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Should parents be obliged to immunise their children?
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June 20, 2012
10:48 pm
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Should parents be obliged to immunise their children or do individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their child?


“Prevention is better than cure “is a popular saying.  It’s is better to take precautions before we get trapped into the disease rather than to suffer and get treated. So it is the duty of a nation to lay emphasis on immunization, so as to benefit the entire society.. However, some do feel that its their personal decision to get their child immunized. I would like to put forth my thoughts, on the issue of making it compulsory or not. I would also like explain why I prefer making it obligatory.

Some people think that when a person has right to eat, dress, live in accordance to their wish, then Why not immunization be considered similarly? .They think that when children get exposed to a particular disease, they  get naturally immunized against that. So, why to expose children to other external agents like vaccines for which they are not at risk? Just for the reason that its obligatory. In addition to this, sometimes adverse effects of these vaccines have also led to few detrimental effects in children.

Even though, all those facts are true, it should also be accepted that vaccine not only saves a child but it saves the entire childhood community. Thanks to these great medical advancements, many diseases for example smallpox, polio, leprosy has been eradicated from most parts of the world.The only reason why parents decide not to immunize, is mainly they rely on the fact that those disease are eradicated. Are these parents ready to risk their child’s life against dangerous diseases such as tuberculosis, Cancer, HIV? No. surely they would not come forward to take that decision.In addition to this,I think that if the number of parents not choosing to vaccinate increase, then there would be similar increase in the incidence of those disease returning.

To be more precise, immunization is not an individual issue like the seat belt, which affects only a particular child. It is a factor that has its influence on its society also. So I strongly believe that immunization should be made  obligatory so that it would benefit the entire world.

June 22, 2012
6:33 pm
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Hi Madinarafi

Thanks for this essay on an important topic. I think your arguments in this essay are much better and you are really improving!

The biggest problem with this essay is the intro. Your intro is 91 words, out of a total of 319 for your essay. That’s probably too much. In IELTS, it’s better to get to the point quickly. I suggest 50-60 words for the intro, 90-100 for the two body paragraphs, and another 45-55 for the conclusion.  Total: around 275-310 words. 

The last sentence in Paragraph 2 is circular -  you are repeating the ‘risk you mentioned earlier in the paragraph. You shouldn’t use ‘In addition if you are repeating – and of course, it’s far better to have new ideas than to repeat.

Pronoun Reference/Punctuation

In Paragraph 3 you wrote:

Even though, all those are true, it should also be accepted that vaccine not only save a child but it save the entire childhood community. (25 words)

It’s better to avoid any pronoun reference at the start of a new paragraph.  Here’s one possible rewrite which is a nice short topic sentence and which avoids pronoun references:

However, vaccination is not just an individual decision. (8 words)

Lists

  • for example smallpox, polio, leprosy → for example smallpox, polio,and  leprosy

Make sure lists have ‘and’ or ‘or’ before the last item

Shorten /Simplify:

To be more precise, immunization is not an individual issue like the seat belt, which affects only a particular child.

Here the phrase ‘to be more precise’ adds nothing. You can safely delete it.  You could replace it with ‘In conclusion.’ The comma is not needed. If in doubt, leave commas out.

In conclusion, immunization is not an individual issue like the seat belt which affects only a particular child.

Verb Tense/Agreement

In addition to this, I think that if the number of parents not choosing to vaccinate increase, then there would be similar increase in the incidence of those disease returning. →

I’m going to leave out the ‘I think’ because it’s more of a fact or an accepted cause/effect than an opinion. I’m going to check all agreement and keep tenses consistent:

In addition, if the number of parents not choosing to vaccinate increases, then there will be a similar increase in the incidence of those diseases.

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