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Should schools have less sport and more academic classes? (New IELTS topic)
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
June 22, 2012
6:55 pm
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Most of the schools are planning to replace sports and exercise classes with more academic sessions. What is your opinion on this change? How is this change will affect children’s life in your view?

A great competition between schools to attract more students causes to make the teaching hours longer and longer. In order to reach this, some schools tend to have academic session in lieu of exercise classes. In this essay, I will explain how this issue influences the student’s life both for better and worse.

Nowadays, going to a famous university is one of the major problems which students have to overcome. Obviously graduating from those universities will help students to find an appropriate job. As a result, they can live better and more comfort. Therefore, it is essential to study harder in regard to being successful in university entrance exam. Thus, the hardship of decreasing in exercise hours which students have to bear, give them an opportunity to live better in future.

On the contrary, this matter has some drawbacks which we cannot ignore. It is clear that exercise has undeniable effects on our body. Decreasing exercise hours leads to some problems and diseases such as heart attack and obesity. This situation gets more desperate due to our fatty and unhealthy food which we eat.  Therefore, we have to encourage students to exercise more to conquer this kind of problems and our unhealthy food patterns.

In conclusion, although some schools think about their student’s future, they have to consider health issues as well. Hence schools should make a hectic schedule for learning hours and beside that it is important  to have an ample exercise hours in order to have a healthy society.

June 23, 2012
2:03 am
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Hi Pedram,

I think this is a good essay. The first things that I should say is that your essay is well-organized essay. You have chosen a good approach to the topic and answered one by one question consequently. In fact, you addresses all the requirements of the task.

 

Here are some comments:

A great competition between schools to attract more students causes to make the teaching hours longer and longer. In order to reach this, some schools tend to have academic session in lieu of exercise classes. In this essay, I will explain how this issue influences the student’s life both for better and worse.

***

It does not make sense that a strong competition among schools to enrol more students leads to run longer courses. It is much more natural to say that students  compete to enter universities.

***In order to reach this: It would be much more better you use this phrase when talking about some certain points.

***academic sessionS

*** Word Choice/Word Form/Usage: I will explain how this issue may have some positive and negative effects on students' life

 A rerwrite sentence would be like this:

There is an intense competition to enter the most prestigious universities among students. This makes some schools focus more on academic courses than sports and exercises. In this essay, I will explain how this issue might affect the students’ life.

 

 

Nowadays, going to a famous university is one of the major problems which students have to overcome. Obviously graduating from those universities will help students to find an appropriate job. As a result, they can live better and more comfort. Therefore, it is essential to study harder in regard to being successful in university entrance exam. Thus, the hardship of decreasing in exercise hours which students have to bear, give them an opportunity to live better in future.

***

The overuse of linking words is obvious (As a result, therefore,thus).

Punctuation: Obviously, gradating

it is essential to study hard

how the hardship of decreasing in.......?

One of alternatives would be:

Today, attending to a favourite university is one of the major problems that students should cope with. They would think that receiving higher education helps them to find better jobs. And also they believe that most well-paid jobs need higher education. This may lead to a strong competetion among students to be qulified to attent universities. Therefore, schools tend to run more academic courses instead of sport hours to prepare students to pass the university entrance exam.

 

On the contrary, this matter has some drawbacks which we cannot ignore. It is clear that exercise has undeniable effects on our body. Decreasing exercise hours leads to some problems and diseases such as heart attack and obesity. This situation gets more desperate due to our fatty and unhealthy food which we eat.  Therefore, we have to encourage students to exercise more to conquer this kind of problems and our unhealthy food patterns

On the othe hand, this matter has some drawbacks that we cannot ignore them. It is clear that exercise has possitive effects on our body. Decreasing the exersice hours leads to some diseases such as heart attack and obesity. This situation even becomes worse when we consider that today many students eat more unhealthy food . Therefore, we should encourage students to do more exercise to that students have less healthy problems in future.

 

 

In conclusion, although some schools think about their student’s future, they have to consider health issues as well. Hence schools should make a hectic schedule for learning hours and beside that it is important  to have an ample exercise hours in order to have a healthy society.

To have the exercise hours:

****

To sum up, as Ive said your essay is well-organized and you can convey your meaning that it is so important. I think the most problem was in terms of word choice as you dont take so much to structure. I think if you use what you sure about it may solve this problem. Many thanks to this essay and hope Mr.ENda corrects my comments.

Besr regards,

 

June 24, 2012
10:55 pm
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Thank you so much Brian for your comments.

I will have an IELTS exam on 30th June. Althogh I know my writing is not good enough to get an appropriate mark which is 7, I hope I could get it.

June 26, 2012
12:33 pm
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Hi Brian

You've spotted many of the same things I have.  I like your rewrite of the intro, and the phrase 'in order to reach this.'

I agree with you about overuse (and sometimes misuse) of words like 'thus,' 'therefore,' and 'on the contrary.' These words are useful, but too many stop the essay from flowing. Our ideas can flow from one to the other without having these words in every sentence.

