Thanks for this essay. The biggest problem it has (apart from some word choice e.g. 'sinners' for 'criminals') is the change in opinion.
Your paragraph organization is clear - your first body paragraph is in favour of alternative ways of serving time in prison, and your second body paragraph is opposed. However, the change is not smooth.
You need to move smoothly from one paragraph or idea to another. You used “On the other hand” but this sentence
Firstly, it is important to lock those criminals in jail.
…is too sudden. Nothing in paragraph 1 got us ready for this switch. Which criminals? All, or only those criminals who have committed serious crimes?
The next sentence
The reason why I insist on my position is that criminals are the biggest problems in the society such as killing people, sexual abuse and stealing cases.
This is very strong. There’s no problem with your opinion – you are required to give your opinion! - but you have to flow from one paragraph to another. You also need to avoid generalizations. What about people in jail for avoiding tax, traffic violations, fraud or political crimes?
What about a topic sentence like this for the first body paragraph?
For some groups of prisoners with less serious crimes, community service can be useful.
I know you put your in the introduction, but what is the point of your first body paragraph? Is community service a possible option?
- Criminal problems are always having a huge effect on society → Criminal problems have a huge effect on society
- Sinner→ convicted criminal/prisoners/offenders/inmates
- Criminals should do some service that can reduce some guilty from them → Criminals should do some service that can reduce their guilt or repay their debt to society.
- These prisoners could build some green-houses for the needy → These prisoners could build some accommodation/housing/shelter for the needy
- wiping the environment is another way to enhance and better our community → cleaning the environment is another way to enhance our community
- Criminals are the biggest problems in the society such as killing people, sexual abuse and stealing cases →
Murderers, rapists and thieves cause huge problems in society OR
Criminals such as murderers and rapists are too dangerous to be freed. OR
Some crimes, such as murder or rape, are too serious. People found guilty of these crimes should not be allowed to do community service.
One idea per sentence
There are three parts to this 35-word monster sentence:
It is true that sinner ought to be judged to stay in prison, but prisoners are human beings as well so that the government can provide some system or make laws to release their punishment.
- Sinners (?) should stay in prison
- Prisoners are human
- The government should have different ways to deal with prisoners.
Keep sentences short, and try not to have many ideas in one sentence. Let’s separate and rewrite:
Most people agree that criminals should have to go to prison. However, prisoners are human too. They should have opportunities to learn and eventually return to society. Governments should provide systems that allow convicts to reform and serve society. (37 words, four sentences)