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Should more money be spent on health education than on treatment? (1)
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March 7, 2012
6:33 am
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Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


Many people contend that government should priorities prevention of cost effective health problems. Thus, extra money could be used  in health and education sectors. In this essay, I will discuss the significance of prevention of diseases and benefits to improve health and education.

There are several reasons, how preventive measures helps reducing health budget. First of all, several life threatening diseases could be screened during OPD visits. Cervical cancer , for instance, requires simple pap smear .Its early detection ensures 100% cure at an early stage. Secondly, modern life style  making people more prone to certain health issues. Diabetes mellitus and obesity ,for example, are closely related to sedentary life style and intake of high calories  junk food. Treatments and follow-up of these diseases requires lot of money to establish diabetic clinics and hiring specialist. Finally, emergence of newer diseases  require more research works and utilization of country’s resources. Health  issues associated with environmental problems could be dealt at an earlier stage by imposing effective safety laws. For example, Treating industrial effluent and provision of safety equipments to laborers would contribute a lot.

Some people believe that government should pay more attention to health, education and preventive measures. It is certainly true ‘healthy mind resides in healthy body’. Immunization programs and regular health checks since early childhood would help in prevention of several life threatening conditions later in their lives.In addition, Better educational opportunities for healthy citizens if provided would definitely helps in their personal and national prosperity. More over, with  the help of media several awareness campaigns could be launched .Health education, in fact ,helps everyone in the society to enjoy healthy life.

To sum up, governments could save larger amounts in health budgets by spending more on health education and taking preventive measures.This extra money could be used in other important sectors. I reiterate the fact that prevention is better than cure.

March 10, 2012
12:08 pm
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writefix
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Hello Naheed

Welcome back and thanks for this essay. Good ideas and explanation.

Introduction

Your intro is fine in terms of ideas and organization. The first sentence needs some work (articles, word form, organization):

Many people contend that government should priorities prevention of cost effective health problems.

Many people contend that preventing common health problems is more cost-effective than treating them, and that governments should therefore prioritize it in their health budgets.

Yes, I've made the sentence longer. That's not good - I love short sentences.

I don't like the word 'contend.' There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't like it. There. I've said it. I would use 'feel' or 'believe' or 'recognize' or 'suggest' instead.

Here's a complete rewrite:

It's cost-effective to prevent many common health problems. Governments should, therefore, prioritize it over treatment.

Punctuation

Put spaces AFTER full stops and commas and words - NOT before. In Arabic there's a lot of space around a punctuation mark. In Thai there are no spaces between words. But in English it's expected to leave one space after a punctuation mark (comma, full stop, exclamation mark, question mark) and one space between words. In IELTS, punctuation is important. See the official IELTS Task 2 descriptors under the heading 'Grammatical Range and Accuracy.'

Comma, agreement, article

There are several reasons, how preventive measures helps reducing health budget.

  1. There are several reasons why preventive measures help to reduce the health budget. OR
  2. There are several reasons why preventive measures help to reduce health budgets.

Articles

  • Cervical cancer , for instance, requires simple pap smear ==>
    Cervical cancer, for instance, requires a simple pap smear.
  • Treatments and follow-up of these diseases requires lot of money ==>
    Treatments and follow-up for these diseases require a lot of money
  • Finally, emergence of newer diseases  require more research works and utilization of country’s resources ==>
    Finally, the emergence of newer diseases requires more research and the utilization of a country’s resources
  • Health education, in fact ,helps everyone in the society to enjoy healthy life. ==>
    Health education, in fact, helps everyone in the society to enjoy a healthy life.
  • It is certainly true ‘healthy mind resides in healthy body’
    It is certainly true that a ‘healthy mind resides in a healthy body’
  • regular health checks since early childhood would help in prevention of several life threatening conditions
    regular health checks from early childhood would help in the prevention of several life threatening conditions OR
    regular health checks from early childhood would help to prevent several life threatening conditions

Changing nouns to verbs (e.g. prevention > to prevent) can sometimes make your writing move more fluidly. Sentences full of nouns don't move very well.

Agreement

  • Secondly, modern life style  making people more prone to certain health issues.
    Secondly, our modern life style makes people more prone to certain health issues.
  • Better educational opportunities would definitely helps
    Better educational opportunities would definitely help

Non-count

These words do NOT need a plural (no 's' required)

equipment, homework, research, information, data, furniture, labour, software.

Instead of plurals, we use quantifiers such as 'a lot of homework,' 'extensive research,' 'not enough information,' 'three pieces of software,' 'some new furniture', 'a lot of equipment'.

Organization

The ideas are clear and good examples are given. Not everyone will be familiar with abbreviations like OPD, so be careful with technical jargon if you are lucky to get an essay in your field.

What is the main difference between Paragraph 2 and 3? Are they mostly the same? How could the ideas in each paragraph be made more different? (Not clearer -  they are clear already - but how to distinguish between the purpose of Paragraph 2 and the purpose of Paragraph 3?)

And finally...

Naheed, please don't use the word 'reiterate' again! Don't ask me why! It's just one of those things, like 'contend'...

Well done, and just watch out for punctuation and articles. Run the essays through Microsoft Word and read the explanations of the errors that come up when you do the grammar check (F7).

March 10, 2012
1:15 pm
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Hi Enda,

Thanks a lot again for your superb job... its fantastic and really helpful...

I don't know when I would be able to write an error free essay....

I wish if  I could....!

Regards

May 12, 2012
8:06 am
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writefix
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