Hi Rebecca and thanks for this essay. I hope you can add some comments to some of the other essays on the site! People would really appreciate your help!
Adolescent drivers are the main cause of traffic accidents, as can be noticed in the news on a daily basis.
Is this true? This page would indicate that this is NOT the case So would this page from the US government census bureau. Avoid quoting people, scientists, researchers, experts, psychologists, newspapers, or anyone else. In the Writing Task 2 IELTS descriptors, this might comes under the heading of generalizations or unsupported ideas.
Avoid standard sentences
Try to make every sentence related to the question. This sentence could be used in a million essays:
This essay wil outline the arguments against this solution.
Here's a possible rewrite:
This essay will outline the arguments against mandatory safety programs for teenage drivers.
Try not to stray off the topic - you didn't go off for long, but with a requirement of just 250 words (you wrote 320) it's important to stay very closely to the topic:
Goverments and politicians decide about the required age, not only in case of a driving license but also the minimum age to consume alcohol or to purchase cigarettes.
Organization and ideas
Secondly, there are a number of causes which are linked to road accidents. For example some roads are in a very bad condition and involve a lot of potholes or are very slippery after heavy rainfall. Moreover, some roads are poorly litted at night or have very dangerous curves. To invest in a better infrastructure could just be as effective as investing in safety programs for the youngsters.
This is a good point and the last sentence is excellent, but how does the idea of this paragraph tie in with your opening sentence? How do middle-aged drivers avoid potholes or bad bends?
- This essay wil outline the arguments against this solution.→ will
- young people are very impulsive and tend to drive to fast → drive too fast
- some roads are poorly litted at night → some roads are poorly lit at night
- These people can be cought after being involved in an accident → caught
- These measurements should be taken to all people who make the roads unsafe → These measures can be taken for all people
- goverments → governments
- compulsery extra education → compulsory
- goverments can invest in a better infrastructure → governments can invest in better infrastructure
Develop your ideas.
You have some good ideas here...
Nevertheless not only young people drink and drive and are a safety hazard in traffic. These measurements should be taken to all people who make the roads unsafe.
...but they are not fully developed. Specify. Don't make the reader think! Here’s a more fully developed version:
The most important point is that it is not only young people who drink and drive or are poor drivers. Safety programs should target all age groups, not just teenagers. Many teenagers have just completed long training course in driving school and are excellent drivers, fully aware of the dangers. Older drivers may have acquired bad habits and may be more in need of safety reminders.
Overall, Rebecca, make sure the ideas you pick support your main idea and thesis sentence. You opened by saying that teenage drivers were the main cause of traffic accidents, but you didn’t say how these accidents could be reduced. Would better roads or lighting reduce the number of accidents among teenage drivers? Make sure you keep to the topic and support your ideas. You have some excellent sentences - just make sure you plan the essay completely before you begin!