Hi Katherine and thanks for this essay.
Thanks to DavidLee for his comments, too!
One important point that you haven’t really discussed is why rich countries should help poorer ones. You have some nice phrases in your intro (“give hope” and “shoulder responsibility”), but why should the richer countries do this? What’s in it for them? You’ve described a lot of benefits for the target country, but none for the donor.
Here's the question again:
Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the government should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.
You've discussed health but not really education (just two words - 'educational resources' ) and not trade, unless you mean the corporations. This needs to tie back to the question more.
Real IELTS questions often look similar to the ones in IELTS textbooks, but are slightly different, or have a subtle twist. Make sure you deal with all parts of the question rather than answer a standard "rich-countries-aid-poor-countries" question.
Coherence and Cohesion
In current news, we can always hear a phrase: the international humanitarian assistance, which is used to give a hand to countries suffering hardship. (24 words, 1 sentence)
The ‘which’ is not correct here. Let’s avoid the problem by simplifying and shortening the sentence, or breaking it up:
We often hear about humanitarian assistance in the news. Countries give a hand to other countries suffering hardship. (18 words, 9 words per sentence on average) OR
International humanitarian assistance means countries helping other countries which are suffering hardship. (12 words)
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- earning bread through their own effort → earning money
- it cannot be ignore that → it cannot be ignored that
- in terms of their health and education, etc. → in terms of their health and education. [don’t use ‘etc - spotted by David]
- improves local environmental sanitation → improves the local environment? Improves sanitation? Improves sanitation and the environment? [unclear]
- Besides, serious supervision system should be established to ensure the assistance is correctly utilized. → However, systems should be established to ensure the assistance is correctly utilized.
- This means that in some aided countries, the international aid cannot be allocated to average people. → This means that in some recipient countries, international aid is not allocated to affected people. OR This means that in some countries, aid does not reach the people who need it. (15 words)
- Instead, the officials become the beneficiary of it selfishly. → Instead, the officials become the beneficiary.
- However, it cannot be ignore that there appear some evidence to support the view that the poorer the country is, the more corrupted the government is. (26 words)
Why all the introductory remarks? They add nothing. Here’s your sentence:
Often, however, the poorer the country, the more corrupt the government. (11 words)
Overall, it's quite a good essay and ideas generally flow well. Some good sentences: I like this one:
Such assistance can really give hope to the people in those countries and help them to develop themselves
I agree with some of his points (not all - some of the minor grammar points he finds are fine in your original), especially the need for a thesis and maybe some reorganization.
I agree with DavidLee that you should have a thesis sentence in your intro. You can read more about Thesis sentences here. It helps you and the reader to know what is coming in your essay.
David had an interesting point about you not needing a paragraph. He joined your paragraph two and three together.
What do you think? I see his point: he's putting two related ideas together (the benefits of helping other countries), and then you would have one paragraph with the negative aspects of helping some countries.
Again, thanks to you both.