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Should parents limit their children's TV and computer game use?
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November 7, 2011
7:08 pm
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October 21, 2011
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Parents have to limit their childern's time watching t.v or playing computer games.

I agree completely with this statment for many causes which I will discuss in my essay .

First of all, parents have to manage their children's time to help them using it as efficient as they can .

So, They should contol how many hours their children consume using computer or T.v .

Where children can not  define what thay can watch and what they should not .

They should not  watch all programs even that for addults .

Parents have to select them- according to their age- the suitable materials .

 For instance, cartoon movies, children's programs, hobbies programs,or sports. Any material suitable for their age.

Not to allow them watching violence films or violence sports, like boxing or kicking . As it my affects

their behaviour latter on with their friends in school or  brothers at home.

The same thing concerning computer games. They should be for definite hours where it affects their nervouse system and

 concentration if played over a prolonged period of time.

From another point of view, Children need to play outside doors to be exposed to the sun light and fresh air.

That will allow their body to grow healthy. In the same time, we can not neglect the importance of exercises and sports

 which maintain physical body fitness and improve them psychologycally .

They should play with their friends and peers to be sociable and learn how to manipulate their relationship with others

For all the above reasons I agree but, I encourage parents to limit  their children's time all over the day and

advice them for their usefulness . 

Parents should be possitive, take a role in their children's life as they are responsible for this.

Finaly, children should practice all activities during their life, which should not be limited to only one direction .

And we have to direct them but, not to push them by force to certain activity or another.

We need them to have balanced personality and expouse to all life situations to grow mature and able to deal with their

daily life. 

In conclosion I agree for hundred per cent with the above statment that it stats my opinion .

November 10, 2011
5:55 am
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Hello Alia

Thanks for this essay. I do have to say that your essay on local languages and dialects was better than this one -  better organized and with fewer fragments. Let me go through a few points:

 

Chunks of text

Try to avoid using phrases or sentences which are not related to the essay. Examples are:

I agree completely with this statment for many causes which I will discuss in my essay .

In conclosion I agree for hundred per cent with the above statment that it stats my opinion .

These could be in any essay on any subject, and examiners think of them as 'chunks of memorized text.' Your vocabulary and ideas show you don't need them. Instead, change them by making them specific to the text:

In this essay, I will explain why I think parents have a huge responsibility to limit their children's television  exposure.

In conclusion, I agree fully that parents need to be more active in monitoring their children's television and computer use.

Organization

I had to reformat your essay again, Alia -  I am not sure where your paragraphs begin and end!  If you are typing in Microsoft Word, use the little button in the toolbar with the "W" to copy-and-paste into the forum. 

If the examiner cannot follow your paragraphs, you are limiting yourself to a Band 5 or even 4. Have a look at the IELTS writing descriptors for Task 2 under "Links:"

  • Band 5: may not write in paragraphs, or paragraphing may be inadequate
  • Band 4: may not write in paragraphs or their use may be confusing

But look at Band 7!

  • Band 7: presents a clear central topic within each paragraph

So it's very important to use paragraphs, leave spaces, and make it clear to the reader what the main idea is. Make sure your paragraph has a Topic sentence (main idea), and at least two ideas each with a supporting sentence.

Fragments

There are some fragments in your essay

  • Where children can not  define what thay can watch and what they should not .
  • Any material suitable for their age.
  • Not to allow them watching violence films or violence sports, like boxing or kicking . 
  • As it my affects their behaviour latter on with their friends in school or  brothers at home.
  • The same thing concerning computer games.

 

Check out the fragments link here. 

In general, you have good ideas and vocabulary and some very good structures, but just watch out for the organization, fragments, and memorized or non-specific text. Don't throw away marks for nothing!

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