Hi Vickyqiu310 and welcome to Writefix

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Due to rapid changing of globle economy → Due to the rapid changing of the global economy OR Due to rapid changes in the global economy  OR Today
• People around the world enjoy exploring diverse culture and traditions differently
• However, culture dynamic may not always be attractive to all international tourists. → However, the cultural dynamic of a particular country may not always be attractive to all international tourists.  OR However, the culture of a particular destination may not always be attractive to all international tourists.
• Whilst  →   while. Nobody uses ‘whilst’ anymore.

Ideas/Coherence and Cohesion

The word ‘also’ in this sentence…

Communication is also the fundamental step to appreciate other culture and traditions.

…tells the reader that this is a new idea, but there is no support for it. How is communication fundamental? Should this be part of the previous idea about language or the following idea about getting involved with local people?

Shorten/Simplify

There are two verbs in this sentence:

I think there are two main reasons can explain for that

You can often leave out ‘there is’ or ‘there are.’ Here are two possible rewrites:

I think there are two main reasons for that   OR I think two main reasons can explain that

Punctuation

Use simpler sentences to avoid mistakes with punctuation.

Those who are keen on exploring different culture, may develop deeper understanding → Those who are keen on exploring different culture may develop deeper understanding

Never separate the subject (“those”) and its verb (“may develop”). There’s another unnecessary comma here (and a repeated subject):

Those travellers who go to foreign countires on business trips, they may… 

Let’s simplify it. The simpler the sentence, the fewer mistakes.

Travellers who go to foreign countries on business trips may…

You wrote a fragment:

While others may just want to have a simple relaxing holiday and just enjoy different view

You have to join this to the previous sentence or following sentence, or you have to delete the word ‘while.’ More about Fragments here.

Overall, your essay is fine. I hope you can help some of the many new people here by commenting on their essays. Let's help each other to get a great IELTS score!