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Is it better to attend live events such as music and sports or to watch them on television?
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June 4, 2012
12:56 pm
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Hi folks,

I am a newbie and stumble upon this fantastic website today then write one essay to share with all of you straight after registration (SOooo excited .lol) and be greatly appreciated if anyone can "criticize" and comment on my writing. i haven't practiced for ages and hope that you can comment on anything .  thank you so much.

Chris

Topic:

Some people think it is better to go out to see live events, such as music and sports. Others think that it is better to watch  such events on the television. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The advance of our society has provided people with a great variety of options for spending their spare time. Some people choose to take part in live concerts and sports events while others feel more comfortable with watching televised events. In this essay, I would like to analyze both sides and explain my preference for live events.

It is apparent to see why the masses are adored by participating in live events. One argument is it can give us a first-hand experience and makes people feel like they are a part of such event, in particular seeing the adrenaline pumping activities such as football and basketball. Moreover, people can make new friends and expand their interpersonal relationship, which potentially boosts their confidence and broadens the horizon. Nevertheless, it cannot be denied that the safety issue can be one of downsides since the live game can put the spectators’ lives at risk if it is not well organized, for instance, the alterations and physical confrontations between the zealous fans. 

Watching television appears less exposure to such incidents and more comfortable as opposed to live events. Firstly, there is a plenty of choices available for your preference whilst slouching on the sofa and eating snacks at home. Secondly, it is more flexible to take a break or have a chat with families rather than to excuse yourself by asking people to let you pass by in a sport stadium. Thirdly, such way does not cost you a penny except the electricity bill and is more affordable for the general public. Although this way sounds more economical and flexible, people would not be able to feel the atmosphere of exciting events and enthusiasm from the spectators.

Admittedly, I personally prefer to see live performances and matches than watch them via television since the former enables us to experience the thrilling moments and strengthen personal networking while the latter does give you more freedom and save a lot of money .

words: 327

June 6, 2012
11:10 am
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Some people think it is better to go out to see live events, such as music and sports. Others think that it is better to watch such events on the television. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It seems paradox that some people spare no expenses to see live events in person when the same event is broadcast free of charge on television. Both ways of enjoying a sports event or concert have distinct advantages and downsides. Personally, I prefer to watch events on TV as I cannot stand large and noisy crowds.

Attending a match or show in person can be a more impressive and immersive experience for several reasons. As a member of the audience you can share your enthusiasm for the sport or the music with like-minded people. For some people, watching televised events also lack the more subtle qualities, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience. Then, at a live event one can participate by dancing during a concert or cheering one’s team or favorite. Both may be a bit awkward in front of one’s TV set. Lastly, seeing an event live can more memorable and gives us more choices what to watch. For example, one does not have to watch advertisment during the breaks in a sport match and can walk around and choose one’s point of view. In contrast, in front of the TV we are limited to watch  to the camera’s chosen view.

On the other hand, watching an event on TV can be flexible, comfortable, cost effective and enable more people to see the same show or event. Major events, like the Olympics, are watched by millions of people all over the world. It would be completely impossible for all of them to attend the games. Then, those people watching at home do not have to spend money on tickets or time in crowded mass transit or traffic jams on the way to the stadium. They may even have a better view as the cameras are usually permitted to be closer to the action than the spectators. Moreover, on TV we can watch an event when we have the time by recording it or even re-watch it another time.

All in all, watching an event on TV can be more convenient while watching in persons tends to be more exciting. While I do not like being in a crowds too much I can see the attraction of actually being there in person. In the end, convinced fans will probably be in the audience while for people only casually interested or too busy TV is a good alternative.

June 6, 2012
5:49 pm
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Hi ChrisLuke921221

Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix! You sound very enthusiastic! Thanks for commenting on some other essays - people really appreciate it. You are a talented writer.

