Hello Irfee and welcome to Writefix.
If you have some time, read some essays by other students here and make a few comments. Even a few words will be appreciated!
I understand your essay and ideas. However, you have to stop doing what you are doing, check agreement, and avoid repeating the same words ( takes/makes/good/perfect). Above all, you have to write shorter sentences. Your essay has some of the longest most convoluted sentences in this forum!
Length and Word Count
Your essay is 357 words long, which is too long. I really recommend that you write no more than 300 or maybe 320 words in IELTS. The task is designed to be done in 250-300 words - any more and you may be penalizing yourself due to rushed writing and increased errors. Many candidates who write long essays actually score lower because of mistakes in grammar or organization.
Your average sentence length is very very long at 27.46 words. (You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page- this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org. )
My Main Suggestion: Shorter Sentences
If you only work on one thing, work on sentence length. You need to get this down to 12-15 words on average. You can do this by
- adding some short sentences (4-8) words, perhaps as topic sentences. Short sentences have a lot of impact and will reduce the average.
- breaking up long sentences
- avoiding commas
- having only one or at most two ideas per sentence.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
As we know that in our real life we are faces lot of problem → As we know, in our real life we face many problems. OR
We face many problems in our lives.
- they are becomes psychology problems → they develop psychological problems
- they are makes → they make
- many people who have confidence on itself they easily makes own decision → confident people make decisions easily
In our world mostly people feel that a good decision takes from mind but others believe that good decision takes from heart site. (23 words)
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Some people say that the best decisions come from the heart, but others advise careful thought before acting. (18 words)
As we know that in our real life we are faces lot of problem and challenges so that’s why we need to perfect decision for good result, regardless this many people are makes own decision by the heart and believe that it will get better result in their life but some time they will success and some time failed. (59 words)
Irfee, no sentence in your IELTS writing should be longer than 25 words. Alarm bells should start ringing at about 20 words.
Your sentence has a lot of repetition. You’ve also used ‘so, ‘regardless,’ and ‘but’ to join what should be separate sentences.
Here’s one possible rewrite which is quarter the length of your sentence.
Many people choose to react emotionally or follow their instincts when they face problems. (14 words)
Here’s another monster. It’s an astonishing 77 words long.
In contrast, many people who have confidence on itself they easily makes own decision from their mind because they considered many time before making any decision and allow to others suggestion who have senior and professional life experiences and suggest them for good decision but some time these people also faces hardness and resistance between their family life due to misunderstanding because every family required lot of love affections for good combination which made by heart feelings. (77 words)
Here are two possible rewrites:
In contrast, many confident people find it easy to plan. They listen to advice and plan carefully before making decisions. However, putting facts before feelings can sometimes lead to problems with family or friends, who may put more stress on relationships or feelings. (43 words) OR
In contrast, some people prefer to act logically and rationally. They think clearly and do not let emotion affect their decisions. However, friends or family may not appreciate such decisions and may feel that the person is too cold or unfeeling. (41 words)
You have buried a good topic sentence deep in the middle of Paragraph Two. You wrote:
There are several reasons why many people are taken heart decision.
Here’s a rewrite:
There are several reasons why many people base decisions on their feelings.
This sentence should be at the beginning of Paragraph Two. It’s nice and short and summarizes the paragraph.
I won’t look at any of the other issues, Irfee, just now, but when you post your next essay, just make sure that
- no sentence is longer than 25 words
- the average sentence length is between 12 and 15 words.
You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page - this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org