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Should rich countries help end starvation?
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November 7, 2011
5:19 pm
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Rich countries have certain responsibility towards poor ones in the 3ed world .

Even if they do not agree with this words .

Why ? that which I'm going to discuss in my essay .

How they are responsible and how they can help to prevent starvation in the3ed world ? We will see.

Several years ago, nearly 120 years. Most of poor countries especially in Africa were occupied by this which became rich countries today.

For instance, UK  and  France which had occupied most of African countries and exhausted them, economically completely

for several decades.

They depleted their natural resources as minerals, Gold,Diamond, petrolium oil if any. Also they had consumed their 

agricultural crops as Cotton in Egypt Africa, and India in Asia .

Approximately all poor countries in Africa were occupied by UK and France for several years. and they had persisted  like

this for decaies may be for hundred years or more as in case of Algeria .

They were suffered from shortage in every thing . Of course, they had no education which led to illiteracy to a widespread,

They had  no healthcare system, so that epidemic diseases were common . And poverty in the same time .

The above three factors are considered as the main factors that makes any country  to be poor enough to suffer starvation.

Now, those occuping countries became rich enough and  developed enough, they possess the highest and the most well

developed technology all over the world . They have strong economy as well .

Hence,They should help this poor countries to save their children from death due to poverty and starvation .

On the other hand, USA  in stead of spending a huge sum of money to explore the outer space. Which is a  some thing

still unkown – As a well developed country of the 1st world - it should plays a role to help them to overcome some of their

problems. It should saves their solves and do not  leave poor people to die hungry.

From my point of view, in most cases, poor countries are victims of selfish behaviour of some well developed countries in

the 1st world, and I have mentioned some of this countries above .

Now,  they have  to pay some of their duties towards this developing, poor, and starving countries .They should not stay

watching them while they die and do nothing .

Some ideas to overcome poverty in this countries, for instance,The well developed countries can help them through technology in agriculture to increase the farm's crops .

Also in industry, or education to enhance their lifestyl, or through good healthcare system .

this points collectively may help on the long run to modify their life.

 

[Editor: Alia -  I've reformatted the essay (see below) but I'm not sure about where your paragraphs begin or end. Please if your type your essay in Microsoft Word, use the small icon with a "W" in the toolbar to copy-and-paste.  Thanks!]

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Rich countries have certain responsibility towards poor ones in the 3ed world . Even if they do not agree with this words . Why ? that which I'm going to discuss in my essay .

How they are responsible and how they can help to prevent starvation in the3ed world ? We will see. Several years ago, nearly 120 years. Most of poor countries especially in Africa were occupied by this which became rich countries today. For instance, UK  and  France which had occupied most of African countries and exhausted them, economically completely for several decades. They depleted their natural resources as minerals, Gold,Diamond, petrolium oil if any. Also they had consumed their agricultural crops as Cotton in Egypt Africa, and India in Asia .

Approximately all poor countries in Africa were occupied by UK and France for several years. and they had persisted  like this for decaies may be for hundred years or more as in case of Algeria . They were suffered from shortage in every thing . Of course, they had no education which led to illiteracy to a widespread,  They had  no healthcare system, so that epidemic diseases were common . And poverty in the same time . The above three factors are considered as the main factors that makes any country  to be poor enough to suffer starvation.

Now, those occuping countries became rich enough and  developed enough, they possess the highest and the most well developed technology all over the world . They have strong economy as well .  Hence,They should help this poor countries to save their children from death due to poverty and starvation . On the other hand, USA  in stead of spending a huge sum of money to explore the outer space. Which is a  some thing still unkown – As a well developed country of the 1st world – it should plays a role to help them to overcome some of their problems. It should saves their solves and do not  leave poor people to die hungry.

From my point of view, in most cases, poor countries are victims of selfish behaviour of some well developed countries in the 1st world, and I have mentioned some of this countries above .

Now,  they have  to pay some of their duties towards this developing, poor, and starving countries .They should not stay watching them while they die and do nothing . Some ideas to overcome poverty in this countries, for instance,The well developed countries can help them through technology in agriculture to increase the farm's crops . Also in industry, or education to enhance their lifestyl, or through good healthcare system .  this points collectively may help on the long run to modify their life.

November 13, 2011
9:26 pm
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Hi Alia

How long did it take you to write this essay? It's 440 words long, which is a bit dangerous (most IELTS examiners and teachers believe that the longer the essay, the greater the number of mistakes), and you only have 40 minutes to write in the IELTS exam. 

Remember, Task 2 in IELTS is not a test of your ideas or beliefs. It's a puzzle or a challenge: what can you do in about 250-300 words in just 35 minutes (you should spend at least five minutes planning). Not a sociology essay or a review of history. So it's more important to write accurately than to express all your ideas on a topic, however worthy! 

Instead, IELTS Task 2 'is a 35-40 minute review of all you have ever learned in spelling, (yes, spelling is very important), grammar, sentence structure, punctuation, vocabulary and style in English. Of course you need ideas, but they are secondary. 

Overall, you have some excellent ideas and great background information, but your essay needs to be 

  • much shorter: remove unnecessary detail
  • much more clearly organized: remove new information from conclusion; have equal weight for different parts
  • less ''spoken'' and more ''written'' (see below)
  • more accurate with no fragments (see below)
  • properly punctuated with capital letters at the start of all sentences

A couple of specific points:

Writing, not Speaking

Writing an academic essay is not the same as giving an oral presentation. A few times you use phrases or sentences which are fine in oral presentations but not in an essay.

  • Why ? that which I'm going to discuss in my essay .
  • How they are responsible and how they can help to prevent starvation in the3ed world ? We will see.
  • From my point of view, in most cases, poor countries are victims of selfish behaviour of some well developed countries in the 1st world, and I have mentioned some of this countries above .
  • for decaies [decades] may be for hundred years or more

Asking rhetorical questions (Examples 1 and 2) is a good technique in speaking, but less useful in writing. The third example is too loose – you should pick either 'decades' or 'hundreds of years' but not both when writing, but it''s ok to use both when speaking.  Example 4 above uses repetition or circular reasoning, and again does not add in writing, but is a technique that can be used in speaking. 

Fragments

You need to be very careful with punctuation and sentence structure. These are fragments, not sentences

  • Several years ago, nearly 120 years. 
  • For instance, UK  and  France which had occupied most of African countries and exhausted them, economically completely for several decades.
  • On the other hand, USA  in stead of spending a huge sum of money to explore the outer space. 
  • Which is a  some thing still unkown 
  • Some ideas to overcome poverty in this countries, for instance,
  • Also in industry, or education to enhance their lifestyl, or through good healthcare system .

I hope you can try it again and reduce it to about 350 words max in less than 40 minutes. Looking forward to seeing it!

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