Word Count

Your essay is a little long at 420 words. How long did it take you to write it?  Remember, you have to write by hand and you only have 30 or 35 minutes for Task 2 after you allow 5 minutes for planning. Great if you can do it, but a lot of candidates for the IELTS exam lose marks by writing too much. Really!

There’s no penalty for writing more than 250, but they lose marks by having to hurry, by making more mistakes, and by going off-topic. The topics have been tested and are designed to be answered in about 245 to 350 words.  We don’t have to write down all we know about the topic – just enough!

Another point is that the average sentence length is very long at 28 words. I recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader.  Aim for a mix of sentences - long and short, simple, complex and compound.

You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page-  this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.

Introduction

Your intro could go straight to the point by dropping your first sentence. I like the rest of your intro and the thesis sentence -  nice and clear.

Shorten/Simplify

A lot of your sentences could be much shorter.

You wrote a 34-word monster:

It is apparent to see the growing number of people engaged in live events nowadays as the standard of living has greatly ameliorated and they have a far greater purchase power than ever before.  (34 words).

Here are two possible rewrites:

 More people attend live events nowadays as standards of living have improved and they have more money. (17 words)                   OR

As standards of living rise, more people can attend music and sports events.  (13 words)

Here’s a 44-word monster

As is known to us that participating in live events can give us a sensory experience and makes people feel like they are part of such event and thereby get more excited, in particular seeing the adrenaline pumping activities such as football and basketball.

Let’s break it up:

Live events are a fuller sensory experience. People feel part of the event, particularly for adrenalin-pumping sports such as football or basketball. (20 words, 2 sentences, average sentence length 10 words)

Here’s yet another:

Moreover, people can make new friends and expand their interpersonal relationships, which potentially can boost their confidence and broaden the horizon in terms of knowledge and experience.

What horizon? Here’s one possible rewrite:

Moreover, people can make new friends at concerts or matches. No one has ever made friends by watching television alone at home.

Punctuation: Fragments

This is a fragment -  an incomplete sentence:

For instance, the alterations and physical confrontations between the zealous fans.

It’s easy to fix – join it to the previous or following  sentence, or add more info.

For instance, attending sports events can mean getting caught up in fights between fans.

Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • alterations and physical confrontations → altercations
  • there is a plenty of choices  → there are plenty of choices
  • Television appears less exposure to such incidents and more comfortable as opposed to live events . → Television offers less risk to such events and is more comfortable.

(Two good ideas here in one sentence, but it’s better to put them in separate sentences so they can be developed fully).

Pronoun Reference

You wrote:

Meanwhile, it is more flexible to take a break or have a chat with families rather than to excuse yourself by asking people to let you pass by in a sports stadium. More importantly, such way does not cost you a penny and appears more affordable for the general. Likewise,  although this way

What does “this way” and “such way” refer to? Be careful that pronouns and references are clear. It’s hard to keep track of pronouns in long sentences. Here's a possible rewrite:

Taking breaks at home is easier than having to ask people to let you pass by in a sports stadium. It's also easier to chat to your family in your livingroom. More importantly, television is cheaper

Layout

You chose a 4-paragraph layout with both positives and negatives in each paragraph. This is fine and easy to follow. However the change from positive to negative in paragraph 3 is not marked correctly. The word ‘likewise’ in Paragraph 3 is not used correctly.

Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Cohesion (how sentences and ideas link)

‘Latter’ andformer’

Regular visitors to this forum know that I really don’t like the words ‘latter’ and ‘former.’ They force the reader to go back to the previous sentence or even further, and then to return to the sentence to figure out which one you mean.  In your sentence, it’s better because the latter and former are still in the same sentence, but it still means stopping and thinking.  

The reader is a goldfish: don’t make the reader think.  Good writing goes forward. Make it easy for the reader – keep the ideas going forward, not backward.

