You’ve used a lot of generic structures in your essay. You’ve generally used them correctly (not always!), which a lot of writers don’t do, but the effect is still deadening, heavy and turgid. It sounds like an essay written by a machine, rather than by Victor Chan.
As Brian suggested, don’t be afraid to say “I” and “you.” It’s an opinion essay, and the IELTS essay prompt asks to give examples from your own knowledge and experience. So tell us about competition or cooperation in your life.
The essay improves markedly in Paragraphs Two and Three where you go past the generic structures and instead just write.
I won't even mention the conclusion.
Instead of the ridiculously over-used “topic of discussion/heated debate/contentious issue/matter of concern/frequently discussed/ topic of debate,” you can start with a story, a definition, a description of the situation, a comparison of the past and present, a question, a comparison of your country and another country, a comparison of your opinion and what other people think. You can read more about Introductions here. (If you are very skilled, you can use a quote, but I don’t recommend it.)
Many IELTS examiners will look at your introduction, read it - and ignore it. They will go straight to a part of your essay where there is text or script that looks original and is closely related to the topic and is therefore very unlikely to have been memorized. If there are mistakes in that original part, you will still be rewarded for taking the risk and trying to express yourself: if there are no mistakes, well then you are on your way to a really good score.
You won’t get penalized for using standardized introductions/conclusions and generic phrases or sentences (unless you memorize an entire essay or format), but you won’t get a high mark either. It depends what you want.
Where is your thesis sentence? Help the reader and help yourself by signposting the essay (read more about Thesis sentences).
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
Don’t overuse ‘tend to.’ You've used it twice, again.
Don't use the word 'irrefutably.' Nobody uses it, except for academics and retired army colonels in letters to the Times. Fusty, dusty, and inappropriate.
- they are easily to be hurt → they are not easily hurt OR they are easily hurt [Not clear - you need to explain this idea more.]
- Students being taught to beat their opponents have strong confidence → Students who have been taught to beat their opponents have strong confidence OR Students who are taught to beat their opponents are confident
- if a student win a game → if a student wins a game
- once every single individual participate → once every single individual participates
- despite the fact that competitive youths may win some competition → [repetition] although competition is an important and unavoidable part of life
- Children have strong feelings about the group, the community as well. → Children have strong feelings about the group and the community.
Only if all the members involved collaborate with each other, will they accomplish tasks effectively and efficiently.
No comma needed. See here.
Looking forward to seeing some more essays by the real human Victor here soon!