Hello jLim and thanks for this essay.
Your essay is 270 words, which is fine, and has an average sentence length of 13.5 words, which is good. One recommendation I might make is to have more of a mix - you have a lot of short sentences, so one or two longer ones would be effective.
The biggest change I would make in your essay is to the introduction. It’s off-topic.
That’s a major problem in IELTS Task 2 writing - see the Task 2 Descriptors here and see the IELTS band you will get if you are off-topic.
Your introduction talks about our planet, changes in technology in the world, cars, and rich and poor people’s lifestyles. The question asks about personal change and personal characteristics - why some people like change while others hate it. You really need to get to the point of the essay immediately in IELTS.
In addition, the intro does not have a thesis sentence. You need something like this:
In this essay, I will discuss why some people embrace change while others fear it, and suggest ways for us all to cope with change in our lives.
Paragraph 2: Off-topic or Unrelated Ideas
Again here there are some unrelated or slightly off-topic ideas. You are spending too much time on the environment, and not enough on why some people like change and others don’t.
Proverbs and Quotes
You have two quotations. The “every coin has two sides” one is used by a huge number of IELTS candidates. Don’t use it. It’s tired, unoriginal, and overused. In your second paragraph, you haven’t related this proverb to the paragraph. There is only one side given - simple lives.
The second quote (“time and tide wait for no man”) is more appropriate, but could be fully developed in your paragraph. Who is Scott? Task 2 is not a literature test – it’s an opportunity for you to show that you can stay on topic and organize and develop ideas within just 250 words.
Your third paragraph looks at people who like change, but it needs a marker like “However” or “On the other hand” or something to show the change of idea from Paragraph two. Then you go off topic again by discussing the effect of people who like change - the effect on the economy, etc. It’s an interesting idea, but it’s not the topic of the essay. The question doesn’t ask about what is happening to the planet as a result of people’s character - it asks why some people like change and others don’t.
This doesn’t mean your ideas are wrong or not interesting - it just means they are in the wrong place.
After all your interesting ideas so far, the conclusion is a little weak.
The people who like to change and the people who just want to live simply may get a balance, therefore, the world will become more beautiful.
It just sounds as if you were tired or fed up and wanted to end of the essay any old way. It’s not clear who will get or give the balance - the people themselves? How will the world become more beautiful?
- review and summarize both sides
- look to the future
- give your opinion
- avoid new information or ideas
For example internet brings us great convenience and efficiency.Besides,outomobile also made it possible for people to travel door to door.
The internet brings us great convenience and efficiency, and cars make travel easier.
This is a fragment, not a sentence:
As they wouldn't spend a lot of money and know how to recycle and reuse all the things.
We need to remove “as” OR join it to the previous sentence.
People who prefer to live more simply can save the environment, because/as/since they don’t spend a lot of money and know how to reuse and recycle.
Some grammar and usage points
- Nowadays , the developed technology has impact our life so much ==> Technology has affected our life in many ways.
- People prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change has their own reasons ==> People have their own reasons for doing the same things and avoiding change.
- The main reason is they avoiding to change because they just want to live in a simple life. ==> The main reason they avoid change is because they just want to live a simple life.
- Some believe that live simpleness get more happiness. ==> Some believe that simpler lives are happier lives. OR Some believe that simple lives bring more happiness. OR Some believe that happiness comes from living a simple life.
- Many people has been argue that life should always change. ==> Many people argue that life should always change.
- They want their life become more colourful. ==> They want their life to become more colourful.
- They want to see everythings in the world as much as they can. ==> They want to see everything and do everything. OR They want to see as much as possible in their lifetime.
- In addition, the emotional they feel and try is much more than the person who just stay in home. ==> In addition, their emotions and experiences are much greater than the person who just stays at home.
Overall, the ideas are clear, but you need to make sure you are exactly on topic.