Thanks for this essay, and a big thanks to ChrisLuke for his comments!
I wrote my comments before reading ChrisLuke's comments, and was amazed to find that he has identified almost everything I found!
Of course it helps that there are very few problems with Shieiuan's essay. The layout is good, and the writing is generally easy to follow and sentences well-linked. Only a few puzzling things stand out. So please forgive me if I just repeat ChrisLuke most of the time!
The one thing that ChrisLuke didn't spot is word count. Your essay is 234 words long which is a little short. Remember that minimum of 250 words, and remember that the examiners will count very carefully, especially if it looks short. There’s no need to throw away bands after all your hard work.
Your average sentence length is 21.27. I’d really recommend:
- adding some short sentences (4-10 words)
- breaking up long sentences
- aiming for one idea per sentence
- watching out for long rambling sentences and seeing if you can rewrite more simply
these skills could be trained in schools by group discussion, seminars
Make sure lists have an ‘and’ or ‘or’ between the last two items. Aim for three examples.
These skills could be trained in schools by group discussion, seminars and role plays.
- which would help these to adapt to the real world quickly when students complete their studies. → which would help students to adapt to the real world quickly when they complete their studies.
You wrote a 36-word monster:
However, some people argue that people in their early twenties are tend to unknown what they want to do in the future; therefore, they should be given more time to explore by providing more useful curriculum.
This could be broken into two sentences and shortened. Here’s one possible rewrite:
However, people in their early twenties tend not to know what they want to do in the future. It’s important, therefore, to give them time to explore and a broader curriculum. (31 words, 2 sentences, average 15.5)
In brief, universities should provide practical skills for students to fully prepare themselves before entering the workplace, meanwhile offering more useful curriculum for them to take. (26 words)
Let’s break up this long sentence:
In brief, universities should provide practical skills to prepare students before entering the workplace, while also offering a more interesting curriculum. (21 words) OR
In brief, universities should provide practical skills for students to prepare fully themselves before entering the workplace. However they should also a variety of other interesting and thought-provoking options. (30 words, two sentences, average 15 wps).
Shorten /Simplify: Passives
Let’s remove a passive from this sentence. You can also often remove “there is” or “there are:”
There is not only requirement subject that students should take but also more elective ones to encourage them to be taken part in.
Here are some possible rewrites:
While some subjects may be required, others should be optional. (10 words) OR
Students should be encouraged to take some optional subjects as well as core ones. (14 words) OR
There should be a mix of required and optional courses . (10 words)
Try to avoid double negatives. You wrote:
It is not uncommon to think that...
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Many people think that OR
It is commonly believed that OR
Most people agree OR
Most people would agree that
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- schools should offer the courses in academic purpose only → schools should offer only academic courses OR schools should offer courses for academic purposes only
- it could stimulate students to expend to interests.→ it could stimulate students to expand their interests.
- Most employers believe that these skills could be trained in schools → Most employers believe that these skills could be taught in schools
- others believe that students should equip with necessary skills which trained in school to meet job market needs →
others believe that students should be equipped with skills for the job market OR
others believe that students should be equipped with skills needed for the job market
- it should be a more balance way → it should be more balanced.
This essay will outline both two functions of a school with supporting statements.
This is fine, but would be better if it was even more specific, wth your opinion. Here’s one possible rewrite:
This essay will outline both functions of a school and explain why I think a balance is essential.
Thanks again both of you. Really good work!