Hi lifei, Welcome to writefix and i hope you enjoy your time here.
before commenting on your essay, i just share some statistical figures with you.
1. the number of words:L 344
passive sentence: 31%
words per sentence : 18.1
you should reduce the proportion of passive verbs/sentences in your essay . This is about "YOUR " opinion .
On top of that, shorten a bit the sentence and keep the average words per sentence 12-15(recommended by admin)
then lets look at your essay.
1. And one frequent topic of discussion is that whether government should take measures to ensure that the new buildings are built in traditional styles so as to preserve the cultural identity of cities.
(too long!, "one frequent topic of discussion" is a bit redundant here . )
2. It's crucial to preserve our cultural identity in the present age of globalization. (same here. you do not need to repeat the importance of preserving ........before giving your thesis sentence...)
3.Convincing arguments can be made for not returning back to traditional building styles.....
(Personally , i reckon it is a bit wordy .
well,return back to? redundancy here return includes "back" .....
4.The mankind has made extraordinary progress in the accumulation of knowledge and the development of technical innovations
(well, still wordy....in the second paragraph, you can directly start with stating your topic sentence in the first place.....)
To be honest, i am kinda losing my way while reading your second paragraph . Hmmm...make your sentence more readable and clear . more importantly , do not use the words that you feel uncomfortable and insecure . this will backfire on you in your test ....
overall , you have a great range of vocabularies and a clear understanding of advanced grammatical structures . However, it is very important to make your ideas come cross easily for the readers , so you need to state your opinions clears , avoid using too many "passive verbs/sentences" and choose the words appropriately.