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Should student be taught by parents to be a good member in society? or school?
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May 30, 2012
8:00 am
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Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think that a good member of society can be taught by family. Others, however, argue that campus is the place to learn all this. Following are my analysis that point out the upsides that let students stay in home or attend to school.

There is no doubt that school is the place to learn how to get along with communities and individuals. Ability of addressing problem and independence of thinking should be build in school life. This point can be illustrated by school's experience. Sufficient evidences show that children can obtain a host of experience of social skills through communicate with their peers; besides they can be stimulated to know what role they should play in their world. Another advantage by studying in school is that it not only deepens student's confident by competition, but also broadens their outlook from the lectures.

On the other hand, it is reasonable to learn social ability from parents. Parents advocate that high moral values cannot be instilled by attending to school where cause enormous bad behavior on child. Elderly people in family can use their wisdom to helps young kids stay away from alluring and problems. The most important point to stay with parents is that parents have overcame many tough problems in society and witnessed real dangers between people so that young kids can acquire genuinely knowledge from their parents.

In conclusion, though both sides have their advantages, parents have to consider the learning conditions for their child. Moreover, parents have to know the importance of attending to class, and school need to collaborate with student's parents to educate their next generation.

May 30, 2012
9:25 pm
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Some people think that a good member of society can be taught by family. Others, however, argue that campus is the place to learn all this. Following are my analysis(analyses) that point out the upsides(reasons) that let(allow) students(whether) stay in(at) home or attend to school.

 

There is no doubt that school is the place to learn how to get along with(interact with) communities and individuals.(The )Ability of addressing problem and independence of thinking (thought)should be build(built) in school life. This point can be illustrated by school's experience. Sufficient(plentiful) evidences shows that children can obtain a host of experience of social skills through communicate with their peers;(.) besides they can be stimulated to know what role they should play in their world (need more developments). Another advantage by studying in school is that it not only deepens(builds/makes/grows) student's confident by competition, but also broadens their outlook (views)from the lectures.( need more developments. Back up your sentences with at least one reason or example)

One possible rewriting of this paragraph would be:

There is no doubt that schools are the places from which students can learn how should interact with individuals. A student through communicating with other students learns basic social skills, making him/her ready to step into a society. Solving problem independently  could be taught in these places. This might be very effective to student when facing problems in their next years. Another advantage of studying at school is that it builds students' confidence through competition. Many students because of the competitive circumstances  would learn how well use their own abilities to defeat others. This might help them when they come to the real world where has more harsh conditions than school life.

 

On the other hand, it is reasonable to learn social ability from parents. Parents advocate that high moral values cannot be instilled by attending to school(schools) where cause enormous bad behavior on child.(Again, put more reasons to support/two subjects in one sentence you have put in) Elderly people in family can use their wisdom to helps young kids(children) stay away from alluring( temptations /evils)and problems( It is not clear and vague and there is no much relevant to the previous sentence). The most important point to stay with parents is that parents have overcame many tough problems in society and witnessed real dangers between people so that young kids can acquire genuinely knowledge from their parents.( nearly a long sentence with less clarity)

 

One possible rewriting of this paragraph would be:

 

On the other hand, it is possible to learn social abilities from parents. Parents believe that schools are not places where can instill moral values into children. They think that their ancestors could learn what children need in their own way at homes. Therefore, why we should send children to school where students may learn disruptive behaviors there. Moreover, as parents have overcome many problems in the past, children can gain such valuable experience without attending schools.

 

In conclusion, though both sides have their advantages, parents have to consider the learning conditions for their child. Moreover, parents have to know the importance of attending to class, and school need to collaborate with student's parents to educate their next generation.

The weak point of this conclusion is that your position is NOT clear. While the question asks you to give your opinion you reject to choose any thing as your opinion. Try to pick up one side or both(balance) .

Again, the possible conclusion would be:

In conclusion, I think education is not an issue that one side should consider it and the other can leave it. Parents and schools should both take the responsibility of teaching. But I think the role of schools is more sensitive to teach children how can be a productive member of a society.

 

 I hope you find the feedback useful.

May 31, 2012
4:45 pm
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Hi Brian and Nick

Thanks to both of you for the essay and the rewrites. Some good stuff going on here.

I think Brian's rewrite of the second paragraph was very good. But first of all, why does it need to be rewritten?

Here's Nick's second para

There is no doubt that school is the place to learn how to get along with communities and individuals. Ability of addressing problem and independence of thinking should be build in school life. This point can be illustrated by school's experience. Sufficient evidences show that children can obtain a host of experience of social skills through communicate with their peers; besides they can be stimulated to know what role they should play in their world. Another advantage by studying in school is that it not only deepens student's confident by competition, but also broadens their outlook from the lectures.

I really like the first sentence, Nick. However, the reader will expect that the next sentence will be about getting along with communities and people, but in fact it's about solving problems. Your sentences should be like dominoes -  you have related ideas next to each other.  In IELTS, this is what is called cohesion. The sentence should flow smoothly from one to the other, until there is no more left to be said, and it's time to start a new paragraph.

Have a look at more about Cohesion here, at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing.

Here's my reorganization of the paragraph

There is no doubt that school is the place to learn how to get along with communities and individuals and function in society. First of all, children can obtain a host of experience of social skills through communicating with their peers. If children are taught only by their parents, they may miss out on interacting with other children and adults.  Secondly, they can be stimulated to know what role they should play in their world. They will learn to think independently and solve their own problems. Other advantages of studying in school are that it not only increases the student's confidence through competition, but it also broadens their outlook from the wide variety of ideas and opinions they encounter there.

Brian, I thought you were a but tough on Nick's conclusion!  I thought it was OK -  nicely balanced and with advice for the future. It's fine to sit on the fence. Just look at what politicians say! Your rewrite was good, though.

Overall, Nick, I think you just need to try to work on the way to link your sentences together more smoothly. Try to use fewer nouns and more verbs, and try to have more human subjects ('I,' 'we,' 'they' etc) - it will make your sentences easier to cope with. Keep the vocabulary as simple as you can -  don't say 'advocate' when 'want' or 'prefer' or 'like' or 'suggest' would be easier.

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