Thanks for your kind comments and thanks for this essay.
Shieiuan has already done a great job in spotting some things that could be changed. For example, I agree with her about ‘trend’ instead of ‘tradition’ but she also spotted some other issues. Well done!
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Quite cherishable → cherishable.
(Something is either cherishable or it’s not, like pregnant. But it would be better to say “important” or “precious.” I was surprised to find very few definitions for 'cherishable,' and Microsoft’s spellchecker doesn’t like it!)
- People today prefer doing this just for pride and spend money in vain. → People today prefer doing this just for pride and to spend money in vain.
- This lavish behavior by the hosts can even worsen their good financial status and leave them in debt. → (Only something bad can be worsened. ) Here’s one possible rewrite:
This lavish behavior by the hosts can leave them in debt.
There are innumerable ceremonies done
Here’s one possible rewrite:
There are innumberable ceremonies OR Innumerable ceremonies are carried out/take place
- These occasions gives people time → These occasions give people time
- Moreover, these occasions gives people time to relax, catch up with their friends. It also helps to develop intercultural relationship. →
Moreover, these occasions give people time to relax and catch up with their friends. They also help to develop intercultural relationships.
Though it is an ancient tradition to arrange these celebrations the aim of doing it has changed
What do the words ‘it’ refer to? Here’s one possible rewrite:
These celebrations are ancient, but the reason for doing them has changed.
You have three or four problems in the essay with lists.
Celebrating birthday parties, anniversaries and so on
This is what you hear people say, but in writing it’s better to avoid such laziness! Try to have THREE examples (three is a magic number!) , and try to avoid using ‘and so on’ or ‘etc’ in your writing. Even writing ‘and other social events’ is better, even though it means the same thing!
Here’s another list which needs three examples . You wrote:
No one would really forget a birthday party spends with their friends, a wedding anniversary enjoyed with relative and the list goes on endless.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
No one can forget birthday parties with friends, wedding anniversaries with your family and of course your own wedding with your wonderful partner. The list of important celebrations goes on endlessly. /The list of happy occasions to celebrate is endless.
Here’s another “and so on”:
There are innumerable ceremonies done, for example they arrange parties events like piercing the ears, shaving the hair for the first time buying or building a new house and so on.
Here’s one possible rewrite without the dreaded “and so on”:
In India, there are innumerable ceremonies and celebrations to mark events such as getting ear piercing, shaving for the first time, and buying or building a new house.
Here’s yet another list, this time with only two examples:
Moreover, these occasions gives people time to relax, catch up with their friends
You need to put ‘and ‘ or ‘or’ before the last item in the list. Here’s one possible rewrite:
These occasions give people time to relax and catch up with their friends
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Celebrating birthday parties and anniversaries…in an extraordinary manner → lavishly, flamboyantly, ostentatiously, with no expense spared
- It has incorporated deeply into our lives → It has become part of our lives. (But I really like Shieiuan’s decision to remove it completely – it’s repetition of the word ‘trend’ you used in the previous sentence.)
- Meanwhile, these occasions also tend to bring people together in this occupied world. → in this busy world. OR in our preoccupied world
We are in a situation to follow on the same trend irrespective of our financial status.
I’m not quite clear about this. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Many people spend more than they can afford on these events
This sentence could be in a million essays:
I would also like to add on with consequences and solutions for this.
Make every sentence specific or related to the topic. The sentence also has some errors, so it’s far better to change it. Here’s one possible rewrite:
In this essay, I would like to explain why these events play a vital role in our life, but also ask if we should spend so much on these events
Pronouns: ‘One’ is Dead
It’s an opinion essay. Don’t be afraid to see “I” or “our” or “we” Do be afraid to say “one” - only the Queen uses “one” nowadays. Bury it, forget it ever existed, remove it from your toolbox.
They are obviously cherisable moments in ones life.In my countryIndia, There are innumerable ceremonies done
The word ‘quite’ should be used very sparingly. Say what you want to say or find a better word!
Paragraph Three (the second body paragraph) looks shorter than the paragraph two, and it IS shorter, in terms of ideas as well as appearance. Make sure the two parts of your essay are balanced. You could have developed the ideas in Paragraph Three much more. Why has the aim changed? What lead to this? Why do people spend so much nowadays?
Have three sentences in your conclusion with two sides and your opinion. Give some advice or look to the future. You can read more about conclusions here. Don’t try to do all these things in one sentence. Aim for 3773layout - three sentences in the into (your intro was much too long for a short essay!), seven in each of the two body paragraphs, and three sentences in the conclusion (Read more about 3773 and 35553 layouts here). You’ll be fine.
And remember, don’t write as if you were talking. The two modes are different. Writing expects simplicity, clarity and elegance. Speaking allows us to repeat and to be lazy. Different!