prevented. People get(get is a bit oral english)are hurt in  accidents or infected by others. There are also diseases that are inheritedhereditary in some families. In these cases prevention is irrelevantuseless or can only help with early diagnostics.

 

Lastly, in the last two centuries major advancements in medical research were madethere were major medical breakthroughs/advances in the last two centuries. Cures were developed for the majority of severe diseases. If the budget for treatment and medical research was cut and more money went to preventionback to allow for more prevention, we can not keep the same pace of progress.

 

All things considered, health is too important to neglect any measure to stay and become healthy(I don't quite understand this sentence). We can only overcome diseases with a bundle of measures: prevention, testing, immunization, treatment and research. Prevention is a useful weapon in this battle but not the only one it is by no means a substitute of medical treatment.

April 14, 2012
7:47 pm
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Also, I think it would be better if you mentioned something about health eduction, as this is in the questions.

"Prevention is better than cure."Out of our country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spend on health education and preventative measures. 

April 14, 2012
8:42 pm
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I also post my essay as below, hope you can help correct it, thanks.

It is highly fashionable in some circles to argue that more money in health budget should be spent on preventing diseases rather than curing them. While I understand that medical treatment is of crucial importance in terms of curing ailments and keeping people healthy, I firmly believe that health education and preventative actions are more cost-effective and advantageous.

To start with, preventative measures, such as regular exercise, can help people cultivate healthy lifestyles and stay away from diseases. For example, many children become overweight or even obese because of the lack of exercise and over consumption of junk food, such as hamburgers. If they play sports often, chances are that they will lose weight or avoid diabetes. Clearly, this will save much money and pain compared to seeing doctors when their health is deteriorating.

In addition to this, health education and propaganda can largely improve people's health conditions by educating people to avoid diseases. An apt illustration is that AIDS, an incurable disease that kills hundreds of thousands of people every year, transmits via sexual intercourse and contaminated injection. If every individual is well aware of the serious consequences of catching HIV virus, then they will become much more prudent and cautious when facing various attractions. As this shows, it makes more sense to prevent diseases than curing it as some of them cannot be defeated.

However, this is not to say that medical treatment should be ignored. This is because some diseases, such as high blood pressure and diabetes, runs in some families. There is simply no way to escape them. But if people already know that the chance they catch certain disease is much higher than others, then it is still of great help if they can take some actions to prevent it or at least ease it. So, they do not need to wait all the symptoms appearing and suffering.

In conclusion, medical treatment and research cannot be neglected as this is the last resort to save people's lives. But preventing diseases from happening in the first place is more effective, as people will not go through all the pain and suffering.

May 11, 2012
7:37 pm
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Hi Katiss

I'm a bit late (OK, about a month late), but I'm finally replying to your essay on prevention. A new essay on the same topic has been added by Aviko. Perhaps you or Kenny if he logs in can check it and compare it.

 

Word Form/Word Choice/Usage

humans do not always act rational  → rationally (spotted by Kenny -  well done!)

Cohesive Devices

You have consecutive sentences starting with the same word ‘another’

Another example is people continue to smoke despite being aware of the adverse effect on their health. Another point is that not every illness can be prevented. People get hurt in  accidents or infected by others

Double check that you vary structures and sentence length.

Verb Tense

  • Lastly, in the last two centuries major advancements in medical research were made. → have been made.

If the budget for treatment and medical research was cut back to allow for more prevention, we can not keep the same pace of progress. →

  1. If the budget for treatment and medical research was cut back to allow for more prevention, we would not  keep the same pace of progress.  OR
  2. If the budget for treatment and medical research were to be cut back to allow for more prevention, we would not be able to maintain the same progress.
  3. If the budget for treatment and medical research had been cut back to allow for more prevention, we would not have been able to keep the same pace of progress.

Great sentences!

I really like the last sentence:

Prevention is a useful weapon in this battle but not the only one.

May 11, 2012
8:00 pm
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Hi Kenny

Apologies - I seem to have missed this essay. Anyway, I hope these comments help you or some other writers.

Your essay is very well written and 'most sentences are error free.' Have a look at the IELTS descriptors for this phrase.

Your essay is 356 words long, which is definitely on the long side. A lot of phrases could be removed and sentences shortened. You have a lot of long sentences and an average of 20.9 words per sentence (See the readability links at the top of this page under ‘Useful Links’). You need to try to reduce this average sentence length to about 12-15 words.

You can do this by

  • breaking up long sentences
  • adding short sentences
  • removing unnecessary words and phrases

Let’s take your third para as an example. It’s fine, and many IELTS candidates would be very happy to write nearly as well as this.

In addition to this, health education and propaganda can largely improve people's health conditions by educating people to avoid diseases. An apt illustration is that AIDS, an incurable disease that kills hundreds of thousands of people every year, transmits via sexual intercourse and contaminated injection. If every individual is well aware of the serious consequences of catching HIV virus, then they will become much more prudent and cautious when facing various attractions. As this shows, it makes more sense to prevent diseases than curing it as some of them cannot be defeated.    

92 words, 4 sentences, 23 words per sentence

 Here’s a possible rewrite:

In addition, health education can help people to avoid disease. AIDS, an incurable disease which kills hundreds of thousands of people every year, is transmitted via sexual intercourse and contaminated needles. If people were aware of the consequences of catching HIV virus, they might behave more prudently. This shows  it makes more sense to prevent diseases which cannot be treated.  

60 words, 4 sentences, 15 words per sentence

Readers might ask -  why rewrite if there are (almost) no errors? 

Yes, there is a personal decision regarding style. Some people write longer sentences than others. But it's important to know how to write more concisely, and given that you only have 40 minutes in the test, it's very difficult to get everything right if you have 350 or more words. It's a lot easier to get 250 or 300 words correctly.

I've posted this quote before, but I think it's really appropriate. There is a difference between writing and speaking. In speaking, we use a lot of redundant and unnecessary words and phrases. In writing, every word must have a function, just as a machine has "no unnecessary parts"…

Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.

— William Strunk Jr.

in Elements of Style

May 12, 2012
8:07 am
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