Hi Katiss

Thanks for this -  was this the topic you got or did someone else you know get it?

I will pin this to the top of the forum for a few days and see if other people comment on it or view it!

Hi Katiss and thanks very much for this essay.

As usual it's a well-written and well-organized essay. 

Generic sentences (Standard Phrases)

Your first sentence is an example of a generic sentence properly used. By generic sentence, I mean a standard phrase where you can just insert the essay topic with no changes or just minimal changes. Here are some standard phrases that examiners see all the time...

Should close relatives be involved in the education of children?

Whether it is a good idea to involve relatives in the day-to-day education of children is debatable.

Is it better to live in the present or to plan for the future?

Whether it is a good idea to live in the present or to plan for the future is frequently discussed.

Should college be free?

Whether it is a good idea to make college free is a controversial topic.

Should children be rewarded for good behavior and punished for bad behavior?

It’s debatable whether children should be rewarded for good behavior and punished for bad behavior.

These are all correct, but it’s a missed opportunity to show a little background about the subject or to use synonyms and related vocabulary. Just a small change or two is enough! You can still use these generic sentence patterns if you want, but with small changes:

• Whether it is a good idea to involve family members in home schooling is debatable.
• Whether we should focus on the present or carefully plan for our future is often debated.
• It’s debatable whether providing free third level education really benefits a country.
• Parents have to choose whether to punish their children when they behave badly or reward them when they act well. 

Word Choice/Usage

• Relatives with no children of their own can make valuable experiences educating children this way. → 

  Relatives with no children of their own can have valuable experiences educating children this way.  

• Relatives, like grandparents, may have more time → Relatives such as grandparents may have more time
• An experience relative can also be a good adviser → An experienced relative can also be a good adviser

Nice example of a parallel list with three examples (three is a magic number!

By getting involved in the education of a child relatives can enjoy a meaningful duty, gain experience with children and a build closer relationship with the family.

Katiss, your essay is 350 words, which is about as much as anyone has time to write in IELTS, and the average sentence length is 19, which is very high.

I wonder how we could make it a little simpler and perhaps shorter. You mentioned you were hoping for a score of at least Band 7, so here again are the public descriptors for Band 7.  

You are right! It's a real challenge to say what you want in just 250 (or even 350) words. Think of it as a kind of word puzzle, like a cryptic crossword or an acrostic poem or something. It's not a term paper or a newspaper article. It's a game!

(Here's an acrostic poem, from a teacher's class in a school in Canada)

Hockey is my favorite sport
On the ice or street
Cool and fun
Keep on playing
Exercise and stronger
You should try 

Hi everyone

Thanks Brian for these two essay

I'm going to lock this topic, and instead open a new topic with Brian's two essays on pets.

If you want to comment (that would be great!) on Brian's essays or on his comment, please go here. Thanks!

And thanks Brian for this new topic and for your comment on phrases and mechanical writing!