Hi Brian and thanks for this essay. Thanks also to Ramesh for the comments.
Ramesh wrote that your introduction was ‘up to the point’ and that you thesis statement was ‘direct and clear’
Yes, your intro is ‘up to the point’, if that means short. However it uses many of the same words as the question. There is a big chance that the first sentence will be excluded from your word count, which would bring your essay below 250 words.
Your thesis statement could also be much more helpful. At present it could be used in a million essays. Try to make every sentence relevant or specific to the topic. You wrote:
There is a view that teenagers should be engaged in unpaid jobs in a community. I completely disagree with this idea. Below are some reasons to support my view.
You really need some more relevant background or information here. One thing you can do in the introduction is to describe the current situation. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Many young people do amazing work in their communities. They clean up waste, visit hospitals, run clubs and societies, and raise money for the less well off. But some people suggest that such activities should be compulsory. In this essay, I will give educational and practical reasons why I completely disagree with forcing young people to do community service. (59 words, 14.7 words per sentence).
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- It is very likely to see that they won’t welcome involving in free-paid jobs. → It is very unlikely that they will welcome unpaid work.
- this view is against of values of a free society. → this view is against the values of a free society.
- Young people should be free to choose what type of activities they tend to do. → Young people should be free to choose the type of activities they want.
If they were obliged to take part in unpaid jobs, they would feel losing their youth time. And this would cause some psychological problems in their future life.
Don’t start sentences with ‘And.’
If young people were obliged to work for free, they might feel as if they were losing their youth, and this might cause some psychological problems later. (27 words)
If young people were forced to work for free, they might feel resentful or oppressed. This could result in psychological problems. (21 words, two sentences, 11.5 words per sentence).
Then it seems that they need to take rest in their idle time when preparing to start a new season.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
After the pressure of exams, students need a break before the next semester/term.
(‘Idle’ is a negative word. Proponents of community service would like to stamp out teenage idleness, indolence, sloth, apathy, lethargy, inertia and general inactivity.)
In such a society people regardless of age are free to take part in certain jobs especially when there is no money to pay. Even if those people are obliged to carry out those tasks, because of lack of interesting they will not complete their duties properly. This may bring teenagers into conflict with people working with them. (58 words)
I think I understand it but I’m not sure. Ramesh also had a problem understanding this. Is this what you mean?
Another point is that when people are forced to do something, they often don’t do it very well. This might lead to conflict with volunteers who are genuinely interested in the work. (32 words)