Thanks for taking the time to rewrite. Editing and revising is hard work, but it's very good for us!
This is a very general topic. I find these vague ones harder to write about than more specific topics. On the other hand, it does give you a lot of freedom and the chance to be a little bit original (although you don’t want to use the IELTS exam as an experiment!)
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- human’s history → human history
- Many parents argue that their children waste too much time play online games → playing
Technology has rewritten the life of people, ranging from living, communication in a more comfortable way.
Try always to have at least three examples. Two is not really enough. If you end up with only two, join them with ‘and.’ Try to keep lists parallel.
Heres' one possible rewrite:
Technology has made our travel, communication, and work easier.
Shorten and Simplify
Personally, I believe people will keep receive the positive influences from the innovated technology outweigh the negative ones.
This sentence seems to be a mix of two sentences, and has too many verbs. Here's one possible rewrite:
Personally, I think technology does far more good than harm, and I believe people will continue to benefit from it in the future.
But this is more like a sentence in a conclusion. Perhaps a better Thesis sentence would be something like this:
Although I think the benefits of technology are overwhelming, we still need to be careful about its effect on children and our relationships.
It gives the reader an idea of what is coming. Read more about thesis sentences here
Here’s another long sentence with too many ideas. You should choose between ‘as’ and ‘due to’:
Therefore, many of them end up performing badly in the classroom due to lack of sufficient rest time as they do not spend enough time on studying.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Students who spend too much time online often perform poorly in the classroom. They may not get enough sleep, or they may not spend enough time studying.
However, the drawback of over using technology, for instance, the internet has raised concerns among users.
This is a comma splice - two sentences which should be separate but are joined by a comma. It’s easy to fix. Just write them as two sentences, each with its own subject and verb.
Technology does have some drawbacks. Many people are worried about internet addiction, for example.
It is commonly seen that, most addicted internet users do not know how to interact,
Be careful with commas after ‘that.’ If in doubt, leave them out. In any case, there is a horrible passive here. Let’s eliminate it and voila! The problem has gone away
Many internet addict do not know how to interact…
Another comma splice!
We should appreciate the benefits that it brings to us, we also need to be aware of the negative impacts that may come along but for this one needs to take proper action to decrease its level of harshness.
Be careful with commas. Don’t use them like superglue. This sentence is too long - your warning bells should be ringing after 15 words, let alone 39 words. Shorten, shorten, shorten - and don’t use commas to join sentences at random!.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
We should appreciate the benefits that technology brings to us. However, we also need to be aware of its negative impacts. Simple commonsense will allow us enjoy our new world. (30 words, 3 sentences)
While technology has many benefits, we also need to be aware of its negative impacts. Simple commonsense, however, will allow us use it to its full potential. (27 words, 2 sentences)
Conclusions are often one side, the other side, and some advice or a recommendation or warning for the future. Break these ideas into three, or at least two, sentences.
Again, thanks for your rewrite. You are a great example to us!