Hello Baljinder and welcome to Writefix

A big thanks to Alison32559905 for her comments.

As Alison notes your introduction is a little long, at 71 words. It’s longer than one of your body paragraphs. You need to get straight to the point and to avoid empty padding.

You wrote:

To see whether this practice gives rises to greater concerns or offers more upsides, we have to look at both sides of the debate.(24 words)

This sentence is very nice, but could be used in a million essays. Try to make every sentence relevant to the topic. It’s also a just little too much when you only have 250 words – it’s not an term paper or a report! Here’s one possible rewrite which is more specific to the essay and also helps the reader to know what is coming in your essay:

This essay will give some reasons why teacher or parental advice can help students,  but warn against forcing young people into particular careers. (23 words)

This sentence could  also be used in a million essays, with a tiny change

To conclude, it is evident from the above discussion that the decision related to X can beget some valid concerns.

This wordy sentence is very pretty, but it’s a missed opportunity to give more ideas and examples.  At best, an examiner reading it is going to yawn and wonder when the writer is going to get to the point. At worst, chunks of standardized text will be subtracted from the word count.

This sentence could also  be used in a million essays

There are, however, some arguments against the above mention view.→  above-mentioned

Make your sentences specific to the topic. Keep going forward: Don’t use above-mentioned, or aforementioned, or anything that makes the reader have to go back and think. The reader is a goldfish, and the writer’s job is to keep the writing going forward. Here’s a more relevant rewrite:

There are, however, several reasons why advice from teachers or parents is not always helpful.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Not only do they have deluge knowledge → extensive/broad/deep etc
• many face difficulties to cope up with that. → many face difficulties to cope with that.
• this can have a far reaching impact on a child mental  growth → this can have a far-reaching impact on a child’s mental growth

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

One of the most conspicuous aspects of going on the path which teachers and parents choose is that they are experienced and mature. (23 words)

Let’s shorten it. Quickly.

One reason for allowing teachers and parents to help young people with career decisions is that they are experienced and mature. (16 words)  OR

Teachers and parents can provide experience and maturity in advice on career choices.  (13 words)

You wrote:

they also offer didactic values to confront the challenges in the life.

‘Offer didactic values’ just means they teach. The sentence sounds nice, but doesn’t actually mean much.

 Specify: Avoid Generalizations

Also, teenagers always inclined toward attractive things in this vulnerable stage

What are ‘attractive things’? Flowers? Ming dynasty vases? 16^th century Persian miniatures? Swarovski  crystals? This example is not supported clearly. The phrase ‘as a result’ in the next sentence does not explain it.  Avoid words like ‘thing’ and ‘way.’  

Ideas

In Paragraph Three, you wrote:

Therefore, it is apparent why many are in favour of young adults to decide career on their own.

No, it isn’t apparent at all, and saying it is doesn’t make it so.

You only have one idea in your third paragraph. To flesh out the third paragraph, you’ve added the sentence above, which again is very nice, but adds nothing to your ideas. Where are your ideas? In Paragraph Two, you have an excellent example of advice from teachers and how it influenced you. In your third paragraph, however almost nothing!

Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response. Look at Band 4 (yes, Band 4) where it says “presents some main ideas, but these are limited and not sufficiently developed.” 

Overall...

Baljiunder, you need more ideas and you have to develop them fully, instead of having many empty sentences.  Your writing ability is not in doubt, but you have to meet the demands of the IELTS format. 

Let’s look at Band 8, under Task Response: “presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas.”  This is what you should be aiming at. Have three ideas for each side of your argument. Avoid tired phrases and empty circumlocutions.

You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Avoid using these phrases, and instead give more ideas and examples from your own experience, just as the IELTS question asks.

Hi Alison and a big congratulations on getting into your new university!  Well done!

Some say young people should choose the career they want to follow on their own. Others say that the choice should be made by teachers and parents. What do you think?

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Living and working in the society for a longer time, doubtlessly, the parents and teachers have much more knowledge about the society. 
    
  Living and working in the society for a longer time, the parents and teachers undoubtedly have much more knowledge about the society.

It’s better to have ‘undoubtedly’ as near the verb as possible. In this sentence, it also helps that it moves the subject of the sentence (‘the parents’) to near the modifying clause.

• Don't you mean ‘employers' here? 

They know what careers are promising and in need by the employees. → They know what careers are promising or in demand by employers.

• the younger generation’s will conflicts with the seniority’s.→ the younger generation’s will conflicts with the older   OR    the younger generation’s will conflicts with the older generation’s.

You wrote:

No one will understand a man’s desire more than this man himself.

I’m being politically correct here. Why a man? Maybe this possible rewrite might work:

No one knows your desires better than yourself.

• it is their live not their parents or teachers → it is their life, not their parents’ or teachers’.

Poetry in IELTS: Word Order

You wrote:

However, never will the youngsters be happy if they do not like their jobs.

I’d stick with a more standard word order:

However, youngsters will never be happy if they do not like their jobs.

Tone

In your third paragraph you wrote:

It is just hard for me to be active in the work I hate.

I think everyone will understand what you mean, but it’s not very well supported. It’s more of a spoken phrase as well. Perhaps this might be better:

For me, it would be very difficult to do [a good job in] work I disliked.