I think this is a good essay. The first things that I should say is that your essay is well-organized essay. You have chosen a good approach to the topic and answered one by one question consequently. In fact, you addresses all the requirements of the task.
Here are some comments:
A great competition between schools to attract more students causes to make the teaching hours longer and longer. In order to reach this, some schools tend to have academic session in lieu of exercise classes. In this essay, I will explain how this issue influences the student’s life both for better and worse.
It does not make sense that a strong competition among schools to enrol more students leads to run longer courses. It is much more natural to say that students compete to enter universities.
***In order to reach this: It would be much more better you use this phrase when talking about some certain points.
*** Word Choice/Word Form/Usage: I will explain how this issue may have some positive and negative effects on students' life
A rerwrite sentence would be like this:
There is an intense competition to enter the most prestigious universities among students. This makes some schools focus more on academic courses than sports and exercises. In this essay, I will explain how this issue might affect the students’ life.
Nowadays, going to a famous university is one of the major problems which students have to overcome. Obviously graduating from those universities will help students to find an appropriate job. As a result, they can live better and more comfort. Therefore, it is essential to study harder in regard to being successful in university entrance exam. Thus, the hardship of decreasing in exercise hours which students have to bear, give them an opportunity to live better in future.
The overuse of linking words is obvious (As a result, therefore,thus).
Punctuation: Obviously, gradating
it is essential to study hard
how the hardship of decreasing in.......?
One of alternatives would be:
Today, attending to a favourite university is one of the major problems that students should cope with. They would think that receiving higher education helps them to find better jobs. And also they believe that most well-paid jobs need higher education. This may lead to a strong competetion among students to be qulified to attent universities. Therefore, schools tend to run more academic courses instead of sport hours to prepare students to pass the university entrance exam.
On the contrary, this matter has some drawbacks which we cannot ignore. It is clear that exercise has undeniable effects on our body. Decreasing exercise hours leads to some problems and diseases such as heart attack and obesity. This situation gets more desperate due to our fatty and unhealthy food which we eat. Therefore, we have to encourage students to exercise more to conquer this kind of problems and our unhealthy food patterns
On the othe hand, this matter has some drawbacks that we cannot ignore them. It is clear that exercise has possitive effects on our body. Decreasing the exersice hours leads to some diseases such as heart attack and obesity. This situation even becomes worse when we consider that today many students eat more unhealthy food . Therefore, we should encourage students to do more exercise to that students have less healthy problems in future.
In conclusion, although some schools think about their student’s future, they have to consider health issues as well. Hence schools should make a hectic schedule for learning hours and beside that it is important to have an ample exercise hours in order to have a healthy society.
To have the exercise hours:
To sum up, as Ive said your essay is well-organized and you can convey your meaning that it is so important. I think the most problem was in terms of word choice as you dont take so much to structure. I think if you use what you sure about it may solve this problem. Many thanks to this essay and hope Mr.ENda corrects my comments.