Welcome back and thanks for this essay. Good ideas and explanation.
Your intro is fine in terms of ideas and organization. The first sentence needs some work (articles, word form, organization):
Many people contend that government should priorities prevention of cost effective health problems.
Many people contend that preventing common health problems is more cost-effective than treating them, and that governments should therefore prioritize it in their health budgets.
Yes, I've made the sentence longer. That's not good - I love short sentences.
I don't like the word 'contend.' There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't like it. There. I've said it. I would use 'feel' or 'believe' or 'recognize' or 'suggest' instead.
Here's a complete rewrite:
It's cost-effective to prevent many common health problems. Governments should, therefore, prioritize it over treatment.
Put spaces AFTER full stops and commas and words - NOT before. In Arabic there's a lot of space around a punctuation mark. In Thai there are no spaces between words. But in English it's expected to leave one space after a punctuation mark (comma, full stop, exclamation mark, question mark) and one space between words. In IELTS, punctuation is important. See the official IELTS Task 2 descriptors under the heading 'Grammatical Range and Accuracy.'
Comma, agreement, article
There are several reasons, how preventive measures helps reducing health budget.
- There are several reasons why preventive measures help to reduce the health budget. OR
- There are several reasons why preventive measures help to reduce health budgets.
- Cervical cancer , for instance, requires simple pap smear ==>
Cervical cancer, for instance, requires a simple pap smear.
- Treatments and follow-up of these diseases requires lot of money ==>
Treatments and follow-up for these diseases require a lot of money
- Finally, emergence of newer diseases require more research works and utilization of country’s resources ==>
Finally, the emergence of newer diseases requires more research and the utilization of a country’s resources
- Health education, in fact ,helps everyone in the society to enjoy healthy life. ==>
Health education, in fact, helps everyone in the society to enjoy a healthy life.
- It is certainly true ‘healthy mind resides in healthy body’
It is certainly true that a ‘healthy mind resides in a healthy body’
- regular health checks since early childhood would help in prevention of several life threatening conditions
regular health checks from early childhood would help in the prevention of several life threatening conditions OR
regular health checks from early childhood would help to prevent several life threatening conditions
Changing nouns to verbs (e.g. prevention > to prevent) can sometimes make your writing move more fluidly. Sentences full of nouns don't move very well.
- Secondly, modern life style making people more prone to certain health issues.
Secondly, our modern life style makes people more prone to certain health issues.
- Better educational opportunities would definitely helps
Better educational opportunities would definitely help
These words do NOT need a plural (no 's' required)
equipment, homework, research, information, data, furniture, labour, software.
Instead of plurals, we use quantifiers such as 'a lot of homework,' 'extensive research,' 'not enough information,' 'three pieces of software,' 'some new furniture', 'a lot of equipment'.
The ideas are clear and good examples are given. Not everyone will be familiar with abbreviations like OPD, so be careful with technical jargon if you are lucky to get an essay in your field.
What is the main difference between Paragraph 2 and 3? Are they mostly the same? How could the ideas in each paragraph be made more different? (Not clearer - they are clear already - but how to distinguish between the purpose of Paragraph 2 and the purpose of Paragraph 3?)
Naheed, please don't use the word 'reiterate' again! Don't ask me why! It's just one of those things, like 'contend'...
Well done, and just watch out for punctuation and articles. Run the essays through Microsoft Word and read the explanations of the errors that come up when you do the grammar check (F7).