Hi Bindu and thanks for this essay.
Grammar
Brian and Ramesh have identified some grammar points and I agree with most of them.
Layout and Organization
Ramesh has also noted that that second body paragraph (your third paragraph) was too short. This is very noticeable, and you need to have your arguments more balanced. Brian also felt that this paragraph was just criticism of people who were against television rather than supported arguments for some of the problems caused by television, and again, he's right. Why are you discussing antibiotics and two-sided coins? Where are your arguments and examples of what you call the 'wrong' side of television?
But there's a much more serious problem that neither Brian nor Ramesh have spotted.
Off-Topic
Your essay is off topic. It's about the most serious error you can make in IELTS. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response. Have a look at Band 4 ("responds to the task only in a minimal way or the answer is tangential"). This is not the band you want. Here's the question again.
Some people believe that the influence that television exerts over society is largely detrimental and are calling for it to be more strictly controlled. Should television be more tightly controlled to protect society, or should television have fewer restrictions placed on it?
The only place where you address the topic is one sentence in the conclusion. I think you've realized this - you've asked Ramesh to conclude the essay. However, it would be very difficult for him to do this, because the conclusion can only summarize what's in the body
So we need a major rewrite, particularly of your third paragraph and your topic sentences.
Your topic sentence for paragraph two was
Television has always left an impact on our life.
This is nice and short and clear, but what kind of impact? A positive or a negative one? Help the reader to preview your paragraph by writing a good topic sentence.
In your third paragraph, your topic sentence was:
However, those people who thinks television brings detrimental effects on society needs to rethink about the uncountable positive changes it has brought up.
So it seems you are now going to discuss the positive changes again. Why? You've done that in the second paragraph.
But let’s go back to the question again. The question is:
Some people believe that the influence that television exerts over society is largely detrimental and are calling for it to be more strictly controlled. Should television be more tightly controlled to protect society, or should television have fewer restrictions placed on it?
Your paragraph two describes three advantages of television - it’s convenient because we don’t have to travel to see something, there are many good programs, and we can see ads for local products (I think).
These are fine, but where are they linked to the question? It’s not a simple advantages-and- disadvantages-of-television essay that you have written a dozen times in school. Your answer is tangential.
The question asks about the control or the freedom of television and what media organizations should or should not be able show on television.
Challenge
I would like to challenge Bindu, Ramesh and Brian to think about the question again and discuss if television channels should be free to show what they want or if television should be controlled.
Here are some ideas, words and vocabulary that you might use
- Freedom of expression
- The influence of the media
- State-controlled media
- Private media companies
- Quality content vs cheap content
- Program Content: pornography, education, health, science, shopping channels, religion, propaganda
- Advertising
- Editorial policy
- Cultural values
- Free market
- Responsibility
- Government control
- Awareness on the part of the public
The essay will probably have a 3773 layout like this:
- Intro
- Yes, maybe some control is good
- No, overall I think the media should be free
- Conclusion
OR
- Intro
- There are some reasons why TV channels should be completely free
- However, there are more reasons why some standards and restrictions are needed
- Conclusion
PS: How to Post a New Topic
When posting an essay, put a short (4-9 word) summary of the question in the topic title box, and then write the full question at the start of your essay. It will help fix the topic in your mind.