Hi Chao and welcome to Writefix!

Thanks for a very good essay with some excellent ideas and sentences.

Your essay is a little long at 350 words, and has an average sentence length of 25 words per sentence. You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page-  this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.

Word Count

You should aim to write between 250 and 300 words - maybe 325. Any more and you may be penalizing yourself due to rushed writing and increased errors. There is no penalty for writing more than 250, but you will be tired by the time it comes to Task 2 writing, and many candidates who write long essays actually score lower because of mistakes in grammar or layout.

You do need to get your sentence length down from 25 words per sentence. You can do this by:

• Adding some shorter sentences (5-10 words)
• Breaking up longer sentences
• Having only one idea per sentence
• Avoiding long rambling sentences with many clauses

Here are some short sentences that could be used in your essay

Sentence Length

I also recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader.  Aim for a mix of sentences - long and short, with different structures (simple, complex and compound) one or two questions.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

It has become increasingly difficult for university students to find jobs after graduation due to the fierce competition in the job market resulting from the popularization of higher education. (29 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

It has become increasingly difficult for university students to find jobs after graduation due to the fierce competition in the job market. (22 words)

OR

It’s increasingly difficult for university students to find jobs after graduation. (11 words)

OR

With more students leaving colleges each year, graduates find it increasingly difficult to find jobs. (15 words)

Pronoun Reference

• You wrote:

To solve this problem, they encouraged students to work in rural areas with incentives such as subsidy and positions at government offices

Who is ‘they’? Make sure your pronoun reference is clear. And why past tense – ‘encouraged’?

Here’s one possible rewrite:

To solve this problem, some governments encourage recent graduates to work in rural areas with incentives such as subsidies or positions at government offices.

• In your second paragraph you wrote

this practice can help narrow the gap

 The reader has to go back to the previous paragraph to find out what ‘this practice’ refers to.  Keep your writing going forward, and don’t make the reader go back.  Your readers are goldfish, with short memories - don’t make them think!

In a new paragraph, try to avoid pronouns.  You can use synonyms or rephrase the information like this:

I would agree that posting new graduates in rural areas can help narrow the gap…

• Not only does this offer → Not only does having fresh graduates work in rural areas offer

Articles/Plurals

• Incentives such as subsidy → Incentives such as subsidies
• the economic development in rural area. → economic development in the rural area  OR the economic development in rural areas
• sending university graduates to rural area → sending university graduates to rural areas
• Despite all this advantages → Despite all these advantages
• In addition, fresh graduates may have difficulty adapting to the life in rural area → In addition, fresh graduates may have difficulty adapting to life in the rural area   OR    In addition, fresh graduates may have difficulty adapting to life in rural areas

Thesis sentence

It helps the reader if you have a clear thesis sentence in your introduction -  a sentence that gives your opinion and/or tells the reader what you are going to do in your essay or how your essay will be organized. You can read more about Thesis sentences here.

Verb Tense

• Most of the students who just graduate from university  would not choose → Most of the students who have just graduated from university  would not choose    OR    Most recent graduates do not choose

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Not only does this offer more work opportunities to fresh graduates, but also promotes the economic development in rural area.  → Not only does this offer more work opportunities to fresh graduates, but it also promotes the economic development in the rural area.  OR   This not only offers more work opportunities to fresh graduates, but also promotes...
   
• Even, they may think of themselves as a totally failure when comparing with those who find jobs in big cities. → They may even think of themselves as total failures when compared with those who find jobs in big cities.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

Moreover, sending university graduates to rural area may help them develop a strong sense of responsibility, which is of great significance to the character building of graduates. (27 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Moreover, rural postings can help build character by making young graduates more responsible. (13 words)

You wrote a 58-word monster:

In addition, fresh graduates may have difficulty adapting to the life in rural area with very poor living conditions and more importantly, they may become less competitive when come back to cities after spending a great deal of time in rural area, because they may have no easy access to the latest information to enhance their job skills.

This needs to be broken up into several sentences. Try to keep sentences between 12-15 words on average, and have a maximum length of about 22-25 words for perhaps one or two sentences per essay.  Alarm bells should ring above that!

Here’s one possible rewrite:

In addition, fresh graduates may have difficulty adapting to poor living conditions and rural life . More importantly, they may be less competitive when they return to the city, out of touch with the latest information or techniques in their jobs. (41 words, 2 sentences, average 20.5 words)

 Generalization or Unsupported Idea

You have many excellent ideas  but there is one sweeping and unsupported generalization:

 Such feelings are the main courses of many mental diseases which may lead to dangerous behavior

This is a little exaggerated.  Try to avoid generalizations or unsupported ideas. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response and look for the words ‘over-generalise’ or ‘unsupported.’ It doesn’t necessarily mean your idea is wrong – it just needs some support.

Punctuation: Commas 

You wrote:

Only with the protection of the students’ right-to-choose, can the society and students benefit from this practice. → Only with the protection of the students’ right to choose can the society and students benefit from this practice.

Here a comma separates the subject from the verb, which it should never do.  If in doubt about commas, leave them out.

With regard to 'right to choose', there’s no need to hyphenate.

Overall, some excellent sentences and ideas, and a clear layout. Watch those annoying little article/plural errors and watch for reference. Above all, try to reduce the sentence length and avoid being wordy!