Hello huynhtho and welcome to Writefix.
Thanks for drawing my attention to the problem of new members not being able to post. I think it’s almost resolved now, but I will keep checking. I’m glad you kept trying!
Your essay is 298 words, which is OK. Try not to go over 300 words. However your average sentence length is very long at 21.3 words per sentence.
I recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader. Aim for a mix of sentences - long and short, with different structures (simple, complex and compound) one or two questions. You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page- this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.
Your introduction is a little short. You could add a little more information here. You wrote:
Advertisement has both negative points and positive points. Some people think that society should ban all forms of ad because it has no purpose and cause damages; however, i disagree with this idea.
Try to avoid using “I disagree with this idea” for two reasons:
- (1) it’s a little confusing. Which idea do you disagree with? What does 'this' refer to?
- (2) It could be used in a million essays. (But it would still be horrible)
Make every sentence specific and clear. Here’s one possible rewrite:
I disagree with banning advertisements because they help the economy and are often interesting and informative. OR
In my opinion, advertisments help the economy and are often interesting and informative.
The same with the opening sentence: it could also be used in a million essays by changing the word ‘advertising’ to another topic:
Advertisement has both negative points and positive points.
Help the reader by giving a hint about what you are going to say in your essay. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Advertising can be used to promote harmful or poor quality products, but it can also inform consumers. In this essay, I will say I think advertising should not be banned.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
In Paragraph Two, in your opening sentence, you wrote:
We use ‘in fact’ to give more information about something we discussed in a previous sentence or paragraph. Here it’s a new paragraph so it’s better to use something like “To begin with” or “First of all.”
If society prohibits all forms of the advertising, i strongly believe that economic 's development will be threatened, new products will be hard to market and concerns find it hard to launch new items to the market.
This is a very good sentence, and it’s almost perfectly correct. It needs ‘will’ in the last phrase to make it more parallel:
If society prohibits all forms of the advertising, I strongly believe that economic development will be threatened, new products will be hard to market, and companies will find it hard to launch new items to the market.
However, it’s very long, at 37 words. You did very well with it, but you should try to keep the average sentence length down.
But wait! Aren’t the last two parts the same?
Here’s one possible rewrite at half the length:
If advertising is prohibited, economic development will suffer and companies will find it hard to launch new items. (18 words)
Here’s another very long (38-word) sentence.
Nowadays, when Vietnam economy integrates into WTO, it's a chance for negative products to import to market so some ads cash in on that to cheat on customers like promote products whose quality not as good as advertised.
Break up long sentences and have a mix of long and short sentences. Aim for one idea per sentence. Here’s one possible rewrite:
As Vietnam enters the WTO, goods of varying quality compete freely in the market, and ads for inferior products can cheat consumers. (this has three ideas in one sentence. Hmmmm - that's ok if it's correct.) OR
Poor quality goods are increasingly available in Vietnam as it enters the WTO. Ads for these products can cheat or confuse consumers. (The ideas are separated more in this example.)
Try to avoid ‘like.’ It’s used in speaking, but in writing it’s better to use ‘for example’ or ‘such as.’
As can clearly be seen from this example: My little sister seems to be very interested in ads of " anfa grown milk" due to funny animated images of giraffes, so my mum decided to buy this kind of milk to make her like drinking milk more (47 words, one sentence)
The meaning is clear, but it could be tightened up a little
My little sister, for example, enjoys the ads for one particular milk product with its funny animations of giraffes. Because of this, my mum decided to buy product to encourage her to drink more milk. (35 words, two sentences, average 17.5 words per sentence) OR
My little sister likes the funny giraffes in one particular milk product ad, so my mother buys this product to encourage her to drink more milk. (27 words. Hmmmm, a bit long still, but better than 47!)
In addition, some ads promote harmful products like alcohol drinking, cigarettes,…can cause damages to people's health
Use ‘and’ or ‘or’ between the last two items in a list. Aim to have three items. Try to avoid ‘like’ in writing. Here’s one possible rewrite:
In addition, some ads promote harmful products such as alcohol or cigarettes which can damage people's health. OR
In addition, some ads promote drinking or smoking which can damage people's health. (13 words)
Cohesion in IELTS means how you join sentences. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Cohesion and Coherence. In Paragraph Three, you wrote:
Further more, ads with funny animated images and amusing songs can easily amuse kids. In fact, commercials make kids highly focused and interested when they appear on the screen. So advertisement purpose is to affect to kid's parents to buy that products. As can clearly be seen from this example
All these sentences start with introductory phrases (‘Furthermore,’ ‘in fact,’ ‘so,’ ‘as can… .’ A few phrases like this are useful, but not at the start of every sentence.
The word ‘So’ is not correct at the start of the third sentence – it’s not a logical or a cause-and-effect connection. A more logical one might be
Advertisers create cute commercials to attract parents and make them buy a product for their children.
- I think that is one of good purposes of ads which doesn't cause damage to anyone. →
I think promoting something in this way is fun and doesn’t harm anyone. OR
I think this is useful and a good use of advertising. OR
Promoting a healthy product like milk is helpful and useful.
- some ads still have finite. → some ads still have disadvantages/negative effects.
- when Vietnam economy integrates into WTO → when/as Vietnam’s economy integrates into the WTO
You wrote a 32-word monster:
In conclusion, i think that society needs to have a possible tool to control all forms of the advertising, which ones need ban so ban, which ones need encourage so not ban.
Try to have three or at least two sentences in your conclusion. Don’t have a new idea in the conclusion. Summarize both sides, give your opinion, or look to the future.
Overall, the essay is relaxed and easy to read. Try to write shorter sentences, and try to notice the difference between speaking and writing. We hope to see more essays and more comments from you here!