Hello Tammy and welcome to Writefix!
Sorry for the delay in replying.
Your essay is organized clearly. In 244 words, you have used 13 sentences which results in an average of 18 words per sentence. I would try to make some of the sentences shorter.
You have a lot of sentences which begin with an introductory phrase or clause, like these:
- To sum up, many benefits are made by the surveillance camera.
- By doing this, the buyers are requested to sign up an contract
- Once the protocol has been made, a penalty will be conducted
- As the surveillance camera is used to record the crimes, it is also used to observe, monitor people's private lives.
- Therefore, to regulate the usage of the devices, problems are able to be solved.
- Nevertheless, some people, especially the victims, claimed that the records enabled them to provide evidence on a particular thing.
If every sentence starts like this, then the effect is repetitive. Just say what you want to say! It's good to be able to use this structure, but not in every sentence!
The website http://www.online-utility.org/english/readability_test_and_improve.jsp (highly recommended - it's the third link above under Useful Links) suggests that some sentences need to be clearer:
- Take some marriage promote organisations for example, this kind of monitoring equipment is widely used to spy one's partner to see whether he or she had an affair or not, Nevertheless, some people, especially the victims, claimed that the records enabled them to provide evidence on a particular thing.
- Once the protocol has been made, a penalty will be conducted if the user misuse the camera that should help people originally; instead of making problems.
- In order to solve the problem, the main measure is to make the trading of surveillance cameras belong to government or non-profit public organisation.
These could be shortened and rewritten as follows:
- Monitoring equipment is sometimes used to spy on partners to see if they are having affairs, and the evidence is used in divorce cases.
- Buyers would have to agree to a set of conditions in order to make sure that the cameras are not misused.
- Another way to reduce problems might be to limit the sale of cameras to government or public organizations only.
One small grammar point: in Paragraph 2, the word 'everybody' is singular, so
Everybody in this world are supposed to own their own privacy.
Everybody in this world is entitled to privacy.
(The words 'everybody, somebody, someone, anyone, everyone' etc., are all singular.
Good work and I hope you can use your skills to help some other people here!