Hi Nick and thanks for this essay
On the one hand, people believe that politicians are the greatest impact on the world. On the other hand, insist that scientist’s affecting is the foremost on the current world. Following are my different views between politicians and scientists.
Your intro is a little too similar to the question. An IELTS examiner may penalize you by not including these sentences in the word count.
One thing you can do is use synonyms (instead of politicians, use “political figures” or “leaders” or “dictators, prime ministers, heads of government”). Another strategy is to change the tense. A third approach is to change statements into questions (or vice versa):
Who has had the biggest impact on our world? Has it been political figures, such as the presidents, prime ministers and other leaders who have led us into war and peace? Or has it been the scientists who have saved millions of lives, or invented weapons that could destroy the planet?
Your thesis sentence is a little weak. Why not give your opinion and say what you are going to do?
Following are my different views between politicians and scientists.
Here's a rewrite:
In this essay, I will explain why it is impossible to decide which group has had the bigger impact
Number of Ideas
You have two ideas in your second and third paragraphs. I think three is a magic number. Think of the standard seven-sentence paragraph:
- The topic sentence
- Idea 1
- Idea 1 example or more information
- Idea 2
- Idea 3 example or more information
- Idea 3
- Idea 3 example or more information
Obama, Bush, Regan all are the most remarkable role on the world. ==> Politicians such as Obama, Bush, and Reagan have a most remarkable role on the world stage.
Besides, they assist people to achieve their goal, hence argument economy. ==> Besides, they help their citizens to become more prosperous and therefore improve the economy
His way of thinking and products, Apple, has inspired the human race in electrically research, mentally, and also physically ==> His way of thinking and his products, such as the Apple computer, the iPod and the iPhone, have inspired us and revolutionized computing, communication, and entertainment.
Finally, I strongly believe that politicians and scientists both are important on our present world. ==> Finally, I strongly believe that politicians and scientists both are important in our world.
Technology and discipline is dispensable in a development city ==> Scientific technology and leadership are both indispensable in a developed society.
Keep Sentences Short!
Addressing global problems and promoting urbanization cannot be expanded without scientists, such as infrastructure and the pace of life, these ideas should progress through the technology explosion.
That’s 27 words - it’s a bit too long, and has some parts which could be left out:
Global problems cannot be addressed without scientists. Advances in technology and our improved lifestyles have all come about through the work of scientists. (23 words, average 11.5 word per sentence)
Be careful not to join separate sentences with a comma
Secondly, politicians can ask the government to create more job opportunity for unemployed workers, because of this, people believe that politicians outweigh scientists.
Here’s a rewrite:
Secondly, politicians can create job opportunities for unemployed workers. This increases their popularity, whereas scientists are largely unknown and unrecognized.
Even so , in terms of scientists, as they discover numerous natural resources, people could have them to enhance life of effective, such as computer, the Internet.
Here’s a rewrite
As scientists discover natural resources and develop new technologies, people’s lives are enhanced.