Shorten/Simplify

Here’s yet another monster, this time from your conclusion:

Admittedly, I personally prefer to see live performances and matches than to watch them via television since the former enables us to be part of the event and to experience the thrilling moments while the latter does give you more freedom and save a lot of money but confine you from interacting with people . (56 words)

It’s 56 words long! Try, try, try to reduce the average sentence length to about 15 words maximum You can still have some long sentences -  say up to about 25 words – but you need to have some about 10 words or even less.

Here you are making a good effort to summarize both sides and to give your opinion. This is a lot of work for one sentence. Let’s break it up: here’s one possible rewrite:

Admittedly, I prefer to see live performances and matches and experience the thrills of the event.  Television may give you more freedom and save money but it stops you interacting with people. Maybe I will see you at a ballgame soon!  (3 sentences, 41 words, 13.4 words average sentence length)

Overall, you are what IELTS calls a 'risk-taker' - a writer who is ready to try new structures and vocabulary. Very often you will be rewarded for this, but I think if you can also try these guidelines, you will do even better:

  • Keep sentences to about 12-15 words on average
  • Add more short sentences, particularly in topic sentences (the first ones in each paragraph)
  • Check pronoun reference
  • Check that changes e.g. from positive to negative, are marked clearly

Again, thanks for this essay and I hope you post some here soon and keep helping others!

June 6, 2012
5:51 pm
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Hi Katiss

So what do you think of ChrisLuke's essay?

I have a feeling that you have an opinion! Share with us! And ChrisLuke - how would you compare the two essays?

Looking forward to the debate!

June 7, 2012
8:04 am
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Hi Mr Admin,

Thank you so much for commenting on my writingand words cannot describe how grateful am i right now.lol.i really do!!!

In response to your question regarding how long did i spend on it, i actually would say it as a "one-take" essay (i know i should not have done  it...lol) and it took me 35 mins roughly as in i typed here directly instead of writing on paper then typing....i totally agree with what you commented because i found so many "stupid mistakes" when i looked back and realized the importance of structure as well as word choice/form/usage. MORE IMPORTANTLY, the websites for readability you gave are sooooooo useful and made me feel even more motivated for writing....cuz i have a bit roll-coaster experience with IELTS and get a bit frustrated by the writing result from last attempt. i got R:9,L:9 S:8.5 BUT W:7 ,(7.5) earlier try .basically like any others , i need 4 8s for immigration requirement so the last result kinda "knocked me down" and i completely agree that it is linked to what you pointed out . apart from that, lack of practice and summary is yet another reason .  anyway, i greatly appreciate your time commenting on my writing and i will post as much as i can to accept more criticism and comments and try my best to help others in the forum.

BTW, i modify this essay with your comments and welcome you and other members to CRITICIZE it again.

[Edited: Here's a link to the revised essay by ChrisLuke921221)

June 7, 2012
8:41 am
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By the way, katisss did a great job and i would like to give my own opinions of her essay  or compare it with mine as admin said . lol

Firstly, i would say that katisss and i are what you referred to as "risk-takers" who adventure to adopt some complex words but both of us are not 100% sure of their correct usage/choice. i reckon this is one good point to share with everyone that Use the words you feel comfortable and sure of in the exam , well, i also suggest that we can "take the risk " for practice like what we are doing here and accept the difference voices then correct them.

 

Secondly, katisss and i have the common mistakes like LONG sentences and essay with Average words per sentence "20.20" . 

on top of that, i have one question for the use of "I" and "you" in the argument like IELTS except asking your opinions, personally i reckon that we should avoid using those expressions? instead, to use something like "it" or "one"am i right ? Mr Admin.

 

i just make a list of some "slips" and open to discussion :

1. paradox  noun, paradoxical adj.

2. On the other hand, watching an event on TV can be flexible, comfortable, cost effective and enable(s) more people to see the same show or event.

cost-effective ? have you spent any money on it and expect any financial return?

