Thanks for your comment. I'm sure that you do have enough skill to correct other people's work, or at least to say if something feels right or wrong for you in another person's essay. Just ask a question or make a comment - we are all here to learn and practice!
People said students who graduated from foreign country are more remarkable ==> People say /graduate
Make every sentence relevant to the topic. Don't use sentences which could go in any essay (e.g. this essay, I will look at some positive effects and negative effects.)
In this essay, I will look at some positive effects and negative effects. Do any possible effects outweigh the local school?
In this essay, I will look at some positive and negative effects of going abroad instead of studying in a local school or college.
Word Form/Spelling/Word Choice
In some countries, study abroad might cause many effects ==> studying abroad
it is more expansive than local school ==> expensive
There are many reasons that supporting people to go overseas ==> There are many reasons that support the decision to go overseas.
It can teach student adjusting to a multi-culture environment ==> It can teach the student to adjust to a multi-cultural environment
In some countries, study abroad might cause many effects, ...such as the cost of education, culture problems, and social environment.
These are not effects - we need to change the wording.
In some countries, many factors such as cost and social and cultural issues influence the decision to study abroad.
Moreover, leaning how to get along with people is another advantage. Apparently, the most important reason is that people can benefit from study abroad, because knowing people from different country or different background can build own interpersonal network, which is a sharp means to future.
Learning how to get along with people is another advantage. In fact, it is the most important benefit from studying abroad, because knowing people from different countries or backgrounds can build your interpersonal skills and your network, which are huge advantages in the future.
In sum, although study abroad has many effects, it is undeniable that going overseas makes students become reliable and sophisticated.
The word 'effect' is not right here. You are using it in a negative way, but its meaning in neutral/
In conclusion/To sum up, although studying abroad can have some disadvantages, it is undeniable that going overseas makes students more self-reliant and sophisticated.
Comma Splices and Run-On Sentences
Besides, students might not adapt to new communication, it is another concern to parents.
These should be separate sentences. Use a full stop. Commas: if in doubt, leave them out!
Besides, students might not adapt to new social settings. This is a big concern for parents, who worry if their children will be lonely or unable to make good friends.
Develop ideas fully
Furthermore, study alone is not trusted by some traditional parents. It is too dangerous that living away from family............................................why? Give example!..
Furthermore, some traditional parents do not trust their children to live alone far from home. They think their children will be in danger from thieves or muggers or unsuitable company.
Overall, Nick, your meaning is clear. Your essay is 273 words, which is fine. You should try to reduce the 16 words per sentence average by having some short sentences. Your organization is fine. Be careful with word form - make sure you choose the right form of the word (noun, adjective, adverb) for the situtation.