A few comments on your essay.
Anufrancis, I suggest simplifying, clarifying, and supporting your ideas.
Avoid words from magazines. Avoid clichés like 'hook and crook', 'latest fashion,' 'latest technologies', etc.
Support all your ideas. Don’t generalize. Have specific examples. What is the main idea of your essay? It's that modernization has made humans more selfish. Is this the topic? No!
Above all, make sure your essay is on topic. This essay would get several bands below what you are aiming at because it’s off-topic.
Your introduction does not define urbanization, or show the examiner that you fully understand the concept. Urbanization means the growth of cities, the move from the land to the city, the phenomenon in which people are leaving the countryside, self-reliance, farming or even subsistence, and instead adopting a urban or city lifestyle. Because of this the essay is off-topic. Have a look the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under ‘Task Response’
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
Hours they are working in their field, due to which they have no time for family and friends’.
This needs to be reworded and reorganized
Because of their long working hours, people have no time for family or friends.
- Now, an individual has no time for to enjoy life →Now, people have no time to enjoy life
This sentence needs to be simplified and made much clearer. At 31 words, it’s too long.
As his life has become so much sophisticated and tough, due to high competitive level people are crowing to work harder at any cost for which they, are paid lumpsome .
It has four or five ideas. I don’t know where to start: there is repetition: one of the ideas may have already been mentioned (is ‘lumpsome’ the same as ‘ransome’? I have no idea what those words mean.)
This is a fragment, not a sentence:
Due to which people are becoming bank rupt.
Here’s one possible rewrite, along with a clearer reference:
Because of this greed for material wealth, people are becoming bankrupt.
. Thus , because they are paid of ransome amount, for which they not even question, whether the work is right or wrong.
Here’s are some possible rewrites:
- People take their salaries without asking if their work is right or wrong.
- People work without questioning what they do.
- People are paid not to ask questions.
Exaggeration and unsupported ideas
Firstly to begin with, to become popular in this world, one wants to be modernized, with all the latest technologies and invention in hand. The individuals, by any hook or crook, want to be famous. This may even lead to murder as well as theft and robbery. This, inturn is changing the man kind to become like animals
There are too many unsupported ideas here. How many people commit murder in order to get an iPad or 40-inch TV? How are people becoming like animals? Where is the development of this idea? What boundary between animal and human is being crossed? What does 'by hook or crook' mean?
Which individuals are we talking about here?
The individuals, by any hook or crook, want to be famous.
Are we discussing people who have moved from the country to the city? Do most people who move from the country to the city want to be famous? Or are we talking about media celebrities? We are definitely off-topic now.
Secondly, the human beings have changed into roberts. The individual are simply obeying the orders of the higher authorities. Thus , because they are paid of ransome amount, for which they not even question, whether the work is right or wrong.
‘Roberts’ is (I hope) a typo for ‘robots,’ but more important is the idea in this paragraph. Who are these ‘higher authorities’? There is no development, no support. You need to specify and name, not hedge and avoid. Have a look the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under ‘Task Response’ again, about unsupported ideas.
Please go easy on submitting essays - it's better to submit one, consider the feedback, submit another one, consider the feedback, and so on. Writing more and more essays at the same level will NOT improve your writing - it will just fossilize the mistakes.
Perhaps you could have a look at some of the other essays you have submitted and go through them word by word and idea by idea based on the feedback here, makiing sure each paragraph has a 'clear central topic' and fully supported ideas. It's not television or spoken rhetoric: IELTS expects examples and developed ideas, not fluffy, cliched statements.