3. As a member of the audience you can share your enthusiasm for the sport or the music with like-minded people. For some people, watching televised events also lack the more subtle qualities, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience.

in my humble opinion, would it be better that to state the advantages in a orderly manner then followed by the disadvantages if it is intended to discuss both sides and perhaps to make a comparison . it might cause a bit confusion for the readers at times because the structure is not clear (i have this problem too....)? i am sure about this point. enlighten me , Mr Admin...!!!

4. watching an event on TV can be more convenient while watching in persons tends to be more exciting. While I do not like being in a crowds too much I can see the attraction of actually being there in person. In the end, convinced fans will probably be in the audience while for people only casually interested or too busy TV is a good alternative.

hmm, i am just wondering if it looks a bit repetitive in terms of word usage/choice ??????changing the structure???? all in all+in the end??????

June 7, 2012
10:06 pm
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There are always some differences of opinion among the public whether to spend money to watch live events or to stay at home and view it free of cost. Here I would like to enlist features favoring both views. In addition, I would like to add on, as why to encourage watching live events rather than watching broadcasted events.

           First, watching an event at the comfort of your sofa is really a thing that everyone would like to do. We can relax refresh, record, replay it as we wish. It is really a boon to the people who are not able to spend a lot of money to watch these events that are held worldwide. Thanks to the advancement in science and technology, each and every moment are captured in many different angles. Finally, people spend only negligible amount of money while watching it in television when compared to going live.

 

            It is certainly a fact the, the enthusiasm, cheerfulness that a person feels while watching a live event is incomparable. He will always cherish those moments  in his life. Besides this, he will also be able to communicate with other people. This helps in developing inter cultural &interpersonal relationships. More the number of audience more the amount the local trade will flourish. This will improve the world economy and standard of living of the people.

 

           Even though, everything can be seen  at the click of a button from home, the feeling of full fledged satisfaction could be obtained only by watching it real. Watching it live, not only benefits us, it helps the local community, in turn the world also.

June 8, 2012
8:07 am
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thanks for the comments. We are even going for the same score ;).

@chrisluke92122

I have been told to give a summary of the paragraph as first seence rather than just start writing your first argument.

Maybe worth a try, otherwise great job.

 

cost effectiveis stupid but you can't write cheap in an essay maybe free of charge.

For some people, watching televised events also lack the more subtle qualities, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience.

Should be: Live events also let us experience more subtle qualities than television, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience.

 

Some comments for madinarafi5

  • It is certainly a fact the, the enthusiasm

typo

 really a thing that

sounds a bit too informal to me

 

  • only [a] negligible amount of money

i think, or negligible amounts

  •  More the number of audience more the amount the local trade will flourish.

The more?, but the number of audience does not work anyways, lager audience or number of spectators

 

Here is my latest essay, i tried to keep it short and practise with a topic there is not much to write about. 

[Edited: essay on "When should children start school?" moved to here]

June 8, 2012
1:39 pm
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LOL, im back here again..

@katisss:  i have not seen this topic about schobefore but it looks quite related to me ...lol....

 

[Edited: essays by Katiss and ChrisLuke921221 on "When should children start school?" moved to here]

June 8, 2012
3:49 pm
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Hi Katiss

Just a few quick notes on your essay about attending live events or watching them on television. ChrisLuke has already given some comments above!

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • we are limited to watch  to the camera’s chosen view.→ we are limited to the camera’s chosen view.

Articles

  • While I do not like being in a crowds too much → While I do not like being in crowds too much  OR While I do not like being in a crowd too much
  • It seems paradox that… → It seems to be a paradox that  OR    It seems paradoxical that…     OR It is a paradox that...    OR it is paradoxical that... (ChrisLuke also spotted this -  this kind of word is going to jump out of the page at an examiner. It's got to be perfect

Thesis

You wrote:

Personally, I prefer to watch events on TV as I cannot stand large and noisy crowds.

You’ve given your opinion very clearly!

