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Should governments pay for our health care and education, or are they our own responsibility?
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July 17, 2012
1:29 am
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Currently, an increasing number of people concerned about the health care and education. Some people state that government should pay for that; others think that it is not the responsibility of the government. I mainly agree the former for the following reasons.

It is obvious that health care service is a part of the social welfare system which can enhance the citizen’s satisfactions. If the government can provide financial to the hospitals, people, especially from lower income families, no need to worry about the illness, can more concentrate on their jobs, thus leading to a higher productivities. Therefore, it is valued to invest money on health care service.

Besides, education can help to improve the productivities of the society. For example, online shopping which is supported by the information technology, changes people’s living way which is more efficient than before. How can we acquire the related knowledge? The answer is by education. People gain the necessary knowledge from schooling can contribute back to the society. It is worth to pay for that.

On the other hand, it’s also true that citizens should able to build schools and hospitals to meet people’s need. Schools and hospitals managed by individual companies can help to release the economic burden on government. Moreover, the competitions between companies improve the education quality and the health care service. But it would cause unfair competitions for the whole society if lack of government’s guidance..

In sum, it is the government’s responsibility to provide financial aid on health care and education. Meanwhile, we should encourage the individual companies to run business in these two area with the guidance from government.

July 17, 2012
1:32 am
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Throw those templates which I am not familiar with. Is it better? All in simple words, how to improve to get a better score in the exam?

Anyone can help? Thanks.

July 18, 2012
3:44 pm
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writefix
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Hi Christyzhongs

Overall, this essay is much easier to read than your other one on helping poor countries. There is less padding and it gets straight to the point.

Your introduction is fine, but you could make it a little more specific.  Avoid sentences which could be used in a million essays (this sentence also forces the reader to go back):

I mainly agree the former for the following reasons.

You could use a “one-place vs. another place” intro:

In countries such as A and B, health care and education are completely free. In others, however, such as X, Y or Z, people have to pay for school and even for basic health care. There are many social, political, and economic reasons for these different approaches. In this essay I will say why I believe governments have a responsibility to provide free health care and education for all their citizens.

You can read more about Introductions here - past/present, one place/another place, situation, etc.

I am happy with the content overall. Each paragraph has a clear topic (perhaps Paragraph 4 could be clearer at the start -  the idea of citizens building hospitals is strange), and  your conclusion summarizes your main points.

If I get some time I will try to comment on some of the word choice and usage errors in the next day or so. Perhaps others could help!

July 19, 2012
12:37 am
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Hi, Writefix, thanks for your suggestions on the introduction. I read that different ways of starting, giving example seems vivid.  BTW, I also like the simple start in Intro4.

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