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Should parents be obliged to immunize their children? (Intro only)
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July 6, 2012
7:23 pm
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Hello everyone! I'm a newbie and this is my first post in the forms. I'm going to give the IELTS for the first time in a under month, so I'm rather worried about it. I'll be needing a pretty high score on it so please be as harsh as you can in your feedback/criticism. Thanks in advance!

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The essay topic is:

"Should parents be obliged to immunize their children against common childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the right to choose not to immunize their children?"

I'd like to have your opinions on the introduction I wrote for it (personally I'm not too happy with it.. any suggestions on how to improve?)

There has been great progress in the medical field on many levels, undoubtedly, one of the most prominent aspect of this development is the invention of the vaccine. It declared the end of many dangerous diseases by reducing and subsequently eliminating their outbreak. Many countries nowadays oblige their citizens to get vaccinated against common infections, especially for children. This essay is going to discuss whether such laws override parents' rights to choose not to immunize their children, or whether they are necessary to insure children's health and well being.

July 6, 2012
8:21 pm
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writefix
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Hi Absent Crisis and welcome to Writefix! And thanks for choosing a memorable name!

 

Your intro is 89 words long, which is dangerously long. Assuming your body paragraphs are in proportion, you will end up with something like this

  • Intro 89
  • Para 2:  120
  • Para 3: 120
  • Para 4: 70

...for a total of 400 words or so. That's too long. Aim for about 250-300 words, or maybe 320.  It's a challenge. Just ask Katiss what she thinks about word count.

I'd recommend about 55-65 words in the intro, 90-110 in each of the body paragraphs, and another 50 so to finish off. That's about 300 words. If you can do it in less, that's great.

You wrote:

There has been great progress in the medical field on many levels, undoubtedly, one of the most prominent aspect of this development is the invention of the vaccine. It declared the end of many dangerous diseases by reducing and subsequently eliminating their outbreak. Many countries nowadays oblige their citizens to get vaccinated against common infections, especially for children. This essay is going to discuss whether such laws override parents' rights to choose not to immunize their children, or whether they are necessary to insure children's health and well being.

The first three sentences can be safely deleted. Get to the point quickly in your intro and you'll leave more room for the important stuff in the body paragraphs.

From your thesis sentence, it sounds as if you are going to have one paragraph about freedom for parents to decide, and then a paragraph about why countries need rules about vaccination.  Is that your plan?

July 7, 2012
2:32 pm
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So basically, I just have to cut down the size of the intro and I'll be okay, yeah?

& as for your question, yes that's exactly what I plan to do! I hope that means that my thesis was clear enough 🙂

I've recently posted another (this time complete!) essay on the forms- it would be great if you'd check it out too.

 

Thanks a lot! 😀

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