I agree with ChrisLuke about 'cost-effective' -  perhaps 'cheap' would be simpler. Why could you not use it? It's fine!  I like your rewrite of this sentence:

For some people, watching televised events also lacks the more subtle qualities, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience.

You rewrote it as

Live events also let us experience more subtle qualities than television, like the smell or the atmosphere of being in the audience.

Overall, there’s very little I would change about this essay. The ideas are clear and fully supported, the vocabulary is generally appropriate and used correctly, the majority of sentences are error free, and linking is good.  Well done.

June 8, 2012
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ChrisLuke asked if it's better to give all the advantages and then all the disadvantages. 

You can do it that way, or you can give advantage and its related disadvantage, another advantage and its related disadvantage, and so on. Both ways are fine.

I think the first way (giving all the advantages and then all the disadvantages) is a little easier. If you use the other way, you have to use longer sentences like this:

While public transport such as trams or underground trains are better for the environment, they still require huge amounts of electricity which has to be generated somewhere, often by burning coal or oil.

ChrisLuke also asked if it's ok to use "I" or"you."  Absolutely. Task 2 asks you to give examples from your experience. It's an opinion essay. Use "I," use "you," use "as far as I am concerned," use "we."  Don't say "one"

One must be responsible for oneself → We need to be responsible for ourselves

and don't use passives

It has often been observed that → I have seen

Task 2 in the Academic Track is different from Task 1. In Task 1 you are a scientist or a reporter, objectively reporting on a graph or figures or a diagram. In Task 2, you are giving your opinion. So make sure your style of writing changes between the two tasks!

June 8, 2012
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thanks katiss... I was not sure of those sentences while I was using it... Will correct it in future..

June 8, 2012
4:13 pm
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Hi Katiss and ChrisLuke

If you don't mind, I'm going to open a new topic for the two essays on starting school.

Here's the link so you can go to them easily.

June 8, 2012
5:00 pm
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Hi Madinarafi5

Thanks for this essay!  (Here's the link to it - the post is getting a bit long, so you see it in another window). And thanks Katiss for the comments on Madinarafi5's writing - it's a big help!

Intro

You wrote:

There are always some differences of opinion among the public whether to spend money to watch live events or to stay at home and view it free of cost

I would leave the first 10 words out. A lot of people doing Task 2 like to include “hotly contested” or “frequently debated” or “a controversial issue” or “matter for debate.”  The phrases are overused. You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Try to avoid using them!

You could ask a question, or you could give examples of both situations.

Here’s one possible rewrite, describing yourself:

I go to football matches most weekends. But I also enjoy watching games on television.

Here’s a (very long - 41 words!) possible rewrite:

Why would anyone want to pay 50 or 100 dollars to queue, stand in the rain or cold, be overcharged  for food or drink, and be pushed by thousands of other people  just to hear a singer or watch a game?

 Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • Here I would like to enlist features favoring both views. → Here I would like to list features favoring both views.
  • In addition, I would like to add on, as why to encourage watching live events rather than watching broadcasted events. → I would like to explain why I prefer live events.
  • each and every moment are captured in many different angles → every moment is captured in many different angles OR each moment is captured in many different angles
  • More the number of audience more the amount the local trade will flourish → The bigger the audience, the more local trade will flourish
  • satisfaction could be obtained only by watching it real. → satisfaction could be obtained only by watching it live  OR satisfaction could be obtained only by watching it in reality

Specify

You wrote:

Here I would like to list features favoring both views.

This sentence could be used in a million essays. Try to make every sentence related to the topic.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Here I will describe some of the benefits of attending live events and watching them on television.

Shorten/Simplify/Specify

You wrote:

Thanks to the advancement in science and technology, each and every moment are captured in many different angles.

The first part is a bit general.

Thanks to modern filming and photography, every moment is captured in many different angles.

