Thanks for look at jlim's essay. You made some great points, especially about the introduction being off-topic, and the grammar issues.
The only thing I might disagree with you is regarding jlim's Task Response. I think that it's clear what the writer's opinion is - the conclusion says parents should make timetables for their children and therefore set some limits to their freedom. In addition, the organization has the negative side of too much freedom in Paragraph 3, which is the correct position for this opinion. So the big problem is just the intro, as you spotted, and then some grammar/word-choice points.
I think it's very brave of you to try the essay yourself. It's probably the best way to practice and to experience the difficulty of the task. It's easy to find mistakes, but much more difficult to create something. Well done!
Now, please don't kill me....
I think your rewrite is harder to read than jlims! It's a little shorter, but it's very dense. Average sentence length is too long, at 18. We must get this down to 12-14 - by adding more short sentences, by eliminating unnecessary words and phrases, or by breaking up long sentences.
What I've done below is reproduce your paragraphs, and then add a possible simpler version:
Talking about children’s issue and arguing about their needs and requirements, and also appropriate methods to deal with is not a new one. What is new is that, in recent years, it is found that people have been always deeply ambivalent about children’s freedom. Many people believe that providing a boundless freedom for children would promote their talents. While I accept that this may suit them, I believe that their assumption is off the mark. Letting children to follow their instincts would have several negative knock-on effects on their lives which outweigh the benefits. (94 words, 5 sentences, average words per sentence 18.8)
Here's a simpler rewrite with the same ideas
Parents have always wondered about the best way to raise children. Should our children have unlimited freedom to do what they want? Or should there be strict limits on their behavior? In this essay I will suggest that complete freedom may cause problems as children grow older. (47 words, 4 sentences, average words per sentence 11.7)
Freedom right, for many people, is the final frontier. Freedom in doing whatever a child wants with no restriction may be a way to release its hidden talents. By this treatment pattern, maybe there is chance to evaluate a child’s capacity and ability. But any freedom or independency is inextricably linked to a sense of responsibility. We should count this fact that our children are not matured enough to take on the responsibility of their decisions and behaviors. (78 words, 5 sentences, 15.6 words per sentence.)
Here's my simpler version with the same ideas:
Allowing children to do what they want may release their hidden talents. They can learn their abilities as they express themselves freely. But we must remember that children are not mature enough to be responsible for their behavior. (38 words, 3 sentences, 12.6 words per sentence)
As many psychologists have been asserted, freedom in connecting to environment and also freedom in doing things for children should be limited in a sensible framework. “This limitation could be a critical point”, as many researchers have pointed. “A balanced combination of freedom and wise restriction which builds an active environment for children is needed. It could provide many opportunities for them to develop their innate abilities and skills.” (69 words, 4 sentences, 17.2 average words per sentence)
Please don’t quote. Unless you can give the exact date, author and source (academic journal or book), including page number, avoid all quotes. Only use quotes when you have the source open in front of you, and this is not the case in the IELTS Task 2 Writing. Don’t quote real or imaginary scientists, experts or writers. Don’t quote philosophers, your grandmother or your friend. You can say "My grandmother always told me to do the best I could."
You can quote an English proverb but it should be about 5 or 6 words maximum, and must be absolutely correct. The safest thing to do is to translate a proverb from your country e.g. “A Malay expression states that ‘hoverkraf saya penuh dengan belut” explain it, and relate it to your story or opinion. Otherwise, don’t quote.
Here's one possible rewrite, with the same ideas:
Psychologists suggest that children benefit from a sensible framework. A balanced combination of guidance and independence allows them to develop their skills and abilities. It also lets them know the limits of acceptable behavior and teaches them responsibility. (38 words, 3 sentences, average words per sentence 12.6)
If parents take on more responsibilities and provide more active environment with enough facilities, there is reason to hope that the subsequent generations could be more effective by flourishing their talents in preadolescence years. (34 words, 1 sentence, average words per sentence 34)
Here's a possible rewrite, but my average words per sentence figure is still too high:
If children are allowed to be active but also encouraged to be polite and responsible, they will grow into well-developed adults. Providing the right environment for our children will allow them to flourish as teenagers and adults. (37 words, 2 sentences, average words per sentence 21 - still very high)
There's another sample essay on this topic here.
Overall, Amira, it's important to be correct, and you are more likely to be correct with short sentences.
Have a look at the IELTS Task 2 writing descriptors for Band 7: it states that error-free sentences are 'frequent' AND 'uses a variety of complex structures.' This is the difficult balance - complex sentences, but error-free ones. I would suggest that you first simplify more until almost all sentences are completely error-free, and then aim at increasing complexity.
But don't quote me.