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Television: Positive or negative?
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February 18, 2012
6:33 pm
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Television is now widespread in all communities. Almost everyone has access to this medium on a daily basis. However, the effects of televising are not always positive. What are some of the negative effects of television? What can be done to minimize these bad effects? Give reasons for your answer.


In this day and age, television is one of the major technologies for communication across the world. Fundamentally, everybody is able to access to this powerful media every time. In spite of the fact that watching television can be negative for us as well as our society, expect for its positive sides. Albeit, There are some good solutions for this issue.

Many commentators are of the view that television has many drawbacks for every generation, chiefly, younger generations. First of all, some family members point out they tend to spend their leisure time in front of television, in lieu of spending their time with their families. Secondly, every country has different culture. Although some authority acknowledges that the media is really powerful to change traditional culture with the modern lifestyle, such as the cultures, which are from the western countries. Finally, another negative effect can be upon some advertisement, which have poor quality. Nevertheless, they might be really expensive compared with other items. Like some commercial programs in the middle of films, which advertise some junk food, notably, for children. As a result, it can be a negative aspect on people’s lives.

Besides these, if the governments come up with these negative situations from the Televisions, then they can have profound impressions on some bad effect of televisions. It would be better to say that authorities can make some roles for censorship some programs which are immoral. Another good illustration of this is the governments can increase the quality of program on television with increasing the low salaries of people who play on television. As a consequences, these way may decrease these unfavorable effects.

To sum up, there could be a case for saying that even if television has negative aspects for us. Notwithstanding, I aforementioned them, there are some effective solutions to fade negatives aspects.

February 24, 2012
1:58 pm
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Hi Roza and welcome to Writefix!

I hope you can help some other people on the forum!

I copied-and-pasted your essay into http://www.online-utility.org/english/readability_test_and_improve.jsp. Your essay is about 300 words, which is fine, but it is vague (goes around issues or lacks focus), tends to generalize, includes unnecessary chunks of text particularly at the start of sentences, and has several problems with fragments, sentence length, and pronoun reference.   

Clarity

The site http://www.online-utility.org/english/readability_test_and_improve.jsp highlighted some sentences which could be made much clearer:

  1. Another good illustration of this is the governments can increase the quality of program on television with increasing the low salaries of people who play on television.
  2. Besides these, if the governments come up with these negative situations from the Televisions, then they can have profound impressions on some bad effect of televisions.
  3. First of all, some family members point out they tend to spend their leisure time in front of television, in lieu of spending their time with their families.

The sentences above could be rewritten as follows:

  1. The quality of television programs could be improved by paying higher salaries to presenters, actors and journalists.
  2. Besides these, if the governments come up with these negative situations from the Televisions, then they can have profound impressions on some bad effect of televisions.

    (This sentence has almost no meaning. As the first sentence in the third paragraph, it should be a topic sentence and should outline what the rest of the paragraph will discuss. Perhaps it should be something like: "However, there are ways to  make television more useful" and then the rest of the paragraph will give at least three suggestions. 
     

  3. Some family members spend their leisure time in front of the television, instead of with their families.

Fragments

These are all fragments, not sentences. They are incomplete ideas. Fragments are easy to fix: keep sentences short, have a subject and a verb, and have ONE idea only. See more about fragments and how to fix them.

  1. In spite of the fact that watching television can be negative for us as well as our society, expect for its positive sides.
  2. Albeit, There are some good solutions for this issue.
  3. Although some authority acknowledges that the media is really powerful to change traditional culture with the modern lifestyle, such as the cultures, which are from the western countries. 
  4. Like some commercial programs in the middle of films, which advertise some junk food, notably, for children. 
  5. To sum up, there could be a case for saying that even if television has negative aspects for us. 
  6. Notwithstanding, I aforementioned them, there are some effective solutions to fade negatives aspects.???????

Here are some ways these could be rewritten as sentences. Don't worry about the actual ideas -  let's just have ONE idea per sentence and fix the grammar first:

  1. Watching television can have negative effects on us and on society.
  2. There are some ways to make television more beneficial.
  3. The media has enormous power to change traditional culture and to promote modern lifestyles.
  4. Advertising on products such as junk food for children can encourage obesity or poor nutrition.   
  5. Even if television has some negative aspects, it can still have a positive influence.
  6. By doing X, Y, and Z, television can be more enjoyable, educational and useful.

Unnecessary chunks of text, Unnecessary References

Avoid empty words and phrases or overcomplicated words which add nothing to your argument.

  • In this day and age ==> today
  • Albeit ==>However,
  • Notwithstanding ==> Despite this, or Even though

Avoid using sources and references such as 

  • Many commentators are of the view 
  • Although some authority acknowledges 
  • I aforementioned them
  • Some family members point out they tend to spend their leisure time

Simplify and Give YOUR Opinion!

Basically, just say what YOU want to say. It's an opinion essay, and we want to know YOUR opinion, not commentators, not family members, not authorities. Just say what the situation or problem is, and give YOUR opinion. Keep sentences short, keep them simple, use words your younger brothers or sisters learning English would understand, and don't try to impress by using longer or difficult words or sentences. Don't use chunks of text or phrases that your teachers taught you. Just describe the problem or situation and give YOUR opinion, with examples. Don't be afraid to use "I" - I think, I believe, In my opinion...etc.

 

Good luck and we hope to see much better essays from you here! 

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