Brian, one change I would make would be in your sentence:

attending to a favourite university is one of the major problems that students should cope with.

I would suggest

  • Securing/Obtaining/Getting a place in a favourite university is one of the main goals of secondary students         OR         
  • Not being able to get a place in a favourite university is a major worry for many students 

Thanks again for your comments!

June 26, 2012
12:39 pm
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Hi Pedram_vaziry and thanks for this essay.  (And thanks Brian for your comments!)

Try not to panic about the exam on Saturday. Just get plenty of sleep the night before and  bring plenty of sharp pencils to the exam! Make notes, underline, and highlight in the reading and listening, and make a plan or brainstorm in the writing.

 Here are some comments on this essay:

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • A great competition between schools to attract more students causes to make the teaching hours longer and longer.  →
    Increasing competition for students between schools is leading to longer teaching hours.     OR        
    Increased competition for students between schools is leading to longer teaching hours.
       
  • In order to reach this→ In order to achieve this
       
  • Nowadays, going to a famous university is one of the major problems which students have to overcome. →
    Nowadays, trying to get a place in a famous university is a major concern of students.    OR           
    Nowadays, students are very anxious to get a place in a prestigious university.      
     
  • this kind of problems → this kind of problem
     
  • they can live better and more comfort → they can live better and more comfortably
       
  • Therefore, it is essential to study harder in regard to being successful in university entrance exam → Therefore, it is essential to study harder to be successful in the university entrance exam
       
  • Hence schools should make a hectic schedule for learning hours → Hence schools should offer/provide/have a busy schedule   (hectic is usually a negative word)

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote a29-word monster in your conclusion:

Hence schools should make a hectic schedule for learning hours and beside that it is important  to have an ample exercise hours in order to have a healthy society. (29 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Schools should offer a busy and varied schedule with a balanced mix of sports and academic subjects. The result will be happier students and a healthier society. (27 words, 2 sentences, average 13.5 words per sentence).

Punctuation: Commas

You wrote:

Thus, the hardship of decreasing in exercise hours which students have to bear, give them an opportunity to live better in future. (22 words)

Don’t use commas to separate the verb (‘gives’) from its subject (‘the hardship’).  I recommend cutting back on commas: If in doubt, leave them out.  Here’s one possible rewrite:

The hardship of fewer exercise hours can lead to better exam results. (12 words)

Generic sentence/ Ideas

This sentence from Paragraph 3 could be used in a million essays, and it’s also not quite correct:

On the contrary, this matter has some drawbacks which we cannot ignore

‘On the contrary’ is not used correctly here.  Try to make every sentence in your essay related to the topic. This is a topic sentence, so it should give the reader a hint of what it coming or a preview of the paragraph. Here’s one possible rewrite:

However, less sport in school can affect student health.

You only have one idea in Paragraph Three -  health.  Don’t start to write until you have three ideas for each body paragraph. Wrapping many words around an idea still leaves it as just a single idea -  you need more ideas.  Here are some you could have used:

  • Sports build character. Students have to learn to win and lose.
  • Sports are fun.   A school without fun would be so boring that many students might drop out.
  • Sports provide variety. Our brain switches off if only the academic part of it is used.
  • Sports teach tactics. Politicians, businessmen, and administrators can learn valuable lessons on the field
  • Sports encourage healthy eating habits. These habits can last a lifetime, even if the person stops playing sports.
  • Sports teach teamwork. To succeed in most jobs nowadays, you have to be able to work as part of a team.
  • Sports build bonds. Friends made on the field or on the track can last a lifetime.
  • Sports teach balance. Students can begin to learn that their future lives must balance academic, social, family, work, leisure and community demands.
  • Sports are great for a school’s reputation. The top schools often have the best teams, as well as the best academic results.
  • Sports let different students shine. Not every student is going to be top in physics or chemistry.
  • Sports attract students. Many students enroll at schools with good sports programs.

These are only a few reasons for having sports in a secondary school.  Really, if you have some ideas, the essay falls into place and needs no padding. Spend 5-9 minutes planning before you start to write, and don’t start until you have so many ideas that you are able to choose the best ones.

It’s like a car journey. You have to have enough petrol to get you to the destination. There are no gas stations on the IELTS Task 2 highway where you can stop to pick up new ideas and inspiration. Get them before you start.

Ideas

You wrote:

Decreasing exercise hours leads to some problems and diseases such as heart attack and obesity.

This is true, but while obesity is an issue in schools, heart attacks are usually only found among the staff. Make sure ideas are developed and supported fully. Do you mean health in school or in later life? Both are good -  the reader just needs to be certain what you mean.

You wrote:

some schools tend to have academic session in lieu of exercise classes. → some schools are replacing sports and physical education with more academic classes

The sentence was too weak. Try to avoid ‘tend’ unless you really need it.  In the introduction you need to make your points very clearly.

Overall...

Overall, Pedram, the most important point here is ideas. There are not many grammatical errors, and only a few word choice errors, so well done on eliminating those. Now just make sure to brainstorm and get more ideas. The more ideas you have, the easier your essay will be to write -  and read! 

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