Punctuation: Commas

  • It is certainly a fact the, the enthusiasm, cheerfulness → It is certainly a fact that the enthusiasm and  cheerfulness
  • Even though, everything can be seen  at the click of a button → Even though everything can be seen  at the click of a button
  • Watching it live, not only benefits us, it helps the local community, in turn the world also.→ Watching live events benefits not only us, but the local community and the world also.

In general, if you are not sure about commas, the best thing to do is leave them out.

Ideas

You wrote:

This will improve the world economy and standard of living of the people.

This idea is true, but it’s a bit general – do people go to football matches or Lady Gaga concerts with the intention of developing the world economy?

Articles

  • people spend only negligible amount of money → people spend only a negligible amount of money
  • This will improve the world economy and standard of living of the people. → and the living standards

And

If you have two items you have to use “and” between them, not a comma. If you have three or more items, you have to use “and” before the last one.

  • We can relax refresh, record, replay it as we wish → We can relax refresh, record, and replay it as we wish
  • It is certainly a fact that the enthusiasm, cheerfulness that a person feels …→ It is certainly a fact that the enthusiasm and cheerfulness that a person feels…

Overall, this is an improvement on your earlier essay. One thing I would suggest is to use fewer phrases like “Besides this,” “moreover,” “although,” “even though,” “it is certainly a fact” and so on. Just write your sentence!  You don’t have to introduce each one!

June 8, 2012
5:17 pm
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BTW, i modify this essay with your comments and welcome you and other members to CRITICIZE it again!  (Here's a link to the original post, from the top of this page)

 

Some people choose to take part in live concerts and sports event while others feel more comfortable with watching televised events at home. In this essay, I would like to analyze both and give my personal thoughts.

More people attend live events nowadays as standards of living have improved and they have more money. Live events are a fuller sensory experience. People feel part of the event, particularly for adrenalin-pumping sports such as football or basketball. Moreover, people can make new friends at concerts or matches. No one has ever made friends by watching television alone at home. Nevertheless, it cannot be denied that the safety issue is one of downsides for such events, because the live game can put the spectators’ lives at risk if it is not well organized. For instance, attending sports events can mean getting caught up in fights between fans.

Television offers less risk to such events and is more comfortable. Firstly, there are plenty of choices available for your preferred events regardless of live or recorded ones while slouching on the sofa and eating snacks at home. Secondly, taking breaks at home is easier than having to ask people to let you pass by in a sports stadium. It is also easier to chat to your family in your living room. More importantly, television is cheaper and is more affordable for the general public. However, people would not be able to feel the atmosphere of exciting events and enthusiasm from the spectators.

Although both sides of this discussion contain indisputable virtues, I personally prefer to see live performance and matches and experience the thrills of the event. Television may give you more freedom and save money but it stops you interacting with people.

June 8, 2012
5:35 pm
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Hi ChrisLuke921221

Thanks for taking the time to revise your essay! It’s a great exercise to do – it really makes you think about your writing.

In your intro, I would try to make the thesis sentence more specific to this essay. At the moment you could use this in a million essays. You can read more about Thesis sentences here.

You wrote:

In this essay, I would like to analyze both and give my personal thoughts.

 Here’s one possible rewrite, giving your opinion:

In this essay, I would like to analyze both and explain why I prefer live events.

I would change one or two small things

You wrote:

Firstly, there are plenty of choices available for your preferred events regardless of live or recorded ones while slouching on the sofa and eating snacks at home. (27 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Firstly, while slouching on the sofa and eating snacks, you have plenty of choices of events. (16 words)

Tone

'Indisputable' is correct, but it’s very formal. It doesn’t really fit in the same essay as “slouching and eating snacks.” Nothing is lost if you leave out this entire phrase

Although both sides of this discussion contain indisputable virtues,

The same goes for “it cannot be denied.” It’s very formal. The tone of the essay fluctuates between formal and informal. Both tones are fine, but it’s  important to stay in one throughout the essay.

Again, thanks for rewriting! 

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