Sorry for not being able to get back to you yesterday. Here are a few comments. Well, more than a few!
Warning - long post ahead!
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- we should ban on advertising unhealthy products → we should ban advertising unhealthy products
- on televisions → on television
- limited objections in this policy → objections to this policy
It is of tremendous importance to understand unhealthy products such as tobacco , cigarette , liquor or fast food … seriously do harm to people’s health. (26 words)
Simplify. Use ‘that’ after ‘understand.’ Join the last two items in a list with ‘and.’ Remove the repetition of tobacco and cigarettes
It’s important to understand that unhealthy products such as tobacco, liquor and fast food do serious harm to people’s health. (20 words)
As a result a ban on these products’ advertisements is one of the best ways by which we can made unhealthy products become less popular among people .(28 words)
Let’s delete the weak link ‘as a result.’ Let’s remove unnecessary words. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Banning advertisements for these products is one way to reduce demand. (11 words) OR
A ban on the advertising of these products is an effective way to reduce demand. (15 words)
There will be a lower number of people wasting their money on products killing their lives .This policy leads to better societies , where there are healthier people not suffering from diseases because of using unhealthy products .(38 words)
Nhattrungluu, don’t write any sentences over 25 words. Your average should be between 12 and 15. Have a few long sentences, say 20 -25 words or so, but a few very short ones as well
Here’s one possible rewrite with the ambiguous ‘this policy’ removed:
Fewer people would waste money on unhealthy products, and a ban on advertising these goods would lead to better diets and a healthier society. (23 words)
As we can see, it is more needs to be done to promote a ban on these advertisements as it will deter our children from being affected by them. (29 words)
Here’s one possible rewrite for the error in word choice ‘deter’
As we can see, a ban on these advertisements will help prevent our children from being affected by them. (15 words)
One more reason for people , who don’t advocate this policy is that unhealthy products manufacture creates many jobs for many people and bring in a huge amount of tax for governments . (33 words)
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Another reason against such a ban is that these products provide thousands of jobs and bring in millions in revenue for governments. (22 words)
Punctuation is important in IELTS. If you good writing ability and vocabulary, you don’t want to lose marks because of simple punctuation errors. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Grammar and Accuracy.
In Band 4, punctuation is ‘often faulty’; in Band 5, it can be ‘faulty’; and in Band 6, the writer can have ‘some errors in grammar and punctuation’ as long as they ‘do not impede communication.’ Band 7 allows only ‘a few errors’ in grammar and punctuation.
Punctuation is the easiest thing to fix, so you can tidy up this area very quickly.
Due to the fact that people at that ages are very curious , they will demand products after watching its’ colorful advertisements even though these products are addictive such as tobacco or wine… .
Just use sentences. There’s no need to dots to show that your ideas are hanging on or trailing off. See here for more: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ellipsis.aspx.
Add one space AFTER each comma and full stop. There is no space before a comma or full stop. This is not the same in every language, but it’s a convention in English. If you run your essay through Microsoft Word, it will show punctuation errors. Click here for more about checking your work in Word: http://writefix.com/?page_id=3544
Another point here about supporting ideas and coherence/cohesion is that children probably don’t know that wine or cigarettes are addictive. Your idea is not well supported: Most beer companies or cigarette manufacturers don’t target children directly in their ads, although I suppose it’s always good to be vigilant in case Pampers and Johnny Walker decide to cut costs and cooperate.
Children are very curious and may demand products after watching colorful or attractive advertisements. (12 words). Manufacturers of sweets, soft drinks and fast foods know this well and target children specifically in their advertising.
There is ,however another perspective namely that this policy will affect the freedom of business .
There are five punctuation errors in the sentence above. Have a look here to see how ‘namely’ can be used: http://www.learnersdictionary.com/blog.php?action=ViewBlogArticle&ba_id=160 or http://www.wvup.edu/jcc/pam/semicolons.htm
- There is, however, another perspective – namely, that this policy will affect the freedom of business. OR
- There is, however, another perspective; namely, that this policy will affect the freedom of business.
I would suggest using simpler structures and getting them right.
Just as youngsters are not old enough to know what is bad for their health, so too are they endangered when they are watching bad products’ advertisements.
It’s a nice structure and you’ve used it correctly. Well done! But the sentence is spoiled by the very weak word choice of ‘bad’ products.
Here’s one possible rewrite
Most children do not know what is good for their health, and they certainly can’t distinguish between ads for healthy and unhealthy products
The topic or central idea of your Paragraph Two is that banning ads will reduce lead to a healthier society. Your topic sentence (the first sentence in your paragraph) should say this.
A ban on advertising would lead to a healthier society.
It’s a short, simple sentence which summarizes the paragraph. You can still use your current first sentence, but just move it further into the paragraph.
In your introduction, you use ‘should’ and ‘will.’ In paragraph two you use ‘can’ and ‘will.’ Try to be consistent. The idea of banning unhealthy advertising here is a hypothetical or imaginary idea, so it’s probably better to use ‘would’ or ‘should’ and conditionals (‘If a ban is/were introduced, it would…’).
Coherence and Cohesion
There is ,however another perspective namely that this policy will affect the freedom of business . People can sale and advertise any legal products if they want .
To improve the link between these two sentences, you need a phrase like ‘at present’ or ‘currently.’ Here’s one possible rewrite:
There is, however, another perspective; namely, that this policy will affect the freedom of business. At present, people can advertise and sell any legal product [they want]. However…
(But is this true? Most countries have very tough regulations on the advertising of cigarettes, but it is still legal to sell them in most jurisdictions.)
Specify: Make Every Sentence Relevant to the Question
Try to make every sentence relevant to the topic. Avoid sentences which could be used in a million essays. You wrote:
In this writer’s opinion , despite some limited objections in this policy, it will bring far more good than harm.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Despite possible objections over free markets and freedom of choice, I believe a ban on advertising healthy food would lead to a healthier society.
You wrote another sentence that could be used in a million essays, if it was correct:
To recapitulate, Although there are some limitations in this policy , it is much to talk about its benefits.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
In conclusion, despite opposition from manufacturers and a possible loss in revenue for governments, there would be huge benefits from a healthier society and a better diet.
Your conclusion should summarize the points you made in your essay. You have made a lot of points - now is the time to summarize them. You can read more about conclusions here.