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You need a thesis sentence which says what you are going to do. You also need to make the introduction more different from the question prompt. Parts of it are too similar. You can also eliminate some unnecessary words. 'Big' and 'important' mean the same thing here. Leave out the words 'hold another idea' - instead, tell us what the idea is.
Some people believe that they can learn better and easier without the help of teacher while others hold another idea and they consider the role of teacher as a big and important role in learning.
Can we learn without the help of a teacher? Or is the teacher's role critical? In this essay, I will explain why I think the best learning comes from using a range of materials in combination with a teacher.
they eliminate the traditional way of learning which is going to school and get helps from teacher. → and getting help from a teacher
- get helps from teacher → get help from a teacher
- I prefer to make use of teacher → I prefer to make use of teacher OR I prefer to make use of a teacher
- the student can start to learn when he or she has a free time → the student can start to learn when he or she has free time
On the other hand, going to class and usage of teacher has its own profit, which we can not ignore it. → which we cannot ignore.
Shorten and simplify: Remove tired old phrases
This sentence has 39 words. It's too long. The first part of the sentence says nothing. Where's the beef? Where's the content?
By comparing above-mentioned notes and considering all positive and negative sides, I prefer to make use of teacher while I can not deny the importance of learning by myself because it can help me to learn easier and faster. ==>
While it's important to study by myself, I prefer to make use of a teacher because it can help me to learn more easily and quickly
Don't start sentences with 'Although,' 'So,' 'Because,' 'And,' 'For,' 'Yet,' 'Though,'or 'Even though'.
Although the self –study books are designed to teach new lessons but they can not fill the empty space of teacher.
If you do use 'although', don't use 'but' in the same sentence:
Self-study books are useful, but they cannot fill the empty space of the teacher OR
Although self-study books are useful, they cannot fill the empty space of the teacher.
Organization and Ideas
You need to have more ideas and examples. The IELTS prompt asks you to give examples. In Paragraph 3 you only have 1 idea, or maybe even less than that. In Paragraph 2 you only have two ideas.
Spend the first 5-10 minutes of the 40 minutes you have for Task 2 in brainstorming. Underline key words, think of related words, and don't start writing until you have 6 ideas - 3 for and 3 against. Otherwise it's like starting a car journey without petrol in your tank - you are going to run out of fuel half way through.
One idea per sentence
For example the student can start to learn when he or she has a free time or when is in his or her peak emotional state which is very important for learning, therefore he or she should not stand the boring classes.
There are two ideas in this sentence. It's too long and there is a problem with the comma. The easiest solution is to divide it into two sentences:
For example, students can start to learn when they have free time or when they are their peak emotional state which is very important for learning. This is better than having to attend boring classes at fixed times.
The most important point, Pedram, is ideas. You need more. There's nothing wrong with the ones you have - but you need more.