Sorry for not replying. I was hoping some other people would respond to your essay!
Your second paragraph does not flow very well. The sentences do not join smoothly to each other, and there are too many short or similarly structured sentences.
It is very clear that schools limit students to choosing subject is unreliable. When young people grow up to college. College is a big time to train them. So choosing the subject is the first step to examine students in the future path. Providing that how students take the subject, they probably can’t gain what they want or what they should learn from college life, completely.
This could be rewritten:
It's not good to force students to take certain subjects. College is a huge step in a young person's life, so choosing a subject that suits them will help them to get the most out of college. They will grow academically and personally.
Your organization is unusual and needs work. Your last paragraph has some of the best ideas, but these should be in Paragraphs 2 and 3. The conclusion should
- summarize both sides
- give or restate your opinion
- look to the future
...but it should NOT have new information or new ideas.
For example, the first sentence (edited) in your conclusion:
However, I feel that students should definitely be free to select whatever subjects they like.
would have been a very good sentence for Paragraph 3. The second sentence in your conclusion would have been very good for Paragraph 2. Here it is (edited)
The reason is that if students are forced to chose subjects by the university, they will lose interest in the class.
So a lot of re-organization is needed. You need an
- a paragraph about the positive side of forcing students to do certain courses,
- a paragraph about why students should be free to choose, and
- a conclusion
What about cutting out all the sentences or making a list like this, and then deciding where to put them? Here they are in handy alphabetical order: (some have been edited)
- A good way is that the government can provide several means to let students find out what subjects fit their personalities
- As long as students learn that ability, they can handle the tough problems with their own thoughts (??????)
- Furthermore, nowadays people are entitled to show their consideration in campus or education system
- However, I feel that students should definitely be free to select whatever subject they like
- I think that governments should do a better job of improving and developing education.
- It is very clear that allowing schools to choose subjects for students is unreliable and does not work.
- Students may lose interest in their classes if they are forced to take a subject.
- It not only makes students be more thoughtful and critical, but also influences their social life.
- Meanwhile, students suddenly figure out that have been wasting lots of time on learning subjects they are not interested in.
- On the other hand, it’s undeniable that students have the right to take a suitable course
- If students are forced to take a course, they probably can’t gain what they want from college life completely.
- So choosing a suitable subject is the first step on the student's future path.
- Some people hold the view that students should take subjects which are decided by the university while others say that student should be free to choose their subjects
- The reason is if students chose subject which were forced by university,...
- There are my opinions below
- College is a big step in a young person's life.