Hi ChrisLuke921221

Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix! You sound very enthusiastic! Thanks for commenting on some other essays - people really appreciate it. You are a talented writer.

Word Count

Your essay is a little long at 420 words. How long did it take you to write it?  Remember, you have to write by hand and you only have 30 or 35 minutes for Task 2 after you allow 5 minutes for planning. Great if you can do it, but a lot of candidates for the IELTS exam lose marks by writing too much. Really!

There’s no penalty for writing more than 250, but they lose marks by having to hurry, by making more mistakes, and by going off-topic. The topics have been tested and are designed to be answered in about 245 to 350 words.  We don’t have to write down all we know about the topic – just enough!

Another point is that the average sentence length is very long at 28 words. I recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader.  Aim for a mix of sentences - long and short, simple, complex and compound.

You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page-  this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.

Introduction

Your intro could go straight to the point by dropping your first sentence. I like the rest of your intro and the thesis sentence -  nice and clear.

Shorten/Simplify

A lot of your sentences could be much shorter.

You wrote a 34-word monster:

It is apparent to see the growing number of people engaged in live events nowadays as the standard of living has greatly ameliorated and they have a far greater purchase power than ever before.  (34 words).

Here are two possible rewrites:

 More people attend live events nowadays as standards of living have improved and they have more money. (17 words)                   OR

As standards of living rise, more people can attend music and sports events.  (13 words)

Here’s a 44-word monster…

As is known to us that participating in live events can give us a sensory experience and makes people feel like they are part of such event and thereby get more excited, in particular seeing the adrenaline pumping activities such as football and basketball.

Let’s break it up:

Live events are a fuller sensory experience. People feel part of the event, particularly for adrenalin-pumping sports such as football or basketball. (20 words, 2 sentences, average sentence length 10 words)

Here’s yet another:

Moreover, people can make new friends and expand their interpersonal relationships, which potentially can boost their confidence and broaden the horizon in terms of knowledge and experience.

What horizon? Here’s one possible rewrite:

Moreover, people can make new friends at concerts or matches. No one has ever made friends by watching television alone at home.

Punctuation: Fragments

This is a fragment -  an incomplete sentence:

For instance, the alterations and physical confrontations between the zealous fans.

It’s easy to fix – join it to the previous or following  sentence, or add more info.

For instance, attending sports events can mean getting caught up in fights between fans.

Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices. 

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• alterations and physical confrontations → altercations
• there is a plenty of choices  → there are plenty of choices
• Television appears less exposure to such incidents and more comfortable as opposed to live events . → Television offers less risk to such events and is more comfortable.

(Two good ideas here in one sentence, but it’s better to put them in separate sentences so they can be developed fully).

Pronoun Reference

You wrote:

Meanwhile, it is more flexible to take a break or have a chat with families rather than to excuse yourself by asking people to let you pass by in a sports stadium. More importantly, such way does not cost you a penny and appears more affordable for the general. Likewise,  although this way

What does “this way” and “such way” refer to? Be careful that pronouns and references are clear. It’s hard to keep track of pronouns in long sentences. Here's a possible rewrite:

Taking breaks at home is easier than having to ask people to let you pass by in a sports stadium. It's also easier to chat to your family in your livingroom. More importantly, television is cheaper

Layout

You chose a 4-paragraph layout with both positives and negatives in each paragraph. This is fine and easy to follow. However the change from positive to negative in paragraph 3 is not marked correctly. The word ‘likewise’ in Paragraph 3 is not used correctly.

Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Cohesion (how sentences and ideas link)

‘Latter’ and ‘former’

Regular visitors to this forum know that I really don’t like the words ‘latter’ and ‘former.’ They force the reader to go back to the previous sentence or even further, and then to return to the sentence to figure out which one you mean.  In your sentence, it’s better because the latter and former are still in the same sentence, but it still means stopping and thinking.  

The reader is a goldfish: don’t make the reader think.  Good writing goes forward. Make it easy for the reader – keep the ideas going forward, not backward.

Shorten/Simplify

Here’s yet another monster, this time from your conclusion:

Admittedly, I personally prefer to see live performances and matches than to watch them via television since the former enables us to be part of the event and to experience the thrilling moments while the latter does give you more freedom and save a lot of money but confine you from interacting with people . (56 words)

It’s 56 words long! Try, try, try to reduce the average sentence length to about 15 words maximum You can still have some long sentences -  say up to about 25 words – but you need to have some about 10 words or even less.

Here you are making a good effort to summarize both sides and to give your opinion. This is a lot of work for one sentence. Let’s break it up: here’s one possible rewrite:

Admittedly, I prefer to see live performances and matches and experience the thrills of the event.  Television may give you more freedom and save money but it stops you interacting with people. Maybe I will see you at a ballgame soon!  (3 sentences, 41 words, 13.4 words average sentence length)

Overall, you are what IELTS calls a 'risk-taker' - a writer who is ready to try new structures and vocabulary. Very often you will be rewarded for this, but I think if you can also try these guidelines, you will do even better:

• Keep sentences to about 12-15 words on average
• Add more short sentences, particularly in topic sentences (the first ones in each paragraph)
• Check pronoun reference
• Check that changes e.g. from positive to negative, are marked clearly

Again, thanks for this essay and I hope you post some here soon and keep helping others!

ChrisLuke asked if it's better to give all the advantages and then all the disadvantages. 

You can do it that way, or you can give advantage and its related disadvantage, another advantage and its related disadvantage, and so on. Both ways are fine.

I think the first way (giving all the advantages and then all the disadvantages) is a little easier. If you use the other way, you have to use longer sentences like this:

While public transport such as trams or underground trains are better for the environment, they still require huge amounts of electricity which has to be generated somewhere, often by burning coal or oil.

ChrisLuke also asked if it's ok to use "I" or"you."  Absolutely. Task 2 asks you to give examples from your experience. It's an opinion essay. Use "I," use "you," use "as far as I am concerned," use "we."  Don't say "one"

One must be responsible for oneself → We need to be responsible for ourselves

and don't use passives

It has often been observed that → I have seen

Task 2 in the Academic Track is different from Task 1. In Task 1 you are a scientist or a reporter, objectively reporting on a graph or figures or a diagram. In Task 2, you are giving your opinion. So make sure your style of writing changes between the two tasks!

Hi Katiss and ChrisLuke

If you don't mind, I'm going to open a new topic for the two essays on starting school.

Here's the link so you can go to them easily.